There were other things I wanted to post about today. Happy things. But all those are on the back burner, replaced by more important things. Like a discussion of motherhood. Excuse my lack of punctuation. I'm just going to type and see what comes out. I need that tonight.
My day was difficult. I know what you might be thinking- "She stays at home, what does she have going on that might be stressful?" I might have said that, too, many moons ago. Now, I know differently. Now, I see that the mother never truly has a break. She can't. She stays home to spend as much time as she can with her child. She knows every little thing that goes into that child's mouth. She knows each triumph and set-back in the child's day. She's completely absorbed in all things dealing with her child. There's never a break. Maybe she has a sitter one day, but her mind rarely leaves this small little being that has become her entire world. 'Is he okay?' 'I wonder what he's doing' 'Should I have left more instruction?' There's never a break.
There's never a break if you care...and I do very much. This is precisely why instead of tackling my long list of "To Do" today, I rocked my child. I fed him. I changed him. I held him skin-to-skin and pleaded with God to help me make him feel better. I willed myself not to cry. I cried anyway.
No one talks about the rough part of motherhood.
It's the single most important role I'll ever have in my entire life, a role I wouldn't change for anything in the world. But it is hard. It's so hard.
Some days are flawlessly, blissfully simple.
But today just wasn't one of those days.
Today I neglected the 12 page paper I have that is due on Friday. Today the dishes piled up, the laundry backed up, and the dust stayed on the floor. Today I cried more than I laughed. Today I questioned whether I was a good mother or if God really went out on a limb with trusting me with this beautiful child.
There are some days when I honestly feel as if I have this motherhood thing down. But others I feel helpless and incredibly alone when I realize that there's no one in this town I can turn to. I can't call my sister and have her here in five mintues (or even five hours) to help me figure this thing out. I can't hand Baby K over to his YaYa so that she can work her mommy magic. And it breaks my heart when my own mommy magic won't kick in and help him to feel better.
My heart is so heavy tonight.
