I can't talk to my child

I just need to write. I usually try to respond to all the comments on the previous post prior to posting a new one, but I'm feeling a little overwhelmed this morning. If we're friends on facebook, you might already know the news. Baby A can't hear. In my heart, it feels so devastating to read that. It's heavy. It hurts. I hurt for him.

We don't know the extent of his hearing loss yet. We DO know that there is some sound in his ear, but very little compared to normal functioning. The next step is the sedated ABR. We couldn't get him to cooperate by falling asleep at the test yesterday so we will have to take him back to learn more. I'm eager to find out how to help him, but in the same breath I'm mourning a little.

I know I shouldn't. He's healthy and not being able to hear is what he knows, but it's not what I know and all I can think about is how I can't talk to my child. Every sentence I utter, I go over the very limited sign language I know in my head; I'm lucky if I can sign one word out of everything I say. I don't know where to start and I feel so overwhelmed. I feel so bad, though I know this is just a thing. Something I couldn't help. Still, as parents we yearn to protect our children from hardship and I just keep thinking of all the moments in his future that I won't be able to shield him from...

*the looks from strangers insinuating that he's badly behaved when he screams (his only way of communicating) for something

*learning to read (how do you read a book to a child that is hearing impaired?)

*and what if kids poke fun at his possible hearing aids or delayed language development?

I've just got to stop because I'm in tears. I want desperately to help and my hands are tied right now. I can't.

Thank you so much for your prayers as we move into this new chapter of our lives. God is with us and he has plans to prosper us and not harm us. I believe that.

To Keep You Apprised

I wrote a long post yesterday that will probably never be published. I talked about the rough time we've had as a couple since we moved home and the growing indifference I'm beginning to feel about this decision with J's job. Maybe I meant all of it, maybe I meant none of it. Regardless, in the archives it will stay because I can't bring myself to share that much. We were supposed to know the decision by now, but we were contacted- instructed to wait until tomorrow for news. I can still honestly say that we desire God's plan for our lives so we aren't very worried about what will happen. We also don't really want to move, but I suppose that's not off the table. The thing that makes me nervous is that I really like Cleveland. It is a great community of believers and it feels like home already. I have a running trail just minutes from my house. We found a church we enjoy. I can go out to TJMaxx and run into extended family there. I can't tell you how comforting that is after years of moving every year and never having anyone that can just stop by your house to visit or run into a loved one out in town. It gets incredibly lonely. All these reasons make me nervous because usually if I like the place we're living that means we are about to leave. It happened in Alaska, Georgia, and Florida. Just when I started to settle in with friends, a church, and a happy little life, the Army took us other places. 

Tomorrow also brings with it other news. Baby A (who is looking a lot less like a baby and a lot more like a little man!) has an appointment to have the ABR done. They are going to try to do it without sedation which I think is a pipe dream, but maybe it will work. I just hate to think of another wasted trip to Chattanooga, hours at the doctors office, and hours paying a babysitter only to learn nothing new. Sounds like life to me, though. Speaking of my dear middle child, he is changing so much! His hair is starting to curl like his big bro's and he's running all over the house to try to keep up. Toy scuffles are frequent and he is often winning.

Cray K holds his own, though. He is an incredibly sweet and feisty two year old. There are some days that I'm amazed he's mine. He wants to hold my hand all day, leading me around to show me things. "Watch this, Money!" "Take hand, take hand." He says the funniest things. At night when we pray, every name mentioned he is sure to tell us where they are which is "home". He also answers with "Of course!" more often than not. Would you like to go to the grocery store? "Of course!" It's just funny peeking into his brain. This is totally a mom paragraph, isn't it? Anyway, he's mostly sweet but as toddlers do he is often a fit-pitching crazy man. You never know what you're gonna get.

We love our boys...and we're looking forward to finding out the sex of the little avocado sized babe in my belly. It will be nice to pick out a name and start imagining the little personality and face of our third child. It's something to look forward to.

I have so much more to tell you. I've been a busy gal. I'm signed up (and Paid In Full- eek) to go back to school in a few weeks. I'm very nervous. I signed up for two online classes which is going to be incredibly difficult with the little ones at home. Last time I only had one class and it was hard to stay on top of things, but here's my theory: I excel the busier I am. I remember one semester as an undergrad that I took something like 18 or 19 hours and I OWNED it. Maybe that's what will happen this time. I'm busy with school, but I'm also busy raising our family and starting a business! I will tell you more about it in time but it involves combining two of my passions: faith and fitness. I'm excited about it and I hope you will be, too!

Speaking of exercise, I've been able to do it more regularly. As the weather warms up, I've been hitting the pavement more often, running mostly to clear my mind. It's unreal how much slower this pregnant belly of mine has made me. It's embarrassing, but I figure movement is better than no movement at all so I keep truckin'. I certainly feel like a semi when I'm out on the trail. When I'm not outside jogging, I use the weights in my home gym and enjoy a bike ride inside. If we find out J's job isn't affected by the downsizing, we are going to join the Y. I hope I stay passionate about being active during this pregnancy. Lord willin' I want to be jogging until the day I go into labor!

That's enough of an update. I had better go make these boys their breakfast. Happy middle-of-the-week, friends.

Regards,

Saturday Shenanigans

"Have children close together" they said. "They'll play together" they said. 

It's just not true. Not yet anyway so when the weekend rolled around, Mama needed a break. I ended up getting just that on Saturday when I got to tag along with my best friend as she wedding dress shopped with her mom and mother-in-law. Girl time with some of my favorite people was just what the doctor ordered. I loved watching my pal light up as she put on THE DRESS and I enjoyed getting to know her sweet mother-in-law and catching up with her mom, too. We ended up having lunch and doing a little shopping (I didn't buy a thing!).

I walked into Dillard's to browse and oh my gosh, I realized I can't afford anything in that store. I saw a beautiful bathing suit I wanted to try on but I just couldn't bring myself to do that because of the $142 price tag. When did everything go and get so expensive? I'm way out of the loop. I need to stick with Tarjay, I suppose.

Later that night, Captain J and I headed back to my hometown for a small concert at the historic Lyric Theatre in downtown Loudon. Listening to Wynn Varble play his songs and then the Fruit Jar Tippers get in on the action at the after-party was, literally, music to my ears. We soaked in the fact that there were no children to tend to and we were free to relax in the company of individuals who can speak in complete sentences and without whining, too!

We ended up staying over-night at my parent's house and getting to not wake up to crying kids. It was a dream, really.

And now it's Monday. Time to pull up my boot straps and get back to work on raising my crazy lot. Wish me luck. I need it!

Another installment of...

I decided I wanted to give one of my favorite blogger's pizza directions a whirl because she promised it was easy. I whipped these babies up for lunch one day and they were pretty good. I imagine hers are delicious! Mine needed a little something so I added some hot sauce and my taste buds were happy. I made extra and they were even better the next day after all the ingredients had time to mix together. Yum.

My version wasn't nearly as pretty:

I also saw this little idea on Pinterest and thought the boys' might like some parking lots of their very own.

My version was less involved. I simply took the cardboard sides from an old disposable wipes box (so that it folds up neatly). I numbered the spaces, but did not number the vehicles. Then I wrapped another old box to keep it all organized.

Also, sometimes I like to take quotes I've pinned on Pinterest and meditate on them. Really focus and listen to what I'm being told through the words. I did that this week, too.

Cookie Monster is my kind of people.

Happy Friday, my friends. I hope you enjoy your weekend. It's supposed to be sunny and warm here and J and I have some time away from our little munchkins on the agenda for Saturday night. Woo!

We'll chat soon.

Books I've Read Lately

Ever fascinated with prison culture, I was pretty sure I would enjoy this book. I've always been drawn to prison shows and personal accounts of life in prison, especially from women. It's fascinating to learn about a completely different culture that exists just inside our own outside of bars. That being said, everything about this book annoyed me. I did enjoy it because I find it so interesting, however the main character rubbed me the wrong way. It was the uppity attitude that seeped from her writing that made me feel as if she was happy to have gotten such a unique opportunity to write and study this culture, rather than learn from it. She described her experience as if it were a game. One of my IG friends said it best, "I was so busy being horrified and annoyed at her condescending, self-congratulatory and vapid detailing of her experience I couldn't enjoy any good in the book. She was handed life on a silver platter, received an extraordinarily light sentence due to her family's wealth and then treated her prison sentence as a fun social/cultural experience without a shred of remorse..."

I agree with that statement except that I did enjoy reading of the other womens' lives she encountered. I wasn't a fan of her, but the story was intriguing. 

I started Divergent last spring or summer, but got so caught up in raising babies that I never finished it. It wasn't because I didn't want to, I just put it down, my iPad went dead, and I spent the rest of the year occasionally visiting the story in my mind, wondering what happened. Then, when I received the subsequent books for Christmas, I picked up the trilogy again. I won't go into book by book detail, but I will say that I enjoyed these very much. All three of them (Allegiant has the reputation of being hated by many who read it, but I thought it was fitting and fairly well written.) I love the story. The romantic aspects of it are somewhat corny, but hey- I can dig corny. Anytime a series sucks me in, I'm happy about it. If you're into the whole end-of-the-world type books, I suggest these to you. If you want to read about another screwed up government apart from our own, I suggest these to you. ;)

I'm looking forward to the movie that comes out March 21st.

Up next on the agenda to read is James Patterson's Second Honeymoon.

Are you reading anything good?

14 Week BumpDate

Baby is the size of: a navel orange

Weight: 120 (+2)

Symptoms: heartburn, racing heart, anxiety, dizziness, smells are gross

Cravings: Sonic cheese sticks

Boy/Girl: Each time I've been able to get a reading of the baby's heart rate, it has been high. My twitter pals tell me that means it's likely a girl, according to the old wives tale. I don't know what I think. I suppose we'll find out soon enough.

Exercise: I've been trying to run, but I feel more like an elephant trotting but not covering any ground. I am slow.

New Things: Belly is way out. I'm in the 2nd trimester. Hallelujah to the latter.

That's Love

Cheers to you who chase around toddlers all day, trying to get a good, festive photo on holidays. I gave up and turned on the flash and finally chose pictures where the balloon wasn't even all the way in the photo. Then I folded and put away the outfit I had set aside to take photos with older brother. I quit.

Cheers to you who are washing dishes, wiping snotty noses, and not going to elaborate Valentine's dinners tonight with your significant others. I'm right there with you.

Cheers to you, the one who sat down at the computer for a few brief moments to yourself still in PJs from the night before. It's okay- I'm doing the same thing.

The house might not be perfectly clean and your children probably aren't for that matter either, but you're working. You're working hard to create a happy home and life for your family and that, ladies, is love.

Happy Valentine's Day to you from me and my crew.

Overheard in Our House

Me: "Stop stomping your feet."

Cray K: "Feet are bouncy."

Cray K to Baby A every morning when we go in his room to get him: "Happy to see you!"

Me to Baby A: "Ooo if I find out you can hear me!"

Me to Cray K: "Are you being nice to your brother?"
K: "No."

Me to Cray K: "Next time come tell me when you have to go and we'll go to the big boy potty."
K: "No."

Me to Baby A: "How many times do I have to tell you not to eat out of the trash can?"


I sneezed and K said: "Oh my goodness! God bless you!"

He's a character, that one. We are watching the (very light) snowfall here today and enjoying each other's company. What are you up to on this Wednesday?

A's Ears

You asked so I will try to answer as fully as possible without boring you to death. Baby A's hearing test did not go so well. We were taken into a room with a speaker placed on either side of us. I held him in my lap on a chair while sounds and movements projected from the speakers randomly. The only stimuli he responded to were the ones that could be seen. His little head didn't turn even the slightest bit when only noises were made. It made me sad, but I wasn't surprised.

After the brief test, the audiologist told me that while the results weren't great, they also weren't entirely accurate either due to his age. She took a peek into his ears and said the eardrums seemed to be working and so that was a good sign. The ENT (ear, nose, and throat) guy encouraged me to continue testing with more reliable information. The next step, I was told, is to have the ABR administered to him. Because of his age and inability to sit still for the procedure, he will have to be put under anesthesia. Of course, this is super scary for me. Initially, I said that I wasn't going to do that. The doctor then told me that there wasn't much else he could do for him so I asked him if he thought I should go ahead with the test and he said, "If it were my kid, I wouldn't hesitate to do this."

I thought about it on the drive home and the old saying knowledge is power was the message I kept returning to. If he does have hearing problems, he needs help now. We need to learn and teach him sign language, etc. No point in waiting.

So I suppose we're moving forward with this.

Munch of Fun!

(I received two packages in exchange for an honest review. All opinions are my own. No other monetary compensation was given. )

If there's one thing I need in parenting my young kids it's a manual...but if there's something else it is easy, healthy foods. Sometimes the very last thing I want to do is put effort into yet another lunch that my boys may or may not eat. This is why I was eager to review Munch of Fun. I hadn't heard of it before, but the idea is sort of brilliant! What they do is they thoughtfully piece together meals and snacks that are nourishing and fun for your little ones. Pre-packed, the meals arrive at your door ready to go! There's also a fun little surprise for them, too (We got a tiny slinky!).

As we were enjoying the goodies, I kept thinking what a great idea this would be for field trips or perhaps youth groups who are having a lock-in or going on a retreat. Supplies (such as spoons and forks) are even included.

As you may know, I've got two night and day boys. Baby A will eat just about anything you put in front of him and my little Cray K? Well, not so much. He has his favs and he sticks with them. Rarely does he want to branch out. He loved the "Munch on Brunch"  kit. He enjoyed some brown sugar granola trail mix while he protested nap time and watched The Polar Express for the 10 millionth time. 

He liked the hazelnut butter and almond packages as well. Honestly, the baby ate the rest (and we're still working on some of it). They munch on the pineapple chunks which surprised me. I don't think either of them had tried that before! That's what's nice about having someone else package up a healthy meal for you-- it allows for branching out and not just sticking with foods you know your kids like.

You can visit their website here and find out more information on nutrition facts, pricing, and more.

New This Week

In an effort to keep things current around here (who knew motherhood to mobile children was so time consuming? ;) ), I thought I'd talk all about what's new. I'm hip like that. Take for instance...

My new shirt and hair! I went blonde(ish) again. I'm just happier this way. In addition, I treated myself to a new shirt/jacket because I never do that sort of thing and I loved this one. I found her at a cute little boutique in the town I live in and it was half off. Score.

If I posted the Best Week Ever with Mrs. K like one popular blogger you might know, I would totally  include The Biggest Loser Finale. It might be the coolest thing on t.v. these days. You probably know that I love the whole show, but the last night is always my favorite. It's inspiring to see these people transforming their bodies and lives...and doing it without some silly diet or scheme. Good ole fashioned hard work in the gym and eating healthy foods can and will change you. I just love seeing that reminder, although I will admit that I ate three Krystals while watching the finale. What? It was for the baby ;) Just look at these transformations:

Winner: Rachel

At Home Winner: Tumi

There were so many others, but I can't google all day, people. I've got priorities.

Moving on...While those folks are losing this Mama is gaining. I'm up to 120lbs and my belly is definitely poking out despite people telling me often that they can't tell I'm pregnant. My secret is flattering shirts on repeat. I'm 12 weeks along this week and I got to see my littlest babe wiggle and squirm in an ultrasound yesterday to check for abnormalities. Thus far, the baby is measuring normally. My heart melted when I saw baby #3 moving and shaking. What a miracle, ya know? I mean, at just 12 weeks there's a tiny living baby inside. It's not a bunch of cells, it's a human with legs and a heart and sweet little arms moving all about. It's amazing.

My silly toddler's new favorite phrase is "Oh dear". You can tell who he hangs out with most, eh? And Baby A? He is all over the place. He's walking well now and it still confuses me. I think I know where he is in the house judging by the absence of knees hitting the floor as he crawls and where I left him, but nope! That boy is a walking machine. Hard to keep up with. I'm so proud.

Knock on wood lots of times, but I THINK the sickness has finally left our house. If we're friends on IG or FB, you know that we had a rough last couple of weeks. We all got sick and then better and then sick again. It has been gross but we survived.

Also new? I've got a cool review coming up for ya. Sneak peak:

All that and it's only Wednesday! I hope you have a great rest of the week, friends.

Love,