I was having an emotional day anyway. It was our only day as a family of four to enjoy the Christmas season and Captain J was standing in front of me suggesting we spend it in the car as we took the kids to drop them off at his parents' house, in the crowds as HE last minute shopped, and in the hustle and bustle of people while I just wanted to hang out with my little family that will soon be growing to five. He talked me into it, though with promises of food and a date day. Off we went.
We arrived, kid-free, in Knoxville's busiest shopping area. Ok, I'm just guessing here. It always
feels like everyone and their brother is there. Anyway, we start making a little progress and J says, "Why don't we go look for you some boots? Where do they sell Frye boots?" I directed him to the parking lot of Belk and we walked inside. When in the shoe department, I lifted the heel of my beloved boots off the plastic display to view the price fully expecting to see around $200-250. What I saw instead made me sit the pair quickly down as if they were hot to the touch. $385. Whew. I always have had expensive taste. I started shopping around to find a brand that I liked that wasn't as expensive. I found a lovely pair of tall, tan boots that were at a much more affordable price. I liked them a lot. J kept saying, "You should at least try on the Frye boots and see if there's a difference." I put them on and you know what? There totally was a difference. Still, I couldn't bring myself to pay that much. I was still rockin' my favorite boots from Tarjay that I have had for 5 years now that costs me all of $11.99.
Captain J began saying, "You should just get the Frye boots. It's Christmas. YOU DESERVE IT!" That last sentence is what got me. I totally DON'T deserve four hundred dollar boots. Nothing I've done this year or ever would make me
deserve such a treat. I quickly told the salesperson that I was still trying to decide and had him put away both pairs of shoes. Captain J looked at me like I was nuts (I get that a lot) as we walked back out to the car. Once inside, he said, "Why don't you want the pair of boots?" That's when I started crying. OVER BOOTS.
People often belittle my mission with my children. Opinions are offered when they're not asked for and every word gets written down in my brain. Some believe because I don't have a job that pays that I'm not living up to potential. It's laughable to me, but some of those same individuals believe that I'm also not working hard daily. Most of these people have no idea. These messages are reverberated in families, circles of friends, media, and our society as a whole. It's difficult to ignore. I soak these words up, keep them in my brain when I shouldn't. Furthermore- Mom to mom, stay at home mothers and working mothers, we attack each other. We argue saying I do this, I do that. We assert that our own way is always harder. These messages we send each other don't build us up. They break both of us down. Honestly, it gets in my head. Makes me question myself. Makes me start to believe that I'm not doing anything with my life or my childrens' except surviving. That's the real root of why I was crying.
I don't need four hundred dollar boots. That's for certain. I also don't need the other deliciously lovely boots that were only one hundred bucks. What I also don't need is a bunch of people in my life who are of the opinion that my job staying home with these two precious boys isn't a noteworthy dedication of my time. When these messages and thoughts creep in, I tend to get busy with a personal goal of mine. I take it out in my writing or in my quest for education. It makes me feel a little better. Sometimes, though...when hormones are surging through my pregnant body and I start thinking unclearly, I break down over a silly (albeit super cute) pair of tall tan riding boots.
Pregnancy: It's not for the faint of heart.
