Activation Day

Dear Abel,

I used to write to you monthly. In my letters, you were my baby- an extension of my own soul. I loved and cherished your first year of life. Your birthday came and went and typically that's where I would stop writing so often. Your story of your babyhood just didn't feel quite done yet, though. I knew I wanted to write you again. When we found out your were deaf, I felt so scared that I wouldn't be able to provide for you what you needed. My sign language was/is limited and although we've been learning together, I knew you needed more. I yearned for you to understand us one day, to be able to talk to your brothers, and enjoy the simple pleasures of music. I was so glad to find out you were a candidate for cochlear implant surgery. That excitement diminished as I learned more about the procedure. It was intimidating. I started second guessing our decision even after your surgery. I can't tell you how many times since you were implanted a few weeks ago that I thought to myself that I wish we'd never done the surgery to begin with. You were perfect as you were anyway.
Activation Day rolled around and I was so excited. I wanted so badly for this to be a happy day for you, but you were under the weather with an ear infection and I ended up crying a lot that day. I hate to see any of my babies in pain. Still, you pressed on as you always do. You're such a tough kid already! You've been through a lot in your short time here and you have taught me that I can be strong, too. We activated one side and your reaction was much like we expected:

Bless your sweet little heart. It turns out that hearing for the first time is frightening! But you know what? You're enjoying it now. I see you getting super still, focusing intently on making sense of your new found hearing and I'm so happy we decided to do it. It feels like I can teach you now. Another door has opened for you. You and I will always have our bond that allows us to communicate without words or signs, but now when your family talks to you, you can listen. I have faith that you will speak, too. Your appetite for learning inspires me, too. You've given me so much in your 21 months!

I love you so much. Happy Hearing Birthday to you!

This is when we activated the other side. No tears!

Hard Work

Some days it seemingly appears out of nowhere although it must have been brewing for a long time. The ugly cry. The yelling. The being the mom you don't want to be. It happened to me today. All my triggers were there, I just didn't see it coming. The other day, someone likened my kids to having triplets and while I can't put myself in the shoes of someone who has to feed THREE tiny humans every couple of hours throughout the night, I feel like I do share some struggles with the multiples moms. Mine are all still in diapers (judgment judgment judgment!), they all cry when they want something, and sleep through the night could be worse, but it could be a lot better, too. I end every day feeling as if I haven't been able to sit down and I truly haven't. Today, I did though. I should have known I would break down. After rushing out of the house, leaving behind a screaming preschooler with the sitter, I arrived at Abel's speech therapy. It all felt so pointless. He can't hear yet I'm driving an hour away to do this. I got home and felt so sleepy, drained. I ignored the house I should clean and the big boy I should play with. I put the baby in the swing and checked out. I don't want to be like that. I want to soak up every minute with the precious kids God has placed in my care, but y'all I'm tired. I don't know what's wrong with me.

J came home and we all went outside for awhile to enjoy some fresh air. When he came back in the house to take a conference call, I thought I'd check something online I've been meaning to research (our yard is fenced in and private). I stepped away for about two minutes and when I came back? Potting soil EVERYWHERE. All over the dog. In the crevices of smiles, teeth, and fingernails. Most notably however was the degree to which it was caked on the curly headed toddler who just had surgery on his head. I flipped.

Instead of smiling about how boys will be boys, I was mean and hurried them all to the bathtub. Trying to get dirt out of Abel's hair was only making matters worse and by the time they were semi-clean, I just put them all to bed despite the late hour. Then I cried.

Mothering is hard work.

The Bionic Boy- post surgery notes from Mama

I keep thinking this will all get easier to deal with. I look at how far we've come as a family in the past year and think it must. Less than a year ago, we started accepting the fact that our dear Abel wasn't progressing like a typical babe. Later, we found out he was deaf. Meanwhile, we were struggling with the financial issues that come with buying a house, paying for graduate school, and planning for a new baby to join the family. Pile on top of that, the stress of carrying another human, birthing him, and nurturing him while running the other two kids to doctor appointments, therapies, and "school" and I was feeling so stretched. Did I mention I tried my hand at starting a business, too? It was all too much. I just felt like eventually this season of our lives would slow down and get easier. I wasn't consciously creating a timetable for this, but I must've because somewhere in the back of my mind, I thought life won't be as scary once Abel has his surgery. I knew it would be a long road with many hours of speech therapy and driving to audiology appointments. But I also thought that the scary part would be over. He is out of surgery. He did well. Finally.

But you know what? The terrifying part has just begun. I didn't prepare myself for what life would be like post surgery partly because the people I spoke with and read about their experiences with the surgery said recovery was normal. I guess Abel's recovery has been fairly normal, too but he has had some other symptoms that are concerning. So what has it been like?
The ride home from the hospital that evening was rough. We were all so tired from a long day and had a three hour drive ahead of us. Abel was super groggy and nauseous (yes, he threw up on me) and so so pitiful. Even under anesthesia, he had quite a 'tude. He threw his paci and juice cup no less than 50 times on the way home. He was not happy and had a hard time sleeping in the car.
Post Surgery Day 1

We roused him around nine that morning and started trying to get him to eat and drink since he hadn't in so long. He tolerated a drink but was in no condition to eat. We could hardly get him to move honestly. He laid on the couch all day and it seemed as if his spirit was just completely broken. We changed his diaper, gave him meds, and moved him when he needed it (all things he would usually protest but was too tired to care). He fell in and out of sleep all day. We turned on cartoons and he camped out on the couch. His eyes floated toward the t.v. but he wouldn't lift his head to look at it. It started to alarm me. I wanted to get him moving and create some normalcy (b/c he has never spent more than 20 minutes straight in front of a t.v.) so we loaded our two youngest boys in the stroller so we could go for a walk. Still, I noticed his head was flopping around like a newborn. It was as if he couldn't control it. I thought maybe it was due to his large dressing so we decided to take it off an hour or two early. When we took it off, it didn't improve his head issue but we were pleased at how the incisions looked.
Day 2
He was up crying through the night so I think he had some pain. We brought some medicine in his room that morning and began the process of cleaning his head and ears. Applying creams. That sort of thing. He was not happy, but we were feeling hopeful because when we scooped him from his crib, he was standing up! That was a complete turn around from the day before. When we finally got him cleaned and ready for the day, we took him to the kitchen where he ate his first good meal in days. Afterward, we put him on the couch again because we noticed that his balance was still very much off. It broke my heart to see him want to move and play, but then get defeated when he couldn't because he was stumbling and falling so much. I even texted my mom and sister expressing my fears that we had done the wrong thing. I started to question everything. I took to facebook and asked for prayer because I truly believe in the power of prayer. By the end of the day, he was getting around so much better. I could tell he was still in pain, but there were smiles that day and he played and toddled like one and a half year olds should. That night, his temp spiked and we were worried again.

Day 3
J had to go back to work but I was thankful that he woke Abel up and helped me get him ready by taking care of his wounds, administering medicine, etc. I'll be honest- he has done most of the work. I get so upset trying to hold an angry, sad and in-pain toddler down to get these things accomplished and J has been so thorough in taking care of our boy. I'm lucky to have him. I expected the day to be so hard, but it wasn't. Kinley went off to Mother's Day Out and Merit slept much of the day so I could focus my attention on Abel. He did well. I noticed early on that he was leaning in on his right side and that worried me, but it slowly went away as the day wore on. His ears sticking out/swelling seemed to look better as well. He started walking more normally throughout the day and we have hope that he will continue to improve.

This has been emotionally taxing on me. I wish I could take his place. I wish I could take his pain. If only I could be deaf instead. But I also know that he is now a part of the bionic community...and what a great one it is. We are so grateful for this miracle procedure and we're hoping it proves to be one for us. More than anything, though we want Abel to be his happy, feisty self again. God is The Great Healer and I know He has him in His hands. Thank you all so much for caring about this journey and for joining us in praying for this sweet child. THANKS SO MUCH!

The Big Day

If you're reading this on Friday, there's a good chance that Abel is in surgery at this very moment. Surgery that will open up his head and eventually, hopefully give him the ability to hear. Please pray. It's Wednesday night as I write this and I'm a nervous wreck. In an effort to focus my head, I thought I'd answer some questions I've gotten recently about the procedure.

How long is it going to take?
We are told it should take between 4-6 hours to implant both sides. That does not count time spent in pre-op appointments and recovery.

After the surgery, will he just be able to hear?
No. Actually, he will still be deaf. After surgery, he will need time to heal. Two to three weeks after the procedure is activation day.

Is it all inside the head or ear? Can you see it?
The inside portion will obviously not be visible, but in order to make the cochlear implants work, processors will attach via magnet on the sides of his head and rest behind his ears. When the processors are taken off, he will not have access to sound. He'll still be deaf. Processors typically aren't worn around water or at bed time.

What do you think his first word will be?
You know, I don't even let myself think of this. You might think that once he is turned on that he can start talking within weeks, but it's not that easy. His brain has to be taught what these noises mean. I can't even explain it, but I do know that I'm going to have to be realistic about this process or I'll go crazy. I'm trying to take it one day at a time.

Are you going to record it?
As I mentioned, he'll be activated weeks later. That means, they'll begin the process of turning on his sound. These are all the cute videos you see on youtube and facebook of the kiddos hearing for the first time. While these are all adorable (and often make me cry happy tears), they also aren't typical. It's much more common to have a crying reaction or no reaction at all. Think about it...it's probably alarming to suddenly have a new sense. To hear for the first time when you're less than two years old? It must be frightening. Still, we will totally record this awesome moment in our lives. It will be magical, no matter how he reacts.

I'm keeping the faith.

Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you (Abel!) says the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future."

Surgery Up In the Air

Can I just talk honestly for a moment? Abe's surgery is coming up- at least I think it is. For months and months we've had this plan set in place, we've made hotel arrangements, babysitters, and scheduled off work. The plan was to implant Abel sequentially- meaning that he needs both sides implanted (bilateral), but we were planning on breaking up the procedure into two different surgeries spaced three months apart. We chose to do this because of a scary statistic we'd heard regarding balance issues when the surgery was done with both ears. We felt confident in our decision. Now, just days before his first surgery, we are having second thoughts. We've since done much research and asked around for professional and parental opinions and we've almost changed our minds. We want it done at the same time now. There are a whole host of pros and cons that I won't get into. Anyway, because I need that plan set in place- because I was counting on it- I feel unnerved now. More so than I already was. Yesterday, J called the surgeon to tell him we had changed our minds and talk to him about rescheduling or keeping the same date and implanting both that day. Just typing that out feels like fifty pounds of weight on my shoulders as it will likely change all the appointments we have set in place over the next few months. The Army taught me that I can't plan. I mean, I can, but I should have loose expectations of those plans coming to fruition. I don't know why I thought that when we parted ways with the Army that I would have more control. Anyway, I'm so nervous. Nervous that his surgery will be pushed back even further. Nervous what the surgeon, case worker, and audiologist all think about our decision (or indecision). Nervous that something will go wrong. Nervous that I'll never be able to speak to my second born and have him hear and understand me. Parents of kids with cochlear implants keep telling me- "Just wait! You will be amazed." I hope so. Right now, all I know is that Abel cries and screams at everything. He can't tell us what he wants so he just cries out of frustration. His signing is decreasing as we are trying to focus on listening and I feel as if I'm a huge disservice to him all around. I have so much guilt. The other parents I know who have a child with hearing loss do not have two other babes that need a lot of attention. They are working at home with their child in addition to the years of therapy that this sort of procedure will require. I don't know how to balance trying to help Abel "listen" and eventually speak when there are two other very loud little people thrown into the mix. It has been my thought since day one- I wish I could help him. I feel like I can't.

Boo hoo.

Phil. 4:6-7

Oh, friends. This week has been nuts. I left my 37 week baby appointment feeling pretty good considering my blood pressure was down. I was ready to ward off any suggestions of inducing because I desperately want this kid to come in his own time. I was feelin' alright! The next day was one for the books, though. I had two appointments scheduled for Abel and when my babysitter was a no call/no show, I scooped up both of the boys and headed off to the appointments with them in tow. Speech therapy was a bit of a disaster. The toys that the therapist wanted Abel to play with were precisely the ones that Kinley wanted to play with. She had no problems getting him to talk! It was so distracting and I could see the repercussions of bringing big bro on Abel's face. He was much less vocal when he had to share the stage with him. Meanwhile, I'm having regular, frequent contractions. I started to get worried on the way to the next appointment so I kept my eye on the clock as I drove and realized my contractions were 3-4 minutes apart. Come to think of it, I hadn't felt Baby M move in awhile. I called and cancelled the second appointment and my great aunt came over to watch the boys so I could go to my doctor and find out what was going on. Once I got there, he started moving about with all the poking and prodding and my mind was set at ease. They told me I was slightly dehydrated. I believed it! I had hardly had time to eat or drink that day. 

There were a few good days in between then and my next appointment for 38 weeks, but there were some rough ones, too. I still haven't stopped contracting, although they are obviously not as regular. The worst part is that I feel them in my back. No wait, the worst part is that THE CONTRACTIONS AREN'T DILATING ME. Braxton Hicks contractions that hurt and I find difficult to breathe through at times? This is for the birds, y'all.

Late last night, I was up for hours with flu-like symptoms and lots of more of the same. Because I had an appointment scheduled today, I decided to wait it out at home and see what was going on. I cancelled one of Abel's appointments this morning and tried to lay on the couch for most of the day, but have you ever tried to do this with two toddlers running around? It's nearly impossible. I yelled when I shouldn't have. My patience- out the window. Finally appointment time rolled around and I just couldn't wait to at least have someone else take over for awhile so I could go figure out what was going on. In my heart, I wanted Doc to tell me - "Wow, you're a four! Let's admit you and have a baby tonight." Instead what she told me was that I have a stomach bug and am really dehydrated. "If you're not significantly better by morning, we need to admit you to pump fluids into you." Boo hoo. Not at all what I wanted to hear.

Anyway, I'm truckin' along. I went to get some Gatorade and already feel a little better by chugging those. Water just wasn't doing the trick apparently. I'm hoping that these unpleasant symptoms will subside soon. I have a certain cutie pie who has his third birthday coming up this weekend! I hope we can make it special for him.

As always, thanks for following along with our lives and truly caring about my well-being. I'm continually blessed by each of you who leave nice words for me to sign in and read and by those who take time to send cards and words of encouragement. Y'all are the best. I appreciate you listening to me whine ;)

How To Parent?

Go here. Do this. Don't sleep because the heartburn is so bad. Clean up. Repeat.

My life has been a series of this lately. Over the past six months, Abel has had appointment after appointment. At first they were trying to figure out why he wasn't talking. At first, there were primary care doctors and developmental specialists. Then there were audiologist and ENTs. Now that we know he's deaf, there are all of thee above and then some. After we found out the news, he was added to an early intervention program and I mindlessly signed paper after paper thinking I was doing something that he needed. They pay when our insurance won't so it certainly is beneficial, but there are some aspects of the program that I didn't understand what I was getting us into.

Once a week (which is a lot when he also has speech once a week and I have a doctor appointment weekly, too), someone comes into our home and...tells me how to parent? I don't know. I still haven't figured out her role. In the beginning stages, I thought she would be there to encourage speech development, educational play, or help him with his sign language. We sat down and developed overall family goals that left me feeling like this was some sort of program to help parents who have no idea what they're doing. While it may very well be the case that I'm super overwhelmed by having (soon to be) three kids in diapers, I am also not readily accepting of having someone come in and offering additional advice. The truth is, unless you've been in these shoes, I don't think you quite understand how my day is. Many days, I'm barely making it. If your kids were spaced years apart, if you had a full time job, if your family lived right down the road as you parented--these make one's journey very different. Couple that with not knowing the stress that comes along with having a child who has special needs, it makes it difficult for me to relate. I know people have helpful advice, but I often have a hard time taking it to heart. I know how that makes me sound.
I feel as if the last thing I have time for is to sit down for an hour with someone and take suggestions on how to run my household and family. This woman is sweet...and honestly, I love having another adult to talk to throughout the day. At the same time, these home visits add more stress to me. The house will be perfectly clean and she walks in and suddenly the kids are throwing stuff everywhere. Last time she was here, Abel climbed up on the porch table and threw off all the place mats while Kinley stuffed his head in a plastic bag. It's really no wonder they think I need assistance with motherhood.
And really, the program is voluntary. I just didn't understand that when I first started the program. Now, I feel like I have to do it because I took up the case worker's time and the woman's time by developing these goals and meeting up to sign papers, etc. Last time she was here she asked me to think of some things I wanted to work on next time. I thought all week and couldn't come up with anything that I think she can help me with. I mean, what would make my life easier? Well, for starters, it'd be easier if Abel could hear. This would make trips to the park a lot better because I wouldn't have to be directly in front of him to talk to him while I attempt to wrangle the other toddler out of harm's way in the parking lot. It would be helpful if I could breathe normally whilst doing this. It would be great if I wasn't waddling and feeling as if I'm about to pass out in the heat while we're there. These are things no one can fix right now. I'm okay with that. These are things throughout the day that you just figure out. Unless you're going to grab a kid when he's about to topple off the highest level of the playground out of sheer joy to be outside, I don't think advice will help the situation. Unless you want to push one in the swing while I take off toward the other to encourage him to share the sand toys instead of hoarding them all then I don't quite have time to think about how YOU would have handled the situation. Remember, I'm barely making it.
I can't even focus on what is being said in these sessions because I'm busy parenting. These kids require constant attention. Don't climb that. Don't eat that. Take your fingers out of the toilet. Please find an inside voice BEFORE MAMA GOES ABSOLUTELY NUTS.
I racked my brain, but I just couldn't come up with something for her to help me with. I probably offended her, but I told her I didn't have any goals for her and I wasn't sure where to go from here. She sent me a text and then called suggesting we put off our meetings until after I have the baby and Abel gets his cochlear implants because life will "slow down". I don't think that's entirely true. There will be more audiology and speech appointments. There will be postpartum appointments. There will be new baby appointments. I will have a baby attached to my breast for about a year. Life is not going to slow down. I fear I made her mad when I suggested any of these feelings. It was not my intention. My intention is to make my house as pleasant at possible. I want to parent in a way that I'm proud of, a way that would make my Father in Heaven proud. I want to give my kids a happy childhood. I want to challenge Abel and the rest of my children to be the best people they can be despite any hurdles that might be in their way. I want the walls of this house to be accustomed to laughter and not yelling. Magic not stress. Happiness not worry. And I'm still trying to figure out how to accomplish this. Aren't we all?

36 Week BumpDate

I'm 36 weeks pregnant- officially on my ninth month- and maybe that makes me a little emotional. There are no less than fifty billion things to do and I fear the stress gets to me from time to time. Aside from other unrelated-to-baby-stressors, my mind keeps floating back to labor and delivery. You would think I would be an old pro at this by now! But no two births are the same and if I'm being honest, I'm nervous again. With K, I was induced due to preeclampsia. The labor felt dreadfully long and painful until I got an epidural and was able to relax a bit. With Abel, I labored at home unsure if I was actually in labor until it was almost too late. He came so quickly there was no time for drugs or much worry even. I preferred the latter experience. It was amazing to experience what my body is capable of and to do it without the help of drugs or a doctor (no time to get there). I was blessed to have a studying midwife as my nurse when I got to the hospital and she was incredibly encouraging and knowledgeable about different positions to ease the pain. She truly made me feel like I could do anything! I was up and walking around shortly after birth, feeling amazing (considering).

I just don't want to have high expectations of that happening again. I know I should mentally prepare myself for a csection or an induction or a car delivery...basically just different avenues of lotsa pain. But I have this hope sparking inside that is telling me- it's going to be okay.

I went to the doctor today. I have gained, ahem five pounds since I last was there. I feel it, too. It was a slight cause for concern because you can see the gain in my hands and feet. Additionally, my blood pressure was slightly higher than it has been. We're going to keep an eye on this and my other pre-eclamptic symptoms, but at this point, I am told not to worry.

Baby is the size of: a large cantaloupe *I was told he weighs 6lb 4oz already!

Weight: 148 (+28 lbs total) I'm hoping this is water or some salt issue in my diet. Maybe I'll balance out in a day or two. The five pounds I mentioned earlier came on quickly! I regret tossing most of my maternity clothes after my last pregnancy and I regret not buying more this time around. Nothing fits. I look a hot mess most days.

Cravings: Ice chips. I could not stop crunching ice. It was awful. I googled it and it said that it was likely due to a lack of iron so I popped some prenatals and I do feel better. The craving has subsided for the most part.

Boy/Girl: Still a bouncing baby boy. Can't wait to meet him!

Stretch Marks: a few, yes. I think they'll go away, though. Here's to hoping!

Exercise: Nonexistent. I've gone for walks but not much more than that. My heart rate shoots up too high for any of my regular exercise routines or running. I miss feeling healthy and strong.

New Things: Abel is now recognizing that there's a baby in mama's belly. He'll lift up my shirt and (try to) sign "brother". Or if I sign brother to him, he will point at my belly. The kid is brilliant. I might be biased a bit. Kinley talks about Merit in a way that makes me excited for them to meet. He knows mama is having another baby and he actually seems happy about it. He often says, "Let's get him out!"

What I Miss: breathing normally, sushi, wine, my toned body

What I'm Looking Forward To: That moment when he is placed on my chest and nothing else in the whole entire world matters!

Were you nervous about your second, third, etc labor and deliveries, too? Is it just me being weird?

Life With Toddlers

As a parent to a deaf child, you might think my house is quiet. Au contraire. It is anything but. I've seen videos of toddlers who communicate excitedly but quietly using sign and I think about how pleasant car trips must be for that family. Here? Not so much. My deaf toddler is NOT quiet. He is constantly chattering, which I'm told is a great sign for his future with cochlear implants. I spent most of this past year convinced he had croup because that's what he sounds like. My little seal is squealing and squawking over and over throughout the day. While I'm glad he's attempting to make sounds, it's also very trying on this mama who craves silence and peace. The seal-sounding-toddler teaches the hearing toddler that this sort of communication is not only accepted, but encouraged and thus they've created a little language between the two of them that is complete nonsense. LOUD NONSENSE. And it makes me absolutely crazy.

But I will continue to pour my heart and soul into raising these boys because they are my most important job and I love them so. Even when I'm pulling out my hair, I can't imagine a day without the crazy.

I mean, K is currently cah-rack-ing up at absolutely nothing as he jumps around like a little monkey on the couch. And Abel is stuffing his face full of crackers and signing "more food" and "more milk" even though he has plenty right in front of him. They are characters, these two. They're molding me. I hope they're pushing me to be a better mother and better person. Next month, I'll add another little boy to the mix. I wonder if he'll have his brother's curly hair or his other brother's ability to hear. Will he be able to hear mama whisper to him while I'm tending to him at night? Will he look like Abe and me or will he take after his father and Kinley? I can't wait to know. 

Exciting News from Vanderbilt

I promised my facebook people that I would write tonight about all the good news we got with A's doctors. That was before I drove three hours home with a fussy toddler. Now, I'm yearning for a hot bath and my bed. Ever faithful, I'll tell you all the good news without rambling too much...

The first bit of surprising news is that his hearing aids are actually aiding him. That was unexpected with his level of deafness. He is severe to profound in both ears without the amplification, but with the hearing aids on he is hearing at the level of moderate to severe. This means that if we are yelling in his good ear, he probably hears it as a whisper and only parts of the word. For example, if we yelled "ice cream" in his good ear, he would hear "Iii eee". Obviously this is not enough for speech development, but it is getting him used to experiencing sound. I was amazed at the difference at his testing with his hearing aids on! The audiologist was, too.

Little man was sedated again for an MRI/CT scan. He did so well. What a trooper I have! After the sedation, we carted him around to all appointments with little in his tummy and no nap. I expected it to be absolutely awful (and it was at moments) but for the most part, he soldiered on. I was nervous about the MRI/CT for obvious reasons, but today calmed my fears-

Dad to the rescue during a particular fussy appointment

We met with the surgeon who will perform the implantation. He told us:

1. Baby A is a candidate for bilateral (meaning both ears/sides) cochlear implants.
2. He also believes it unnecessary to seek genetic testing for a cause. He told us that from the information he has from birth history, infancy, and the recent tests that there's no reason to suspect any other underlying problems. In other words, some people are just deaf and there's no other reason for it. That made my mama heart happy. In the back of my mind, I was worried about a syndrome or something that we just hadn't discovered yet so it set my mind at ease a little. In addition, I was worried about Baby M.
3. The surgeon also wants to do the surgery ASAP. We do not have a surgery date yet, but they are working with our insurance for approval. He said the earliest he could get us in is likely August, but definitely before Christmas. It will depend on how fast we can hear back from the insurance company.
4. Lastly, he told us it was up to us if we wanted to implant both at the same time. I always thought, "Why wouldn't anyone want to do it all at once?" I assumed it was an infection worry or longer times under anesthesia. I was way off base, there. The doc said that there was a 10% chance that he could lose his balance and never regain it if both ears are done at the same time (If only one is done and balance is lost, the other side compensates and often balance is restored). That number seemed so high to us. It scared us enough to ask to have the surgeries done separately. It's not completely ideal, but he will have his left ear (bad ear) done first and then the right ear will follow within six months. It makes me a nervous wreck to know that he'll be having surgery twice, but that's what we've decided is best for him. For those of you who do not know, he will get his implant but won't be activated until 3-4 weeks later.

It's going to be a long road for him. We're excited for him, though. The speech therapist and audiologist are confident that he will excel with the implants. We were in the appointment for speech analysis and I was amazed at his ability to repeat and mimic. He does attend to sound when he hears it with the hearing aids and he is doing so well with sign language, too.

Picking out his processor colors

I'm proud of my boy and am so incredibly grateful for all your prayers for him over the last five months. Please don't stop. God is working a miracle in this sweet kid and I'm happy to be his mama and witness it first hand.

32 Weeks: A BumpDate

Still pregnant.

Shirt by Clothed With Strength

Although, I wasn't so sure I would be for very long last night. For the past few days, I've had some pretty terrible symptoms that have alarmed me.

Symptoms? difficulty breathing, lower back pain, sharp pains, just an overall uneasy feeling, BH contractions

I'm drinking lots of water today and feeling slightly better, but I do desire your prayers for itty bitty Baby M. He needs to stay put for awhile. I haven't updated since Week 17- wow- so I thought I'd let you know how it's all going for me.

How far along? 32 Weeks
Baby is the size of: a head of lettuce
Weight: 139
Cravings: I haven't felt well lately. Nothing sounds good ever...unless it's chocolate. Of course.
Boy/Girl? I suppose it's still a little boy in there ;) I haven't seen him in awhile.
Exercise: I was doing so well until this last week. I was running (ahem jogging...ahem barely) 2-3 miles at a time and feeling wonderful. The last few days, simply living has felt like a workout. I will not be raising my heart rate for exercise for awhile until I start to feel better. I don't know what's going on, but I'm going to take it easy.
New Things: K now recognizes the baby's name and will talk about him a lot. He also notices when Mama's not feeling well and he checks in with me- "You okay, Money?" He is oh so sweet and caring. Baby M is lucky to have two older, fun, and energetic brothers ready to welcome him into our world.

Life is good, too.

It's almost as if I owe it to ya to post something fun. The stresses of the past few months haven't totally rained on our parade. We've been making sweet memories, too. This past weekend was just what I needed! It started off on Friday when my pal from college brought her sweet one year old over to play. The boys were napping so it was just us and I was free to chat with her and enjoy the company of her adorable daughter. It was almost strange to me because I had to keep myself from signing and every time she made a babbling noise, I almost jumped for joy at her trick before realizing again that it was likely normal for her. I can't wait until I can hear Baby A do the same. Music to my ears.

Friday night we let the boys eat ice cream IN FRONT OF THE TV (big mistake) while we watched Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. They were in heaven. I was happy to see them happy...and happy that I ran that afternoon because I was shoveling in the ice cream, too.

Saturday brought more wedding festivities for my best friend's upcoming big day. We drove to a nearby city to try on bridesmaid dresses. I will be postpartum on the day of the wedding so we're just going to guess what size I'll be and roll with it. Makes me nervous! Anyway, it was awesome to hang out with some ladies I haven't seen in such a long time. It made me happy to just be able to pick right up where we left off. Making new friends is hard sometimes and there's something so beautiful about old ones.

That night, J and I got a babysitter and enjoyed dinner and a movie. We ended up watching The Edge of Tomorrow and it was better than I expected. The other option he gave me sounded pretty terrible so I'm glad I ultimately chose this one. Good choice.

Sunday was nice, too. My friend who lives in sunny Florida was in for the weekend and came to stay with us that evening! The two of us went to see The Fault in Our Stars and then took ridiculously hilarious selfies in the parking lot that nearly sent me into labor. When I (finally) calmed down enough to drive home, we were greeted with a fancy, new Big Green Egg being put together. My husband and I have been saving up forever to get one and thanks to a family friend who gave us a great deal, we were able to purchase one. There's no buyer's remorse here, but we are seriously in that really uncomfortable financial range again that we have used it every single night since then. Must make it make sense! Every time a new medical bill arrives in the mail I get twitchy and want to fire up the grill.

There. Proof that life is still fun in our household.

Cray K Goes to the Dentist (Part 1)

I've got my coffee beside me and I've already battled and semi-conquered a printer issue this morning so I'm going to say that's a good start. I don't even want to do today. I cancelled one of my middle child's appointments today so that we could just do nothing. It has been crazy around here. Honestly, I have some doctor or specialist to go to every single day between the three of us. I cancelled his speech assessment because, well, he says nothing. The early intervention program I'm working with asked me to reschedule it so that I wouldn't end up paying for it. Fine by me, I guess.

There I was. Nothing on the agenda for Tuesday! I was delighted. Then my husband calls and tells me I need to make an appointment for Cray K to go to the dentist. You guessed it. It had to be today. Let's just forget that this is going to be an abysmal failure anyway. I fully expect fits, shaking, and a refusal to open his mouth leading to me barely making it back out to the car before I burst into crazy pregnant lady tears. I know he needs to go, but it would just be great if I could go to work like the other half of the world and send my husband to one of these appointments in my place. Just one. Just one so he can see why I'm so frazzled at the end of every day.

More and more, I find myself checking out. Yesterday, I made it a goal to start the 12 page paper I need to turn in next week. I got a pathetic outline ready which may or may not have read "INSERT CREATIVE TITLE HERE" and/or "Here's the plan, man."

 It's bad, y'all. I'm tired and there's no end in sight.

We can talk about happy things, though. Those aren't off limits. Perhaps next time I'll tell you all about my weekend with friends! Additionally, Baby A is signing up a storm. The pediatrician tells me that his visual language is up to par with his peers spoken language and perhaps surpasses it. In other words, he signs more words than most his age can talk. That was encouraging!

What do you have going on today?

Decisions, decisions

I talked to my bestie yesterday for fifty two minutes on the phone. We both found an open window of time, which is rare, and were able to just talk without interruptions. That hasn't happened in a long time. Feeling no time constraints, I found out exactly what was on my mind because I just couldn't shut up. It all came pouring out. All the thoughts, concerns, fears, and expectations of Baby A's upcoming appointments with the specialists at Vanderbilt have flooded my head. I can try to distract myself, but when I attempt it I find myself gravitating toward books or social media which doesn't always help because I am drawn to information about Cochlear Implants (CIs). I end up reading the good and the bad during the little free time I have. The bottom line is that this is a huge decision, one I almost don't feel is mine, but it has to be.

Ultimately, I want God to just sit beside me and tell me what to do. I wish I had step by step instructions from Him. Instead, I hear nothing. Maybe it's because I'm not listening. Maybe it's because I'm not praying enough for His will. My prayers have been full of tearful hope that Cochlear Implants will be the route we take and that he will thrive with them. But should I not be asking that? I don't know. I start thinking about how his sweet, perfect head will be opened up to have something foreign inserted and all I feel is that this should be a personal decision. I am his mother, though. His dad and I will have to make the decision for him and it's so scary.

These CIs are modern miracles. I truly believe that. It's incredible really. Even if they work and Baby A is able to hear with them, there are x number of things that could go wrong. They could stop working. Get infected. Annoy him. Et cetera. The thing is- he will always be deaf. At night, he will take the processors off and it will be silent. When he gets in the pool (unless he has specialized equipment), he won't hear. He'll always be deaf. There's nothing I can do to change that. It's with that knowledge that I want to equip him in any way I can now. The time is just ticking away for oral language learning and sign language and I can't tell you how frustrated that makes me. Professionals will likely tell me not to teach him to sign and to encourage him to focus on the sound (he will hopefully one day hear). But he'll always be deaf. I feel lead to give him something. I might feel differently if he was young, but before I know it he will be two. TWO years behind his peers.Two of the most important years in development. I look at his older brother and how much he has progressed with language and cognition and it makes me so happy for him and just so frustrated for my second born who will have to work doubly as hard as many of his hearing peers.

Yesterday someone with the early intervention program told me to just breathe and to take time to absorb everything. I feel like I can't. I don't want to stop looking for different avenues that could help him. I want to move forward. I don't know which way is forward, though. I'm feeling so lost with all the different appointments and therapies and programs that have been suggested. Needless to say, I'm counting down the days until we can make the trip to Nashville again and find out more about what we might expect down the road. I'm trying to relax and breathe. 

He's alive. He's happy. Thanks be to God.

Thank you (a hearing update)

I found out today that our insurance won't cover any of the expense of A's hearing aids. We are signed up with a program specific to TN that will eventually pay for the hearing aids, but we will have to wait. No one seems to know how long. I've been frustrated at this process because my hands are always tied. The doctors/audiologists agree that he shouldn't wait to start using the hearing aids. While they won't likely help him to hear, they will keep the nerve active so that when he eventually (hopefully) is implanted with the cochlear device, it will be beneficial for him. Some people say this particular program will get organized within a month or so. I've also heard stories of folks who ended up waiting 6-9 months to get them to pay. That is not an option.

I've been calling them all day today to find out more information, but it has been to no avail. I can't get them to call me back. We are likely just going to bite the bullet and pay, but in the back of my mind I'm thinking, "How many more expenses like this will pop up?" Between all the medical bills and the new babe on the way and the new house, I feel so stretched financially. Not a day goes by that I don't think about finding a job. I don't know anyone who would hire a pregnant gal who is due in just a few months, but it's a thought I entertain.

In addition to that news, I also talked with an audiologist who said that his hearing loss was likely genetic. We will go for testing next month, but she said due to the history of his child birth (normal, natural) and babyhood (normal), she could see no explanation for it. The degree of hearing loss he has is not something that infections could cause. Which means, we should definitely do genetic testing to see how at risk baby #3 is for the same issues. Of course, that makes me quite sad. 

I was feeling so overwhelmed by it all today and then I got to the mailbox and found a card addressed to my sweet boy. Inside were names of all the people in Philadelphia, TN who had been praying for him and that brightened me up. Thank you all so much for your prayers.

God is writing his story and mine and I wouldn't change a thing. I just need to be reminded occasionally that He's in charge. We have nothing to fear.

"Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you..." - Psalm 55:22

Mother's Day Weekend

Sometimes, in the midst of what feels like the busiest season of your life, a breath of fresh air blows through and you can breathe again. That's what last weekend was for me. The Captain was off on a Big, Fancy Civilian Business Trip to Florida the week prior and I was finishing up my last week of classes for the spring semester. Stresses were high. In between all the working, there were hearing appointments to attend and life to be participated in. We planned on celebrating his arrival back in town and my (hopeful) success in excelling in my classes by getting away for a little R & R, as much of that as you can have with two toddlers anyway. We ended up in a place that has shaped my family in more ways than one. My papaw was able to buy back his family farm after his family lost it many years ago. It means so much to him and has been a blessing to me, as well. It's a little oasis near the Tennessee/Georgia line called Ducktown, TN and you won't find Internet or Cell Service there even if you try.

It was perfect.

A weekend to celebrate my boys and the fact that I get to be their mother-

Completely unplugged from the world-

Unless we ventured into Blue Ridge, GA-

For the most part, we walked around the property-

Hiking-

Looking at the chickens-

and relaxing in the fresh air.

I'll cherish that weekend as long as I'm living. It's times like those that keep me going. I didn't fret about looking up signs to teach every time I talked. I didn't worry about tests or papers or appointments. I didn't use the t.v. to passify my toddler. I was just there with my favorites and it reminded me of what a happy life I have. Thanks be to God.

It was a very happy Mother's Day. I hope yours was just as sweet.

Doc Says-

"Share these" he says as he throws me a bag of 2 servings of M&Ms and saunters out the door in a suit and tie. Off to another business dinner, I'll imagine he's having steak and wine while I'm heating up chicken nuggets and pretending mashed potatoes is a vegetable. There's no chance these boys are getting any M&Ms. They've been nuts today. Mostly Baby A. He has yet another ear infection. He just can't seem to get rid of them and they are making me crazy. He's a very cranky young man these days and is making it hard on me to get anything done. It seems like my house is always in disarray. I try, I do, but you can only sweep up crumbs and wipe up milk eighty five times a day before you're just like "BRING ON THE ANTS- I'm sitting down".
I'm so tired. There's not enough time in the day and there certainly isn't enough time for me to sit down and write here, but I'm doing it anyway. That's where I've been lately- tending to my children, going to school, and working on my business in between baby #3 doctor appointments. It has been nuts. I have sat and waited in a doctor's office three times this week and I realize it's Thursday. The rate we've been going, I'm just crossing my fingers that number doesn't climb by the weeks end.
I have exactly eight days left in this semester. Everything EVERYTHING is due right now and these sicknesses my boys keep struggling with often throw a kink in my plans. I'm going to get this all done, though...and then I'm going to relax start another class. Boo.
Anyway, I really appreciate all the congratulatory comments you made on my last post about the babe starting to babble. I really was beginning to think he was on the mend and that when he got his tubes put in his ears that he would be talking up a storm in no time. I was hesitant to feel that way, but still I threw my hopes into that and I shouldn't have. Monday morning, I took him to a developmental specialist who assessed him and apologized profusely that it took her so long to see him. She said, "I don't know how he slipped through the cracks! We should have seen him after his referral in January." "Well, yeah", I thought, "Someone is finally taking me seriously about his language delay." She stepped out of the appointment to call Vanderbilt and try to get me squeezed into an appointment as quickly as possible after she heard about the delay we were experiencing in Chattanooga with both the ENT and audiologist there. She said it was unacceptable. She called Vandy and they didn't have any openings until the end of July, unless I could come the next morning because they just had a cancellation. I told her I absolutely would and began making plans to travel in the awful weather so we could get there to get him checked out by "the best." I got too worried to drive that night so I ended up leaving bright and early with my sister the next morning to drive to Nashville. The folks there relayed a much different diagnosis to us regarding his hearing. She told us that while the tests they were doing weren't as accurate as the ABR, she was confident enough to tell us that Baby A is experiencing severe to profound hearing loss. He's deaf.

I could tell you a million different things right now that I've been thinking about. It's mostly guilt. Confusion. Worry.
We started the process of getting him cochlear implants that day. She said that what she saw would need to be confirmed by his upcoming sedation ABR/tube insertion but that she was ready to get us started on this path because it does take a long time. This coming Monday, we will take my sweet boy off to have his ears molded for fitting of hearing aids. We've been told that the hearing aids will not allow him to hear, but rather get him used to having something on his ear and the sensations of possible sound amplification. During the tests, she had the machine up as loud as it would go (hurting my own ears) and he did not respond so she doesn't expect these to help at all but it is just part of the process.
I know he's usually happy. I know he'll be just fine. Still, I often break out in tears because K tries to talk to him all day. I'm sure they will develop their own way of communicating, but right now as I watch it just hurts my heart. I wish I could help Baby A. We have lots of specialists in our future who can, though and so I'm working diligently to get all these lined up for him. That's where I've been lately. I've been busy.

I'm hoping things will slow down soon and I can venture back to the land of blogging. I miss it very much. Thank you all for the texts, calls, and comments you've left already about my boy. He's going to be just fine and is exactly who God wants him to be and I can find joy in that. I'm so happy to be his mom.
Thanks for checking in with us.

Love,

*Photos by Becky Davis

Milestones of My Mini(s)

I know my family at least gets a kick out of hearing about the boys and how they're doing so behold- happy news:

Cray K is unbelievably kind at times. He surprises me daily with manners and a sweet demeanor. When he's not pitching fits and being a completely unreasonable two year old, he smiles at me with the biggest grin, reaches up to give me a big hug, or nestles his head onto my shoulder like he would stay there forever if I let him. His teacher at school says he apologizes for everything which makes me feel a little bad because I know he must get that from me. I once apologized to a lean cuisine, after all. Anyway, he often says, "Sorry, Sir" no matter if it's a man or woman or he's done absolutely nothing wrong. It's pretty cute. 

He is also counting. I mean, he has been reciting numbers in order for awhile now, but this evening we were reading and I noticed he was counting animals properly. Child genius*.

When his brother is crying uncontrollably, he stops what he is doing and tries to help the situation. He'll bring a toy over and try to get Baby A to smile or play with the toy. He'll offer a paci or give him a hug. These moments warm my heart.

After bedtime stories and prayers, he runs away when I try to kiss him and tell him goodnight, but I know it's just a part of his game. I can tell by the look in his eyes if I dare leave the room without blowing him a kiss and telling him I love him. He waits for it, depends on it. This kid is precious to me.

Baby A is a pistol. He explores everywhere and everything. His motor skills seem to be more advanced than K's were at this age. He mimics and learns quickly when it comes to things as important as play. He discards this trait when it comes to pesky things like discipline. When I tell him no (with my mad face, sign language, and voice), he giggles and pretends he's going to do it again! At least he's cute.

His little walk is the best. Sometimes he leads with his belly. Other times he's walking with his feet extra far apart as if he is a sumo wrestler. Sometimes he'll squat down a little and creep. It cracks me up. 

While he isn't exercising his newly found independence from us, he is still my sweet baby who wants to come up and lay his head on my lap. His face lights up when he sees me. It doesn't matter if I just escaped to the bathroom a minute ago or I've been gone for hours. He loves his mama and there is a special place for my middle child in my heart.

(P.S. He used the big boy potty the other day, a feat his older brother hasn't mastered.)

Then there's M. The newest family member is now the size of a banana. I can feel him kicking and squirming around a lot more this week and that makes me happy, too. I have been craving chocolate doughnuts by Merita Sweet Sixteen and nothing else will do. I've looked all over this town and there are none to be found. Booooo. Oh, but anyway, we were talking about the baby...I'm already very much in love with him, too. We selected a name and he's already mine. I wonder what he'll look like, how he'll play with his brothers when he's older, when he'll get his first tooth (Big brother just now developed one at 15 months old!), and if his hair will curl like my other boys' does.

This mama is blessed.

(*perhaps a slight exaggeration from proud mama)