Can I just talk honestly for a moment? Abe's surgery is coming up- at least I think it is. For months and months we've had this plan set in place, we've made hotel arrangements, babysitters, and scheduled off work. The plan was to implant Abel sequentially- meaning that he needs both sides implanted (bilateral), but we were planning on breaking up the procedure into two different surgeries spaced three months apart. We chose to do this because of a scary statistic we'd heard regarding balance issues when the surgery was done with both ears. We felt confident in our decision. Now, just days before his first surgery, we are having second thoughts. We've since done much research and asked around for professional and parental opinions and we've almost changed our minds. We want it done at the same time now. There are a whole host of pros and cons that I won't get into. Anyway, because I need that plan set in place- because I was counting on it- I feel unnerved now. More so than I already was. Yesterday, J called the surgeon to tell him we had changed our minds and talk to him about rescheduling or keeping the same date and implanting both that day. Just typing that out feels like fifty pounds of weight on my shoulders as it will likely change all the appointments we have set in place over the next few months. The Army taught me that I can't plan. I mean, I can, but I should have loose expectations of those plans coming to fruition. I don't know why I thought that when we parted ways with the Army that I would have more control. Anyway, I'm so nervous. Nervous that his surgery will be pushed back even further. Nervous what the surgeon, case worker, and audiologist all think about our decision (or indecision). Nervous that something will go wrong. Nervous that I'll never be able to speak to my second born and have him hear and understand me. Parents of kids with cochlear implants keep telling me- "Just wait! You will be amazed." I hope so. Right now, all I know is that Abel cries and screams at everything. He can't tell us what he wants so he just cries out of frustration. His signing is decreasing as we are trying to focus on listening and I feel as if I'm a huge disservice to him all around. I have so much guilt. The other parents I know who have a child with hearing loss do not have two other babes that need a lot of attention. They are working at home with their child in addition to the years of therapy that this sort of procedure will require. I don't know how to balance trying to help Abel "listen" and eventually speak when there are two other very loud little people thrown into the mix. It has been my thought since day one- I wish I could help him. I feel like I can't.
7 comments:
Sending lots of good thoughts and prayers your way. I can only imagine how you are feeling. Hugs!
Oh lady, I feel like I could comment all day on this. First, you're doing a GREAT job. The fact that this causes so much stress proves it. You clearly want wants best for Abel. We all know that.
When you originally told us you heard that stat about bilateral implants, I wanted to comment that I had never heard that before, but as parents, we are all going to make different decisions and as long as what you're doing is what is best for your family, that's what matters so I didn't say anything. We were told bilateral, all at once is the way to go 100000%. So if you do choose to go that route, try not to fear. We saw NO issues with Alex's vestibular qualities when he was bilaterally implanted. In fact, our little guy decided to explode with physical milestones DAYS after his surgery. (Talk about a panic attack!)
And also, I work full time and have another child in addition to Alex and I feel that we will still be able to give him what he needs to be successful and I have faith times 1000 that you'll be able to give Abel everything he needs and more.
I can only say take things one step at a time. Have faith. You love that little boy so much and he's going to be okay. I just know it. :) Prayers for you and your family!
You're absolutely doing what is right for y'all. The doctor et al should be supportive of your decision seeing as how it's made with medical advice in mind. Praying things are arranged quickly!
((hugs)) I know it's stressful. I love that picture you posted of Abel - he's obviously a precious, well-loved little man. Praying you have clear guidance and a smooth path ahead of you, and peace that passes even your understanding.
Oh gosh - I can't even begin to imagine what you are feeling. Raising kids is a tough job, and it's even tougher when there are medical, emotional, physical, social, etc issues at play too. I'm sending prayers and hugs your way.
It is SO hard to make decisions, important life-changing decisions, when it comes to our kids. You guys are in my thoughts and I hope one day the frustration/stress/anxiety/guilt all dissipates :)
I had 3 under 3 (that was 18 months ago) so I know the insanity of your days and I feel for you trying to care for Abel. I can't imagine the stress (and the mommy guilt). I can see what a great mother you are to all 3 of them and know God placed them with you because you CAN handle it well. Abel was placed in your home because God knew you could do it. I admire you! Looking forward to an update. I first started reading your blog when my third was born and you used call Kinley Crazy K and I related so much to your struggles with him because my son Caleb was a very very challenging baby (and is now a challenging 2 year old). I think you are a wonderful mother!
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