Hard Work

Some days it seemingly appears out of nowhere although it must have been brewing for a long time. The ugly cry. The yelling. The being the mom you don't want to be. It happened to me today. All my triggers were there, I just didn't see it coming. The other day, someone likened my kids to having triplets and while I can't put myself in the shoes of someone who has to feed THREE tiny humans every couple of hours throughout the night, I feel like I do share some struggles with the multiples moms. Mine are all still in diapers (judgment judgment judgment!), they all cry when they want something, and sleep through the night could be worse, but it could be a lot better, too. I end every day feeling as if I haven't been able to sit down and I truly haven't. Today, I did though. I should have known I would break down. After rushing out of the house, leaving behind a screaming preschooler with the sitter, I arrived at Abel's speech therapy. It all felt so pointless. He can't hear yet I'm driving an hour away to do this. I got home and felt so sleepy, drained. I ignored the house I should clean and the big boy I should play with. I put the baby in the swing and checked out. I don't want to be like that. I want to soak up every minute with the precious kids God has placed in my care, but y'all I'm tired. I don't know what's wrong with me.

J came home and we all went outside for awhile to enjoy some fresh air. When he came back in the house to take a conference call, I thought I'd check something online I've been meaning to research (our yard is fenced in and private). I stepped away for about two minutes and when I came back? Potting soil EVERYWHERE. All over the dog. In the crevices of smiles, teeth, and fingernails. Most notably however was the degree to which it was caked on the curly headed toddler who just had surgery on his head. I flipped.

Instead of smiling about how boys will be boys, I was mean and hurried them all to the bathtub. Trying to get dirt out of Abel's hair was only making matters worse and by the time they were semi-clean, I just put them all to bed despite the late hour. Then I cried.

Mothering is hard work.

The Bionic Boy- post surgery notes from Mama

I keep thinking this will all get easier to deal with. I look at how far we've come as a family in the past year and think it must. Less than a year ago, we started accepting the fact that our dear Abel wasn't progressing like a typical babe. Later, we found out he was deaf. Meanwhile, we were struggling with the financial issues that come with buying a house, paying for graduate school, and planning for a new baby to join the family. Pile on top of that, the stress of carrying another human, birthing him, and nurturing him while running the other two kids to doctor appointments, therapies, and "school" and I was feeling so stretched. Did I mention I tried my hand at starting a business, too? It was all too much. I just felt like eventually this season of our lives would slow down and get easier. I wasn't consciously creating a timetable for this, but I must've because somewhere in the back of my mind, I thought life won't be as scary once Abel has his surgery. I knew it would be a long road with many hours of speech therapy and driving to audiology appointments. But I also thought that the scary part would be over. He is out of surgery. He did well. Finally.

But you know what? The terrifying part has just begun. I didn't prepare myself for what life would be like post surgery partly because the people I spoke with and read about their experiences with the surgery said recovery was normal. I guess Abel's recovery has been fairly normal, too but he has had some other symptoms that are concerning. So what has it been like?
The ride home from the hospital that evening was rough. We were all so tired from a long day and had a three hour drive ahead of us. Abel was super groggy and nauseous (yes, he threw up on me) and so so pitiful. Even under anesthesia, he had quite a 'tude. He threw his paci and juice cup no less than 50 times on the way home. He was not happy and had a hard time sleeping in the car.
Post Surgery Day 1

We roused him around nine that morning and started trying to get him to eat and drink since he hadn't in so long. He tolerated a drink but was in no condition to eat. We could hardly get him to move honestly. He laid on the couch all day and it seemed as if his spirit was just completely broken. We changed his diaper, gave him meds, and moved him when he needed it (all things he would usually protest but was too tired to care). He fell in and out of sleep all day. We turned on cartoons and he camped out on the couch. His eyes floated toward the t.v. but he wouldn't lift his head to look at it. It started to alarm me. I wanted to get him moving and create some normalcy (b/c he has never spent more than 20 minutes straight in front of a t.v.) so we loaded our two youngest boys in the stroller so we could go for a walk. Still, I noticed his head was flopping around like a newborn. It was as if he couldn't control it. I thought maybe it was due to his large dressing so we decided to take it off an hour or two early. When we took it off, it didn't improve his head issue but we were pleased at how the incisions looked.
Day 2
He was up crying through the night so I think he had some pain. We brought some medicine in his room that morning and began the process of cleaning his head and ears. Applying creams. That sort of thing. He was not happy, but we were feeling hopeful because when we scooped him from his crib, he was standing up! That was a complete turn around from the day before. When we finally got him cleaned and ready for the day, we took him to the kitchen where he ate his first good meal in days. Afterward, we put him on the couch again because we noticed that his balance was still very much off. It broke my heart to see him want to move and play, but then get defeated when he couldn't because he was stumbling and falling so much. I even texted my mom and sister expressing my fears that we had done the wrong thing. I started to question everything. I took to facebook and asked for prayer because I truly believe in the power of prayer. By the end of the day, he was getting around so much better. I could tell he was still in pain, but there were smiles that day and he played and toddled like one and a half year olds should. That night, his temp spiked and we were worried again.

Day 3
J had to go back to work but I was thankful that he woke Abel up and helped me get him ready by taking care of his wounds, administering medicine, etc. I'll be honest- he has done most of the work. I get so upset trying to hold an angry, sad and in-pain toddler down to get these things accomplished and J has been so thorough in taking care of our boy. I'm lucky to have him. I expected the day to be so hard, but it wasn't. Kinley went off to Mother's Day Out and Merit slept much of the day so I could focus my attention on Abel. He did well. I noticed early on that he was leaning in on his right side and that worried me, but it slowly went away as the day wore on. His ears sticking out/swelling seemed to look better as well. He started walking more normally throughout the day and we have hope that he will continue to improve.

This has been emotionally taxing on me. I wish I could take his place. I wish I could take his pain. If only I could be deaf instead. But I also know that he is now a part of the bionic community...and what a great one it is. We are so grateful for this miracle procedure and we're hoping it proves to be one for us. More than anything, though we want Abel to be his happy, feisty self again. God is The Great Healer and I know He has him in His hands. Thank you all so much for caring about this journey and for joining us in praying for this sweet child. THANKS SO MUCH!

Surgery Up In the Air

Can I just talk honestly for a moment? Abe's surgery is coming up- at least I think it is. For months and months we've had this plan set in place, we've made hotel arrangements, babysitters, and scheduled off work. The plan was to implant Abel sequentially- meaning that he needs both sides implanted (bilateral), but we were planning on breaking up the procedure into two different surgeries spaced three months apart. We chose to do this because of a scary statistic we'd heard regarding balance issues when the surgery was done with both ears. We felt confident in our decision. Now, just days before his first surgery, we are having second thoughts. We've since done much research and asked around for professional and parental opinions and we've almost changed our minds. We want it done at the same time now. There are a whole host of pros and cons that I won't get into. Anyway, because I need that plan set in place- because I was counting on it- I feel unnerved now. More so than I already was. Yesterday, J called the surgeon to tell him we had changed our minds and talk to him about rescheduling or keeping the same date and implanting both that day. Just typing that out feels like fifty pounds of weight on my shoulders as it will likely change all the appointments we have set in place over the next few months. The Army taught me that I can't plan. I mean, I can, but I should have loose expectations of those plans coming to fruition. I don't know why I thought that when we parted ways with the Army that I would have more control. Anyway, I'm so nervous. Nervous that his surgery will be pushed back even further. Nervous what the surgeon, case worker, and audiologist all think about our decision (or indecision). Nervous that something will go wrong. Nervous that I'll never be able to speak to my second born and have him hear and understand me. Parents of kids with cochlear implants keep telling me- "Just wait! You will be amazed." I hope so. Right now, all I know is that Abel cries and screams at everything. He can't tell us what he wants so he just cries out of frustration. His signing is decreasing as we are trying to focus on listening and I feel as if I'm a huge disservice to him all around. I have so much guilt. The other parents I know who have a child with hearing loss do not have two other babes that need a lot of attention. They are working at home with their child in addition to the years of therapy that this sort of procedure will require. I don't know how to balance trying to help Abel "listen" and eventually speak when there are two other very loud little people thrown into the mix. It has been my thought since day one- I wish I could help him. I feel like I can't.

How To Parent?

Go here. Do this. Don't sleep because the heartburn is so bad. Clean up. Repeat.

My life has been a series of this lately. Over the past six months, Abel has had appointment after appointment. At first they were trying to figure out why he wasn't talking. At first, there were primary care doctors and developmental specialists. Then there were audiologist and ENTs. Now that we know he's deaf, there are all of thee above and then some. After we found out the news, he was added to an early intervention program and I mindlessly signed paper after paper thinking I was doing something that he needed. They pay when our insurance won't so it certainly is beneficial, but there are some aspects of the program that I didn't understand what I was getting us into.

Once a week (which is a lot when he also has speech once a week and I have a doctor appointment weekly, too), someone comes into our home and...tells me how to parent? I don't know. I still haven't figured out her role. In the beginning stages, I thought she would be there to encourage speech development, educational play, or help him with his sign language. We sat down and developed overall family goals that left me feeling like this was some sort of program to help parents who have no idea what they're doing. While it may very well be the case that I'm super overwhelmed by having (soon to be) three kids in diapers, I am also not readily accepting of having someone come in and offering additional advice. The truth is, unless you've been in these shoes, I don't think you quite understand how my day is. Many days, I'm barely making it. If your kids were spaced years apart, if you had a full time job, if your family lived right down the road as you parented--these make one's journey very different. Couple that with not knowing the stress that comes along with having a child who has special needs, it makes it difficult for me to relate. I know people have helpful advice, but I often have a hard time taking it to heart. I know how that makes me sound.
I feel as if the last thing I have time for is to sit down for an hour with someone and take suggestions on how to run my household and family. This woman is sweet...and honestly, I love having another adult to talk to throughout the day. At the same time, these home visits add more stress to me. The house will be perfectly clean and she walks in and suddenly the kids are throwing stuff everywhere. Last time she was here, Abel climbed up on the porch table and threw off all the place mats while Kinley stuffed his head in a plastic bag. It's really no wonder they think I need assistance with motherhood.
And really, the program is voluntary. I just didn't understand that when I first started the program. Now, I feel like I have to do it because I took up the case worker's time and the woman's time by developing these goals and meeting up to sign papers, etc. Last time she was here she asked me to think of some things I wanted to work on next time. I thought all week and couldn't come up with anything that I think she can help me with. I mean, what would make my life easier? Well, for starters, it'd be easier if Abel could hear. This would make trips to the park a lot better because I wouldn't have to be directly in front of him to talk to him while I attempt to wrangle the other toddler out of harm's way in the parking lot. It would be helpful if I could breathe normally whilst doing this. It would be great if I wasn't waddling and feeling as if I'm about to pass out in the heat while we're there. These are things no one can fix right now. I'm okay with that. These are things throughout the day that you just figure out. Unless you're going to grab a kid when he's about to topple off the highest level of the playground out of sheer joy to be outside, I don't think advice will help the situation. Unless you want to push one in the swing while I take off toward the other to encourage him to share the sand toys instead of hoarding them all then I don't quite have time to think about how YOU would have handled the situation. Remember, I'm barely making it.
I can't even focus on what is being said in these sessions because I'm busy parenting. These kids require constant attention. Don't climb that. Don't eat that. Take your fingers out of the toilet. Please find an inside voice BEFORE MAMA GOES ABSOLUTELY NUTS.
I racked my brain, but I just couldn't come up with something for her to help me with. I probably offended her, but I told her I didn't have any goals for her and I wasn't sure where to go from here. She sent me a text and then called suggesting we put off our meetings until after I have the baby and Abel gets his cochlear implants because life will "slow down". I don't think that's entirely true. There will be more audiology and speech appointments. There will be postpartum appointments. There will be new baby appointments. I will have a baby attached to my breast for about a year. Life is not going to slow down. I fear I made her mad when I suggested any of these feelings. It was not my intention. My intention is to make my house as pleasant at possible. I want to parent in a way that I'm proud of, a way that would make my Father in Heaven proud. I want to give my kids a happy childhood. I want to challenge Abel and the rest of my children to be the best people they can be despite any hurdles that might be in their way. I want the walls of this house to be accustomed to laughter and not yelling. Magic not stress. Happiness not worry. And I'm still trying to figure out how to accomplish this. Aren't we all?

Let's talk budgeting-

I've spent the majority of this pregnancy depressed if I'm being totally honest. So when my oldest son picked up a piece of mail, "read" my name on the envelope, and opened it and exclaimed, "Oh no. Another one" that was my breaking point for this week. As much as I try not to let my sadness and stress influence him, I know that it does. He's watching everything I do and listening to everything I say. I know it's not just him, too. Abel knows I'm sad...even Merit probably feels it. That just adds to my guilt.

I don't know if it's the influx of hormones or what, but I have felt mostly unhappy during the past year. We've had a lot thrown our way- many of these happenings are blessings, I know they are, but still it feels incredibly overwhelming at times. Right now, I'm wishing we never bought this house even though I love it. It just feels like a large money pit. There were so many projects we wanted to do to it and I wanted to decorate it, finally, because it was a place we were staying at longer than a year. It was going to be home. But with Abel's recent medical bills and mine with this pregnancy, it doesn't feel like we should be here. The house feels too big. It's a pendulum above my head.

I know that money doesn't matter. It's not ours anyway...it's God's. I get nervous, though and when that bill came today and Kinley pretended to be worried, too that just made me feel about two feet tall. When you're wearing your rose colored glasses and purchasing your first home, you don't think that something might come up that costs a lot of money. You don't think your child might need cochlear implants. You definitely don't consider that your insurance won't pay for it. I've been on the phone off and on all week with doctors and our insurance company, trying to figure out what's going on. It has been a mess. The insurance company is telling me one thing and Vanderbilt another. I'm trusting in God that this is going to work out in some way in His time.

Until then, this family needs a plan. 

What are some ways you save money? Cut out cable, cell, etc bills? Clip coupons? Budgeting tricks? What's the single most helpful way you've found to watch your spending?

Cray K Goes to the Dentist (Part 1)

I've got my coffee beside me and I've already battled and semi-conquered a printer issue this morning so I'm going to say that's a good start. I don't even want to do today. I cancelled one of my middle child's appointments today so that we could just do nothing. It has been crazy around here. Honestly, I have some doctor or specialist to go to every single day between the three of us. I cancelled his speech assessment because, well, he says nothing. The early intervention program I'm working with asked me to reschedule it so that I wouldn't end up paying for it. Fine by me, I guess.

There I was. Nothing on the agenda for Tuesday! I was delighted. Then my husband calls and tells me I need to make an appointment for Cray K to go to the dentist. You guessed it. It had to be today. Let's just forget that this is going to be an abysmal failure anyway. I fully expect fits, shaking, and a refusal to open his mouth leading to me barely making it back out to the car before I burst into crazy pregnant lady tears. I know he needs to go, but it would just be great if I could go to work like the other half of the world and send my husband to one of these appointments in my place. Just one. Just one so he can see why I'm so frazzled at the end of every day.

More and more, I find myself checking out. Yesterday, I made it a goal to start the 12 page paper I need to turn in next week. I got a pathetic outline ready which may or may not have read "INSERT CREATIVE TITLE HERE" and/or "Here's the plan, man."

 It's bad, y'all. I'm tired and there's no end in sight.

We can talk about happy things, though. Those aren't off limits. Perhaps next time I'll tell you all about my weekend with friends! Additionally, Baby A is signing up a storm. The pediatrician tells me that his visual language is up to par with his peers spoken language and perhaps surpasses it. In other words, he signs more words than most his age can talk. That was encouraging!

What do you have going on today?

Decisions, decisions

I talked to my bestie yesterday for fifty two minutes on the phone. We both found an open window of time, which is rare, and were able to just talk without interruptions. That hasn't happened in a long time. Feeling no time constraints, I found out exactly what was on my mind because I just couldn't shut up. It all came pouring out. All the thoughts, concerns, fears, and expectations of Baby A's upcoming appointments with the specialists at Vanderbilt have flooded my head. I can try to distract myself, but when I attempt it I find myself gravitating toward books or social media which doesn't always help because I am drawn to information about Cochlear Implants (CIs). I end up reading the good and the bad during the little free time I have. The bottom line is that this is a huge decision, one I almost don't feel is mine, but it has to be.

Ultimately, I want God to just sit beside me and tell me what to do. I wish I had step by step instructions from Him. Instead, I hear nothing. Maybe it's because I'm not listening. Maybe it's because I'm not praying enough for His will. My prayers have been full of tearful hope that Cochlear Implants will be the route we take and that he will thrive with them. But should I not be asking that? I don't know. I start thinking about how his sweet, perfect head will be opened up to have something foreign inserted and all I feel is that this should be a personal decision. I am his mother, though. His dad and I will have to make the decision for him and it's so scary.

These CIs are modern miracles. I truly believe that. It's incredible really. Even if they work and Baby A is able to hear with them, there are x number of things that could go wrong. They could stop working. Get infected. Annoy him. Et cetera. The thing is- he will always be deaf. At night, he will take the processors off and it will be silent. When he gets in the pool (unless he has specialized equipment), he won't hear. He'll always be deaf. There's nothing I can do to change that. It's with that knowledge that I want to equip him in any way I can now. The time is just ticking away for oral language learning and sign language and I can't tell you how frustrated that makes me. Professionals will likely tell me not to teach him to sign and to encourage him to focus on the sound (he will hopefully one day hear). But he'll always be deaf. I feel lead to give him something. I might feel differently if he was young, but before I know it he will be two. TWO years behind his peers.Two of the most important years in development. I look at his older brother and how much he has progressed with language and cognition and it makes me so happy for him and just so frustrated for my second born who will have to work doubly as hard as many of his hearing peers.

Yesterday someone with the early intervention program told me to just breathe and to take time to absorb everything. I feel like I can't. I don't want to stop looking for different avenues that could help him. I want to move forward. I don't know which way is forward, though. I'm feeling so lost with all the different appointments and therapies and programs that have been suggested. Needless to say, I'm counting down the days until we can make the trip to Nashville again and find out more about what we might expect down the road. I'm trying to relax and breathe. 

He's alive. He's happy. Thanks be to God.

Bullet Points of Things You Should Know

*I'm trying to figure out if I still blog. I have increasingly picked up my pen and paper journal over the last few weeks, something I haven't done regularly for about a year! I just noticed that some of you were leaving/unsubscribing and I thought you might be tired of me talking about the struggles we've been having lately. Not that it matters, really- I know this is my blog and I can write freely, but at the same time I wonder myself if this is something I should continue to share.
*This busy season of our lives has me away from the computer a lot, too. Yesterday was one of the worst days I've had this entire pregnancy. I woke up feeling sick, but I just tried to ignore and drink lots of water. I went about my day, dropping off the kids at school and decided to go shopping to look for baby items. As I walked through the stores, I stayed near the restrooms thinking that any minute I was going to need them. It was the first trimester all over again. I finally capitulated and came home to rest before I had to pick the boys up at two. When I woke up from my nap, I felt really really awful. When I got home from getting them, I put them to sleep despite one of them already having a nap that day and crawled in bed myself. I spent the evening violently ill and having pretty regular contractions. I was alarmed, but around 11pm last night, I started to feel slightly better.
*I have no less than 80 billion mosquito bites on my pasty white legs. I feel so hot. ;)
*My pal from college has written another book. Book 2 in the Ethereal Underground Trilogy is available today on Amazon! Here's more about it:

Mark of Deceit

By Brooke Kennedy and Briana Gaitan

Book two in the Ethereal Underground Trilogy

Release Date 6/3/2014

Available TODAY at Amazon  $2.99 (Other formats coming soon)

Good Read Summary

Goodreads Link

Website

She thought that her Elders would welcome her back home with open arms…
He thought that she would stay by his side forever…
Now a friend is missing….
They thought the seer’s words were just that…words
But not all is as it seems….

Months later, Ash and Annalise have both returned to their separate lives after their adventure in the forbidden layer of Cabalin, Both of them are struggling to move on with their lives. Fighting has kept Ash busy for the most part, but it allows him to release his frustrations and earn some gems to survive. He thought renouncing the keepers would free him, but he ended up losing his way. Annalise is plagued by nightmares and emotions that are even more out of control than before. She is desperate for an answer, desperate for a way out, until the Elders offer her exactly what she needs: a way to break the bond with Ash in return for her compliance with their own mission

Author Links

Briana Gaitan

www.facebooks.com/booksbybree

www.bookswithbree.com

Brooke Kennedy

www.facebook.com/beneaththesilvermoon

www.brookekennedy.org

Launch Party/ Book Signing

https://www.facebook.com/events/236615703206203/

I hope you'll check it out. I haven't read it yet, but I look forward to it when life slows down a bit here.

*I'm still taking classes. I worked ahead when my latest class became available and was able to do next to nothing for about three weeks. It has been strange. Such a big difference from last semester. I need to get to work and finish up the other four weeks of assignments now. That would be so helpful to not have that to worry about as baby's arrival gets closer and closer.

*In case you didn't know, I'm 29 weeks along. Whoa Nelly.

*Exciting things are coming up for my business. This summer, I'll be attending at least two local 5Ks where I'll be setting up shop. This is your chance to come and shop in person. Follow along on facebook for more information. Additionally, I have several new designs up and coming! We're expanding to provide men's and children's gear, too. Here's the latest shirt. It's my new fav:

Like it? Shop here.

*Ok, I've got to start my day now. Wish me luck that it's not a repeat of tomorrow. Pretty, please?

Love,

Mid Week News

I miss meeting you here every day. My time to write is now dedicated to research papers and discussion board posts, something I dread almost every day. I only have about 3.5 more weeks with these two classes and then I'm cutting back. I took on too much; I know that. Yesterday, I couldn't hold my eyes open. The strain of this pregnant body bending over to pick up children, the weight of this new adventure, and trying to do the best I can in my graduate studies was weighing on me. I'm tired. Every day when I have to march the kids off to their Mother's Day Out program twice a week, I find myself questioning what I'm going to do without them at home with me. Sure, there are plenty of things I could do- clean the house without having to stop a task 85 times to change a diaper, break up a toy scuffle, or redirect someone's wandering hands that are headed toward a bucket of cleaning supplies. Perhaps I could take a test or write a paper. All things that need to be done. Yet, I think about what they're doing at school and how I'm missing it all and for what purpose? To obtain a degree I care little about? What I really want from life is to look back knowing I did all I could for my children and see that they are happy, functioning adults who chase after God's will in their lives. I'm not too sure how this degree fits into that. Still, I grew up with the lesson that we finish what we start and so I want to do this. Maybe just one class next semester, though. 

We're all doing well. My second born is babbling, finally! It's music to my ears to hear the occasional sounds that actually sound like he might hear us when we talk. Babies half his age are doing this and so it has been a long time coming. "Da, da, da" and "La, la, la" all day long. It's wonderful.

K is hilarious. He makes me laugh a lot. One thing he says that is just completely untrue is that "Money's on the couch." If he talks to J throughout the day and he asks where I am, he'll say that I'm sitting on the couch every single time. Y'all. I hardly have time to sit down. Yet, that's where he always says I am. It makes me sound lazy. Little fibber. 

My coffee is gone so that must mean it's time to start the day. I hope you all have a great one. I'm gonna meditate on this thought today:

"Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." ~1 Peter 5:7

Happy Wednesday!

(Photos by Stephanie Bright Hatcher)

Tuesday Therapy

I'm so close to having several dreams realized. They're right there. I'm working toward them, but I'm also tired. So tired. I don't know if it's this pregnancy, motherhood, or what but I'm just constantly feeling the need to prop my eyelids open with toothpicks. It's bad, y'all.

It's that feeling that there's always one more thing to do. Dishes, homework, meetings, doctor appointments. There's never any break. Not really. The only reason I have time to sit down now is because I'm currently allowing the baby to sleep well into the evening and the toddler is dumping all the dirt from my flower pots out while I watch from the sun room. Choose your battles, right? That's why we're having pizza tonight while Daddy is off at his work meeting and I'm hanging with the kids because I refuse to make another meal that is just going to primarily end up on the floor or in the trash because Cray K is so darn picky. I just can't deal with it today.

This morning I went to an AA meeting to fulfill requirements for one of my classes. I was supposed to be observing and I did, but all I could think about was how these women weren't all that different from me. They mentioned similar struggles I have and I found myself wanting to be a part of their little (big!) community just so I could share, too. They all had support. I found myself wondering if I could just meet up with my close friends every day or every other day for one hour just to talk if that could turn my life around, too. I think I'm on to something here, don't you? ;) Oh, a girl can dream.

These next few months are going to be bananas, I know that. The next few years are, too. It's just this season of life right now that makes me feel on the go. It's part of it. Just yesterday, I heard an old man whisper to someone (talking about me), "She sure has her hands full, doesn't she?" And my kids weren't even screaming. Pregnant belly. Toddler. Baby. Yes, my hands are so full. My heart is, too. But Lord, so is my head. I've been thinking all week about why we ever left the beaches of Florida and I just can't seem to recall it. I could sure use a sunny beach nap sans kids. 

It's not even Wednesday, is it?

I can't talk to my child

I just need to write. I usually try to respond to all the comments on the previous post prior to posting a new one, but I'm feeling a little overwhelmed this morning. If we're friends on facebook, you might already know the news. Baby A can't hear. In my heart, it feels so devastating to read that. It's heavy. It hurts. I hurt for him.

We don't know the extent of his hearing loss yet. We DO know that there is some sound in his ear, but very little compared to normal functioning. The next step is the sedated ABR. We couldn't get him to cooperate by falling asleep at the test yesterday so we will have to take him back to learn more. I'm eager to find out how to help him, but in the same breath I'm mourning a little.

I know I shouldn't. He's healthy and not being able to hear is what he knows, but it's not what I know and all I can think about is how I can't talk to my child. Every sentence I utter, I go over the very limited sign language I know in my head; I'm lucky if I can sign one word out of everything I say. I don't know where to start and I feel so overwhelmed. I feel so bad, though I know this is just a thing. Something I couldn't help. Still, as parents we yearn to protect our children from hardship and I just keep thinking of all the moments in his future that I won't be able to shield him from...

*the looks from strangers insinuating that he's badly behaved when he screams (his only way of communicating) for something

*learning to read (how do you read a book to a child that is hearing impaired?)

*and what if kids poke fun at his possible hearing aids or delayed language development?

I've just got to stop because I'm in tears. I want desperately to help and my hands are tied right now. I can't.

Thank you so much for your prayers as we move into this new chapter of our lives. God is with us and he has plans to prosper us and not harm us. I believe that.

The Scoop

Thanks for the well wishes on our house hunt. There was such a heavy load lifted from my shoulders when we signed the papers for our new house. It was everything we wanted and we had our move-in date and everything! Two weeks before closing, we got word that the appraisal came back $14,500 less than what we agreed to pay. Trouble was- the owner had gotten an appraisal months before that was much, much higher and so that's what he believes the house is worth. Obviously, we decided not to pay that much money for a house that isn't worth that right now. The owner declined our appraisal offer (with much sass, by the way) and so we walked. Bye, bye beautiful house on five acres. Hello, house hunt. What did we learn? Well, house buying is frustrating. We also learned that maybe we don't want a lot of land right now. Maybe we want the convenience of being closer to the interstate. That house was about 15-20 outside of Cleveland and we were beginning to worry that we had made a mistake although I know we would have been happy there. Everything works out the way it is supposed to, doesn't it? Still, I have an urge to bust into the toddler's room as he naps and grab the countdown-to-closing chain we made and set it on fire since it no longer applies.

I'm pretty discouraged today. For weeks now, I've been telling Holly (our dog) that it won't be much longer and things will be back to normal for her. She went from living inside with us to staying in a pen on the back of the property here. She's lonely. Furthermore, we are still in my parents' hair and I don't know what our next step is. Saturday we are going to look at 8 more houses and if we don't find anything interesting then I think it will be time to look for rental homes as bad as that sucks.

Want some good news, though? My husband is coming home in about an hour from his business trip. Yay! We've missed him.

Monday (creative title lacking)

Mondays really are awful, aren't they? There's the argument that stay at home moms (SAHM) don't get a weekend really because they're always on the job, but at least on Saturday and Sunday I can expect that my husband will at least change one diaper between the two of them and that's one less diaper for me. Then Monday rolls around and the youngest won't eat, yet he wants to chew on his spoon, thereby making an awful mess of carrots on his neck, face, and shirt. Then he won't take a bath sitting up apparently and the baby bath is tucked away in a garage a couple houses down the street. Then the two year old is bored, maybe? So he runs around whining excessively and smacking random objects in frustration. Now everyone is crying for no good reason..and how do I deal? By eating a leftover hotdog, piece of birthday cake, and coke from the night before because nothing says I'm stressed like getting fat.

This move has been awfully stressful on us. I think it's just because this is it. We aren't moving again for awhile. We get to buy a house. It's a lot different this time. I'm nearly thirty years old and I've never bought a house. It's all new to us. We want to do it right, but we also are in a hurry to get out of my parents' house because, let's be honest, we are freeloadin'. It's so easy to take their groceries, use up their water for showers, and weasel our way back into their routines. I don't know why I feel this way because many people have offered up their homes to us, but I just feel bad. Undeserving of help.

We went house hunting on Saturday. We looked at seven houses and it was a very long day. Looking at houses is supposed to be fun, but I felt bad all day for leaving one of the kids with his uncle all day (on his birthday!). When we were done, all I could think about was that we didn't love any of the houses and we were no closer to finding a home than we were the week before. Now, another week will go by because we can't house shop throughout the week because of J's job hours and how far away we'd have to drive to look at a house.

I know I sound so ridiculous. Everything we've ever wanted has happened for us. We have a happy marriage, beautiful & sweet children, and now we live in East Tennessee again! And it really has only been a week. I'm sure we'll find a place soon and we shouldn't rush the process, but I'm just feeling the pressure to get my crew into a place of our own before we all go a little crazy. Baby A just isn't adjusting well. His sleep patterns have changed drastically and he has been so fussy lately. I know kids need stability and I feel bad for interrupting that for him, too. Ugh.

It's definitely a Monday.

I need a few minutes

I'm done. The semester is over and I'm hoping to start breathing at a steady pace again. I have been incredibly stressed trying to balance motherhood, grad school and changing my lifestyle to a healthier one.

Yesterday was Mother's Day. The boys are sick so we couldn't go to church. J and I both had a whole host of busy work due for our graduate programs and there was only time for wiping snotty noses and perusing through research articles, pretending to read and understand them while small children scream neediness in our ears. While everyone was posting photos with their own mothers or children, we were doing the doggy paddle just trying to stay above water. Yesterday wasn't fun. I kept thinking, "All I want is to go out by myself for a few minutes" but that's a pipe dream these days. I feel bad for even admitting I need time to myself.

The day wasn't all bad, though. In between toddler tantrums and baby coughing fits, there was my husband who was trying to make the best of my second Mother's Day. He gave me a card, cleaned the kitchen, asked me to go take a nap (which of course is impossible here), and then later fixed me a delicious meal.

I'm lucky to have him.

Now, if you'll excuse me, Cray K wants a "badeeta" (banana) and I have to get this house in working order again. I'm glad to be back to blogging.

Love,

Nothing Is Impossible

I woke up Monday morning feeling motivated. I had recently cracked open a fortune cookie that read, "Happiness is activity." With that in mind, I set out to enjoy my day by being productive. I wanted to have the house in order, the kids taken care of, and the majority of my school work done for the week. You know what? I did it. All of those things were accomplished and then some. I know how--it's because I didn't read a single blog yesterday. You people are time consuming.

Anyway, I was having a really great day and then BAM.

I wasn't.

I tried uploading my homework, participating in required discussion forums, and taking quizzes but none of these things would work for me. It turns out that there's a weird kink with the university's blackboard system that won't work if you're using a Mac and Comcast (Xfinity) Internet together. I was bummed. Actually, bummed is not the word. I was pissed. I mean, if you're going to take thousands of dollars out of my wallet, you should probably let me know if there's a stipulation to attending school online. News flash- A lot of people have Macs...and a lot of people use Comcast. I was so angry, still am really but I'm trying to deal with it.

I don't know what's wrong with me, but I'm just so emotional about everything lately. I'm attributing it to my hormones still being out of whack after having Baby A, but I really don't like who I am right now. After spending half the day trying to figure out the problem with my class, I wanted to give up. That tight, awful feeling started gripping my chest and I felt like I was going to have an anxiety attack. It wasn't just the initial WHY DOES EVERYTHING ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME? It was more along the lines of WHO DO I THINK I AM? I CAN'T DO THIS. I JUST NEED TO ACCEPT THAT AND MOVE ON. Honestly, I tried to get a hold of an advisor so I could drop the class and get my money back. I called after-hours, though or I would have quit again. I was that stressed.

I find myself wishing I knew what God wanted me to do. I really don't know if this is the route I'm supposed to take. I just feel like I should take some route instead of standing idle. I don't know if I want to listen to other people discuss their marital issues with me, though. I've got my own family who needs my attention, ya know? Still, I hate to start something I didn't finish and that's the only reason I want to continue on this journey I started years ago.

It's going to be hard enough going to school with two small children at home with me. The last thing I need is to not be able to work from our computers. It is so frustrating. That's where I'm at right now. I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to proceed from here. I'm told Comcast can replace the device I have with one that will work, but I'm not holding my breath. I went to bed angry about all of this. I woke up angry, too.

I got out my devotional this morning and flipped open to find the perfect words for me to hear today. They were so good, I began writing them in my prayer journal:

Just the thinking WHY DOES EVERYTHING ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME is shameful. I hate when that thought floats across my brain. Because, really Mrs. K?

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

Clearly, I'm so very blessed. I want to cry at just the thought of questioning this life of ours. Life is so so good. I have every reason to be happy. My boys are happy and healthy and that's my most important job in this life of mine. I don't need anything else.

It is my prayer that I recognize this every single day.

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us."

Ephesians 3:20

Today

(Shoes & Top- Target; Burnt Orange Skinnies and Bracelet- Altar'd State)

What a day. It's silly to me to think about why I end each day feeling as if nothing was accomplished when in reality I do a lot. Moms do that. There's always some chore to be done, a little boo-boo to kiss- energy expended into these tiny humans. Yeah, stuff got done today. I raised my child a little more and that's enough. Some days it doesn't feel like it, but I know better.

And besides all that, I got a lot done anyway- washed diapers, attended Baby A's doctor visit, filled out paperwork for my upcoming visit to see Doc, scheduled gym time for a mommy & me class, cleaned the kitchen...

Oh, the list goes on. I'm terrified of starting school again next week. I already have anxiety about it. I don't know how I'll find time; I just know it will work out. Somehow, it'll get done. Surely.

I got a quick workout in today, too. Thanks to my new Polar watch that arrived in the mail, I know that I burned 200 calories in under 20 minutes. Not too bad for an impromptu burn sesh! I'm learning to accept that I don't get allotted exercise time so I have to jump at the chance when I do see a window of opportunity. J came home to work at the house, K was sleeping, and A was sleepy after his doctor appointment so I strapped on my HR monitor and running shoes and hit the road. I ran a mile and then came home to do burpees, squats, and crunches. Both babes were up within minutes of me getting home. Perhaps tomorrow I'll have more time to play with the monitor, but I love it so far.

Oh, you're wondering what the photo has to do with this post? Absolutely nothing. I just wore that today and decided to play fashionista. The bright colors had me daydreaming of Spring. Just kidding. I live in Florida. It's always spring.

Over and out.

Just Keep Swimming

In just over a week, I'll be returning to school to work on my Master's again. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. Our Mac is acting like it's coming down with the sickness and that's just the least of my worries. Last time I worked on this degree, I had a colicky newborn. I couldn't get anything done. J was also working on his Master's (still is) and we were constantly working and always stressed. What has changed? Well, that colicky newborn is now a very challenging toddler and another babe has been added to our family. That's why I'm nervous. I couldn't do it then. What if I can't do it now? I already feel overwhelmed in trying to get simple house chores done in addition to successfully parenting each day. Perhaps I'm too hard on myself. I've been known to be that way from time to time.

Anyway, I wanted to let my fellow college-goers in on the perks of renting textbooks with CampusBookRentals.com.  By doing so, you can save anywhere between 40-90%! That's awesome. We all know how ridiculously expensive text books can be. I almost always purchase mine online. Their program includes free shipping both ways and flexible rental periods. You can also feel free to highlight in the texts, too. That's a must for me. I'm a highlighting machine.

One of the best perks of renting with them is that they donate to Operation Smile with every rental!

They also have a new program called RentBack.com that allows you to rent your books to other students. Obviously, a huge perk there would be that you would likely make more money by renting the book out to other people instead of a one time selling fee. At the end of the period, you'll get your own book back. Brilliant!

For those of you who are plugging away at a degree, keep up the good work. Keep fightin' the good fight. As for me, I think I'll adopt this mantra:

(Full Disclosure: I was compensated for writing this post. As always, opinions expressed are my own.)

Just get it out

I don't even know if I'm ready to write about this but here goes...

This passing week was one for the books. The expression, "When it rains, it pours" comes to mind. And boy, did it pour- literally and figuratively. I'm embarrassed to say that I called my mom as per usual crying like a little baby. If I'm honest, looking back on the storm, it's actually pretty funny. Ridiculous, but typical. As a former military wife, I've learned to expect the worst when my husband leaves.

I like to think that I hold the fort down just fine while he's away and I actually do, but sometimes when I'm extra stressed, life throws extra little kinks my way. I was just over it. Over the separation. Over doing everything myself- moving, parenting, life. I felt so so alone this week. My husband was only four hours away, but that didn't matter. What mattered to me was that I hadn't been with him much at all over the past two months.

J's new job required some extensive training so he has been gone so much. That is coming from an Army Wife who knows what it's like to be away from her spouse frequently. He'd sneak home for days at a time and that was nice, but very disrupting, too. You know how it is if you have a toddler. He was so confused. "Daddy? Daddy?" he would say when he woke up in the morning and J was gone again. It was sad.

I don't like living life alone. Sure, I had my two babies to keep me busy, but that brings so much stress on itself. I started living for bedtime again. Anyway, with the end in sight (J is coming home tonight!), I'm ready to laugh about what all spiraled out of control. After all, it was really quite stupid.

1. It stormed. Like crazy, windy, tornado weather. I'm terrified of tornadoes. There's no such "safe place" in our new home so I just spent much of one evening pretty worried. I woke up the next morning to...

2. our lawn chair in the lake/pond behind our house. I walked down to try to get it out and I couldn't reach it. "Oh well", I thought. "We'll just be the redneck neighbors who dry cloth diapers outside and occasionally chain their dog when it needs to pee who let their yard furniture float around in the water." Captain J could deal with it when he got home. Except I couldn't do that (more on this later).

3. One day, I was trying to sort through the massive collection of garbage accumulating in our garage. I snuck out when Cray K wasn't looking, but he soon discovered that I wasn't in the house and must be in the garage. In the midst of him trying to open the door to go outside, he managed to turn the lock instead. I tried to get back inside and there it was. Resistance. Knob wouldn't turn. My heart sank. My babies were inside. My phone was inside- I couldn't call a locksmith or the police. I was terrified for a minute as I frantically jiggled the door knob. Then I remembered that it was possible I had an extra key in my car which happened to be...unlocked! I'm so thankful that worked out the way it did, but I have learned my lesson. I hope.

4. Baby A picked this week to be so! angry! I mean, it was nothing like when K was a baby, but he definitely wasn't his normally chill little self. I think it had a lot to do with the antibiotic I was on upsetting his tummy. Poor babe. And poor mama! It's difficult when you have two children who need you constantly and there's never any relief. Props to the single parents out there. And to all you military wives who deal with deployments and children? I have no idea how you don't go completely insane.

5. I sat down with a cup of joe and guess what? I spilled it all over our wireless keyboard. I thought all was fine until I woke up the next morning to only half of it working properly. Things you might not know: a) "P" is actually in a lot of words b) the enter/return key is absolutely crucial This is why I haven't been blogging. It sounded more like a chore to try to copy and paste letters from the internet when I needed them so I opted to just not go there. Now, I'm typing from the new keyboard that arrived in the mail just moments ago. What can I say? I missed y'all.

6. So...where were we in the lawn chair fiasco? Ahh, yes. It was stuck out of reach behind my house. I decided the following morning to dig out my waders and go in after it. I found them hanging in the garage so I grabbed them and went out to get the chair. The chair was not there. It was on the other side of the body of water. Pretty far away. And remember I have two under two in my care. How was I going to get that stupid chair out of the water? Leave them inside? What about alligators? Snakes? Should I do it? My facebook friends encouraged me to get it so I went for it. Waders and all. I needed them. The water was up to my waist. On the long walk back to the house, a neighbor stopped me and I'm pretty sure made fun of my attire. Here, you can make fun, too-

7. Then THEN! The smoke alarms decided to start randomly sounding every hour. Then every 30 minutes. It was bananas...and awful. The boys were freaked out but Holly, the dog? She thought it was the end of the world. After the first noise, she followed me around at my feet, whining. Loud noises make me so stressed out. I can't explain it. I just want to shut them off immediately FOR THE LOVE! I couldn't figure out what was going on because I couldn't reach some of the alarms. After climbing on a desk and reaching up with my tippy toes, I finally get the darn cover off and see that it is hard wired. I couldn't take it anymore after hours of this so I took down all the alarms (we have 7!) and removed their batteries because they then started chirping. I placed them all in the garage and brought out my white flag and wine because I needed it. With renewed energy the following morning, I set out to buy all new batteries. Long story short, those didn't work. I've called the fire department (no help) and the realty company we rent from (also no help) and the alarms still are resting quietly in my garage. If I die in the next few days from a house fire, my family should know that it's time to sue the pants off the realtors.

That is all and it was enough. I was just spent. A bunch of little things got me...but we put on our tough faces and got through it. If you made it this far, you must really love me. Thanks for listening reading. I had to just get it out.

If You Could Step Into My Head...

There's an old song that says, "If you could step into my head, tell me would you still know me?" I wondered that today. This blog allows me to put up a certain front if I want to. So many people read it and feel like they know me, like we talk every day, and we're friends. I know because they've told me. I really love that about this space here. But sometimes I wonder what they'd really think if they knew what went through my head half the time. Would they still like me?

I wasn't the mother I want to be today. I haven't been in weeks. I yell. I get frustrated. I react badly. I can't tell you how many times recently I have thought to myself, "WHY is he so bad?" Typing that out just now breaks my heart because there's nothing bad about my child. He is so sweet. His behavior sometimes is what could use some work and that's a reflection on ME. As soon as the thought crosses my brain, I quickly pray it away. This child is good and I'm the one failing him. It scares me so much.

If you really know me, you know that when my best friend called me two days ago she couldn't understand a word I was saying because I was crying so hard. Both babies had been screaming and a host of other things had occurred and I was completely spent. That's what this transition has been like for me.

I am not supermom. Half the time, I don't even feel worthy of being their mom.

Hello, from Florida...

I almost went a whole week without blogging. You KNOW it must have been chaos here for that to happen. My mother texted me today asking when I was going to get my Internet turned on because she said she was having "social media withdrawals." Who am I to disappoint? Here's what I've been up to:

It all started on a blustery Friday morning. My sister, my kids and I set out on a journey to Florida with cartoons and snacks at the ready. And boy, were they needed! It wasn't as terrible awful as I thought it might be, however it was a bit stressful and by the next day all of my nails were bitten off. I won't go into a mile by mile novel about what occurred but let's just say that I learned a lot more about my sister that I didn't already know. For example, she doesn't ever paint her nails because when she does it feels like they're "smothering." Whoa.

The bright spot of our eight hour drive was stopping at Cracker Barrel as one of my wise friends suggested. Here's a Vine video from that trip- ( Look me up, I'm MrsK )

Anyway, after many tears we finally arrived at our destination. The following day, we picked up the keys to my new place and set out to make sure it wasn't a piece of crap. It wasn't.

But then we didn't know what to do. So we got out our iPads...

and then later remembered we were in Paradise and sat outside...

Ooo, Ooo, Ooo! We also had our first alligator spotting! Paige is the one who originally alerted me to it. It was quite scary until we realized it was just a little garbage or debris floating around. You know me, though. Before I knew if we were going to die or not, I ran to my camera because if it was in fact an alligator, I couldn't possibly miss the picture for all of my readers. I'm here for you!

Anyway, it's nice here. I'm sure we'll enjoy it. I have been pretty stressed trying to manage all this without J. My sister helped tremendously and I almost cried when she told me her flight was leaving on Tuesday because I thought she wasn't leaving until today. I'm forever indebted to her, though. There's no way I could have done this move without her. You should have seen the ridiculousness that was moving day. Shortly before the movers showed up, there was a fiasco with the electric company. One that was likely to cost me $500+ if it wasn't remedied quickly. Did I mention they were going to cut off the power, too? Anyway, after talking with a super helpful guy, I was able to keep power and avoid a ridiculous fee thanks to my days spent paying the electric bill month after month in Cookeville, TN. Glad I did that! 

The movers arrived and Cray K was so excited! It was interesting trying to mark off all 191 boxes/furniture all while chasing him down so that he wouldn't go out of any of the open three doors in our new home. It was a moving day miracle that he went down for a nap while so much commotion went on. Two days later and I'm still unpacking, but I'm getting there. It's starting to look more like a home.

I sure hope Captain J appreciates this. He's still off training in Ohio, but he will rejoin the fam sometime this weekend. We can't wait! He sure is missed.

Over and out,