Nothing Is Impossible

I woke up Monday morning feeling motivated. I had recently cracked open a fortune cookie that read, "Happiness is activity." With that in mind, I set out to enjoy my day by being productive. I wanted to have the house in order, the kids taken care of, and the majority of my school work done for the week. You know what? I did it. All of those things were accomplished and then some. I know how--it's because I didn't read a single blog yesterday. You people are time consuming.

Anyway, I was having a really great day and then BAM.

I wasn't.

I tried uploading my homework, participating in required discussion forums, and taking quizzes but none of these things would work for me. It turns out that there's a weird kink with the university's blackboard system that won't work if you're using a Mac and Comcast (Xfinity) Internet together. I was bummed. Actually, bummed is not the word. I was pissed. I mean, if you're going to take thousands of dollars out of my wallet, you should probably let me know if there's a stipulation to attending school online. News flash- A lot of people have Macs...and a lot of people use Comcast. I was so angry, still am really but I'm trying to deal with it.

I don't know what's wrong with me, but I'm just so emotional about everything lately. I'm attributing it to my hormones still being out of whack after having Baby A, but I really don't like who I am right now. After spending half the day trying to figure out the problem with my class, I wanted to give up. That tight, awful feeling started gripping my chest and I felt like I was going to have an anxiety attack. It wasn't just the initial WHY DOES EVERYTHING ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME? It was more along the lines of WHO DO I THINK I AM? I CAN'T DO THIS. I JUST NEED TO ACCEPT THAT AND MOVE ON. Honestly, I tried to get a hold of an advisor so I could drop the class and get my money back. I called after-hours, though or I would have quit again. I was that stressed.

I find myself wishing I knew what God wanted me to do. I really don't know if this is the route I'm supposed to take. I just feel like I should take some route instead of standing idle. I don't know if I want to listen to other people discuss their marital issues with me, though. I've got my own family who needs my attention, ya know? Still, I hate to start something I didn't finish and that's the only reason I want to continue on this journey I started years ago.

It's going to be hard enough going to school with two small children at home with me. The last thing I need is to not be able to work from our computers. It is so frustrating. That's where I'm at right now. I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to proceed from here. I'm told Comcast can replace the device I have with one that will work, but I'm not holding my breath. I went to bed angry about all of this. I woke up angry, too.

I got out my devotional this morning and flipped open to find the perfect words for me to hear today. They were so good, I began writing them in my prayer journal:

Just the thinking WHY DOES EVERYTHING ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME is shameful. I hate when that thought floats across my brain. Because, really Mrs. K?

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

Clearly, I'm so very blessed. I want to cry at just the thought of questioning this life of ours. Life is so so good. I have every reason to be happy. My boys are happy and healthy and that's my most important job in this life of mine. I don't need anything else.

It is my prayer that I recognize this every single day.

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us."

Ephesians 3:20