Let's talk budgeting-

I've spent the majority of this pregnancy depressed if I'm being totally honest. So when my oldest son picked up a piece of mail, "read" my name on the envelope, and opened it and exclaimed, "Oh no. Another one" that was my breaking point for this week. As much as I try not to let my sadness and stress influence him, I know that it does. He's watching everything I do and listening to everything I say. I know it's not just him, too. Abel knows I'm sad...even Merit probably feels it. That just adds to my guilt.

I don't know if it's the influx of hormones or what, but I have felt mostly unhappy during the past year. We've had a lot thrown our way- many of these happenings are blessings, I know they are, but still it feels incredibly overwhelming at times. Right now, I'm wishing we never bought this house even though I love it. It just feels like a large money pit. There were so many projects we wanted to do to it and I wanted to decorate it, finally, because it was a place we were staying at longer than a year. It was going to be home. But with Abel's recent medical bills and mine with this pregnancy, it doesn't feel like we should be here. The house feels too big. It's a pendulum above my head.

I know that money doesn't matter. It's not ours anyway...it's God's. I get nervous, though and when that bill came today and Kinley pretended to be worried, too that just made me feel about two feet tall. When you're wearing your rose colored glasses and purchasing your first home, you don't think that something might come up that costs a lot of money. You don't think your child might need cochlear implants. You definitely don't consider that your insurance won't pay for it. I've been on the phone off and on all week with doctors and our insurance company, trying to figure out what's going on. It has been a mess. The insurance company is telling me one thing and Vanderbilt another. I'm trusting in God that this is going to work out in some way in His time.

Until then, this family needs a plan. 

What are some ways you save money? Cut out cable, cell, etc bills? Clip coupons? Budgeting tricks? What's the single most helpful way you've found to watch your spending?

Stuff AND Things

Here are some random thoughts and happenings that have been bouncing around my brain lately:

*I really, really think Baby A can hear at least a little. The last audiologist said that to the best of her knowledge using the OEA that she was seeing "moderate hearing loss" but that we would need to do the ABR for more information. I suppose I could be in denial. Perhaps this is just another thing moms hope for when they find out this sort of news, but today I pressed my lips right up to his right ear and talked rather loudly. He stopped, focused, and when I was done he gave me the biggest grin...like hearing my voice isn't something he frequently hears, but he looked happy. I don't know. Maybe I'm nuts.

*My little toddler is speaking in sentences now. He's hilarious. Anytime I'm praying during the day, he whispers, "Money, wake up!" He also will repeat "Money?" over and over, trying to get my attention. If I don't answer, he switches to "Kacy, Kacy, Kacy?". Ha! This kid. I love him.

*I've been meaning to show you the boys' bathroom reveal. You remember that we were re-doing it, right? I'd go take a picture but I wouldn't dare risk waking my sleeping monsters beauties so this photo will have to explain it all:

Yeah, that's right. It's still not done. I tell my husband "I told you so" like every other day. I finally capitulated this week and scrubbed it clean and packed away all the tools in there. I give up. Good thing he can cook.

*I have ten more days of freedom and then my graduate studies resume. Oy vey.

*I decided to add something for Lent this year. Today marked the beginning of my blessings count in my spiritual journal. I plan on being more aware and noticing the little things in my life that make me happy. I'm thankful for a lot more when I write them down and can see all the little ways that God has blessed me.

*With the busyness and stress of Baby A's diagnosis (or lack thereof), I forgot to tell you that J's job is secure. He made it through the massive downsizing and we're pretty pumped to still have a job and steady income. Thank you, Jesus.

Did you have a good week?

Testify

I mentioned some of the struggles that have been filling our house lately, but those are really all small potatoes. Everyone, I've come to find out, struggles with parenthood at some point in their journeys. I'm no different, but I do know there are good days and bad and that I'm going to be okay. 

Parenting woes are not the only stress factor, though. Weeks ago, my former Army Captain linked in to a conference call from his company to hear that they are downsizing. Big time. He is one of the newest employees. We just bought a big ole house. You know where our minds automatically went. But in addition to the worries that crossed our mind was this unexplainable sense of peace. Faith.

I'm not one to not flip out over the smallest issue that feels huge to me. For example, I once thought someone stole our dog because I heard a car take off and simultaneously couldn't find the dog so I jumped to conclusions and shouted to J, "Aren't you gonna dooooo something?" I wanted him to hop in the car and run after the culprits. Instead, he quietly pieced together the situation and Drifter came home wagging his tail a bit later. He was calm. I was a basket case. That is what's typical.

This time, though, there was a comfort that said, "I have plans to prosper you and not to harm you" (Jeremiah 29:11). We spent the next few days talking about it realistically. We would lose our insurance. I'm pregnant. What would we do? Put the house on the market? Dip into more savings to try to make the mortgage while job searching? Sell the house for way less than we bought it for to save our credit? But all these lingering questions didn't matter much. You might call it irresponsible, but I honestly think this feeling is a direct result of knowing the Prince of Peace. He's guiding us. He knows what's best for our family. He brought us to Tennessee for a reason and we are following his will as best we can.

On Sunday, the pastor mentioned Hebrews 11:6

"And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him."

And that was it for me. It's all going to be just fine. If he keeps his job, if he loses it- It's all part of the plan and we're going to be okay.

And you know what's more than okay with me? Today is a snow day...finally. I think this is the first time I've seen any substantial amount of snow since we left Alaska. For some reason, our little neck of the woods here hasn't seen hardly any and none of it stuck around. It's still snowing and the roads are covered and this gal is HAPPY! K and I are hoping for a couple inches so we can go play in it while Baby A naps this afternoon.

No worries here.

Love,

Guard Your Heart

I try to make it a point to read scripture to our kids in whatever capacity I can. Sometimes it's a few words from a toddler bible with stories broken down into the simplest form. Other times, the boys are listening in as J and I do our morning bible study. I just want them to hear and see us trying to learn more because I'm hoping something like that will stick in their brains that Mama and Daddy want God's will in their lives...because honestly, I don't know that I'm ever much of a good example to that in my actions. I'm frustrated daily as I'm supposed to be serving my husband and kids, but all I can think about is how exhausted my body and mind is from this pregnancy and all the other roles I'm trying to carry. So today when K brought my prayer journal over and enthusiastically said, "Read it", I flipped to a page and wearily started to talk. But what we opened it up to was a beautiful reminder for both of us and I thought, "It's never too early to teach this."

In Proverbs 4:23 it says:

"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."

The condition of our hearts is of utmost importance because it's constantly affecting those around us. The term wellspring suggests that the heart is a water source of life that is continually flowing out and reaching other people. If I am affecting these sweet boys with the words I say, my attitude, et cetera then I had better guard my heart, watching carefully that it is filled with good and holy things. They are soaking up everything right now. Everything. And that is a little terrifying to me. I want them to be better than I find myself being.

I want to work on keeping my heart with all vigilance...and somehow relay that to my kids, as well.

Seriously, where's this kids' handbook? I need one because this mothering business is hard work. Anyway, in keeping with trying to avoid polluting my heart with negative influences, I wanted to share with you this video I watched today that made me happy. God is faithful. Enjoy.

Uncomfortable Grace

I'm pretty sure we lost the house. It sucks, it does, but that's not what I want to talk about today. My initial reaction is, of course, to feel a little sad and disappointed. When I got the news via text earlier today, I got out my iPhone to listen to a sermon. I needed something else to think about. I needed my quiet time with God. What I heard was an invaluable lesson and it is the sole reason I haven't completely flipped my lid in this new development.

Dr. Paul Tripp started out by saying that faith isn't natural to us. It is fear or worry we typically turn toward when times get rough. He gave the example found in the book of Matthew when Jesus sent his disciples ahead of him on a boat so they could cross the sea of Galilee. In the night, the disciples encountered a fierce storm. If the wheels are churning in your mind now you might know where I'm headed with this. Sometimes God puts us in less than desirable situations in order to produce in us a true faith in Him that we could never arrive at on our own. Dr. Tripp called this "uncomfortable grace." The potential loss of this house does not signify that my Heavenly father has forgotten me; He hasn't forsaken my family. On the contrary, we're being loved through this. He's developing me, moving in me. I truly don't want this house if it's not where God wants us. I do have faith that God is in control and He works for the good of those (me!) who love Him. This situation isn't ideal. It's uncomfortable. But God is working here.

Jesus could have calmed the waters without the big to-do of walking out to the boat. Instead, he walked on water, looping around so that all the disciples could see Him. They saw Him but did not recognize Jesus. The disciples believed it was a ghost and were very frightened. Jesus says, "Take heart- it is I. Do not be afraid." That storm was crucial for the disciples to see the glory of God. How many times would it take? They had heard Jesus speak and witnessed miracles at his hands. But there's a big difference between being amazed by God and truly walking in faith with Him.

I'm amazed by God a lot. When I walk in the woods, I see the beauty He threw together so perfectly. When I look in the smiling faces of my children, I'm amazed that He has chosen me to be their mama. I'm amazed by how much he loves me despite how despicable I can be. Have I trusted wholly in Him over the last few months? No, I haven't. I've questioned timing. I've questioned purpose. 

Maybe my storm today is devoloping my faith. Although it might feel like it sometimes, I'm not alone in this-

 the Great I AM is here with me. I shouldn't be afraid. I'm not. Not really. It'll work out, right? ;)

I'll keep you posted.

(Go download Mars Hill app. It's free and full of lots of sermons you can listen to on the go!)

Cheers!

Good morning, friends. Happy Friday to you all. I'm happy today is here. The Cap'n was gone on business this week so this mama is a wee bit tired and is looking forward to seeing him today. Anyway, consider this your typical random Friday post. These are some things that have been on my mind:

1. First off, shall we have a cup of tea in honor of the royal babe?

The reveal was quite sweet. I didn't catch it, of course, because I have things like five mountains of laundry to do, but luckily I found a picture of it online-

 (It's true. I didn't swoon over the wedding...and I didn't stare at the hospital doors via the news for hours on end. I guess I didn't get that gene that cares much about famous people.)

2. This!

We've been praying for some opportunities around here lately and I'm feeling God's presence in our lives more than ever.

3. A lady came to our house the other day, claiming to be with the Census and now I'm convinced she's a scammer. It's a long story, but the gist of it was that she didn't offer any official id/proof and she came with dog treats probably because of our sign warning of our vicious dog that is on the door. I'm leaving a ton out but I'm tired of talking about it. Anyway, I slept with a shotgun last night (I do not recommend this)...kidding, it was by the bed, though. Our house is plenty protected-

but it was just this thing that took up most of my morning. I've got things to do, y'all. I don't have time to deal with people trying to steal my identity or rob me or worse.

By this time, I should have had a lot more accomplished but here I am- blogging and having tea with all of you and cheers-ing the royal baby. Interesting.

How's your day thus far?

Better With Age

This morning I wrote a long post about something I feel so strongly about but I couldn't post it. It centered around my poor body image and how I've felt recently that all the progress I've made in changing my body for the past seven months has all been for naught. Instead of dwelling on those issues, I aimed to make a mental list of the things I am proud of instead.

When I look at this photo, I see a man who loves me unconditionally. I see my best friend who thinks I get better with age. I see the guy who loved me even when the extra pounds were lingering. Those qualities are good qualities. I wish I could set my mind on the verse I found today that says:

"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles or the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." 1 Peter 3:3-4 NIV

I want to focus my heart on the things that matter. I don't want to constantly pick apart what I don't like about myself.

On my journey to becoming more fit and in-shape, I know there will be blips along the way. I'm smack dab in the middle of one right now. I'm struggling- mind and body. But then I see the picture I posted above and am reminded that I didn't use photoshop to feel good about myself. Sure, perhaps this is just a flattering angle. Lord knows there were other photos from that day that made me want to throw away all the bathing suits I have and never buy another. This photo isn't just a trick of the camera, though. There's progress there. I have to see that. I also have to see this man in front of me, my husband, who thinks I'm great inside and out.

The Thief of Joy

I wasn't going to write today, but I keep sitting down at the computer- staring. I feel compelled to write about nothing really. I just need the release. It hasn't been the greatest of weeks. I'm struggling with something-

Source: favoredgrace.tumblr.com via Mrs. on Pinterest

In the Internet Age, it's hard not to compare. Facebook and blogging make it so easy! The last few days have been rough on my mama heart. I want so badly to give these two boys the best life I can, but nothing ever seems to play out the way I think it will. For example, why is it when we make the effort to pack up the car, diaper bag, and put little shoes on all the little feet and pitter patter off to the park or some other fun activity, we are re-payed by a whiny-absolutely-bananas toddler? I know toddlers can't reason Oh, Mama made an effort to get me out of the house. I should be pleasant and enjoy it the whole time. But still. It's so frustrating that simple errands or activities done for "fun" are so often the breaking point of my day. I can't be the only one.

But I look around and everyone seems to be carrying on as if their toddler doesn't try to grab their poop every time they change their diaper. They act as if their child doesn't whine at every simple command. It seems like my child is the only one who hits our family dog when he gets mad. 

It doesn't stop there. Yesterday I was perusing IG and I saw another four month old standing on his own by simply holding on to an ottoman. The mother told me he has been doing that for awhile. Of course, then I started worrying that I don't work enough with Baby A. He can barely put any pressure on his legs before he buckles in. He doesn't roll over consistently. He hates being unswaddled while he sleeps.  His feet turn in from the way he was positioned in the womb and the doctor mentioned that could be a problem. All these worries. All these fears. I don't want to fail these boys.

To make matters worse, I took K to the dermatologist yesterday for a bump he has had on his cheek since he was about five months old. You may have noticed it, you might not have. It looks a lot like a pimple. I used to think it was so I often edited it out of photos until I was looking through pictures on my iphone and realized just how long it has been there. A year later, here we are. I was given a cream to try for a month, but the doctor doesn't think that will work. She referred us to a plastic surgeon. She says it's a cyst that will need to be removed. I can't imagine trusting someone to put my baby to sleep. I'm sick just thinking about it.

Almost daily, I think- I'm going to quit blogging. Quit reading blogs. Quit writing. Delete my facebook app on my phone and just not get on anymore because the comparing is stealing my joy. It's making me worry more.

The truth is- I have a happy life full of interesting quirks and kinks that sometimes cause me to have bad days. I will continue to praise God for the sweet moments and look to Him through the scary ones, too. I don't necessarily think a break from social media is what I need- perhaps just a change of heart.

Source: unlockingthebible.org via Mrs. on Pinterest

Nothing Is Impossible

I woke up Monday morning feeling motivated. I had recently cracked open a fortune cookie that read, "Happiness is activity." With that in mind, I set out to enjoy my day by being productive. I wanted to have the house in order, the kids taken care of, and the majority of my school work done for the week. You know what? I did it. All of those things were accomplished and then some. I know how--it's because I didn't read a single blog yesterday. You people are time consuming.

Anyway, I was having a really great day and then BAM.

I wasn't.

I tried uploading my homework, participating in required discussion forums, and taking quizzes but none of these things would work for me. It turns out that there's a weird kink with the university's blackboard system that won't work if you're using a Mac and Comcast (Xfinity) Internet together. I was bummed. Actually, bummed is not the word. I was pissed. I mean, if you're going to take thousands of dollars out of my wallet, you should probably let me know if there's a stipulation to attending school online. News flash- A lot of people have Macs...and a lot of people use Comcast. I was so angry, still am really but I'm trying to deal with it.

I don't know what's wrong with me, but I'm just so emotional about everything lately. I'm attributing it to my hormones still being out of whack after having Baby A, but I really don't like who I am right now. After spending half the day trying to figure out the problem with my class, I wanted to give up. That tight, awful feeling started gripping my chest and I felt like I was going to have an anxiety attack. It wasn't just the initial WHY DOES EVERYTHING ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME? It was more along the lines of WHO DO I THINK I AM? I CAN'T DO THIS. I JUST NEED TO ACCEPT THAT AND MOVE ON. Honestly, I tried to get a hold of an advisor so I could drop the class and get my money back. I called after-hours, though or I would have quit again. I was that stressed.

I find myself wishing I knew what God wanted me to do. I really don't know if this is the route I'm supposed to take. I just feel like I should take some route instead of standing idle. I don't know if I want to listen to other people discuss their marital issues with me, though. I've got my own family who needs my attention, ya know? Still, I hate to start something I didn't finish and that's the only reason I want to continue on this journey I started years ago.

It's going to be hard enough going to school with two small children at home with me. The last thing I need is to not be able to work from our computers. It is so frustrating. That's where I'm at right now. I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to proceed from here. I'm told Comcast can replace the device I have with one that will work, but I'm not holding my breath. I went to bed angry about all of this. I woke up angry, too.

I got out my devotional this morning and flipped open to find the perfect words for me to hear today. They were so good, I began writing them in my prayer journal:

Just the thinking WHY DOES EVERYTHING ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME is shameful. I hate when that thought floats across my brain. Because, really Mrs. K?

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

Clearly, I'm so very blessed. I want to cry at just the thought of questioning this life of ours. Life is so so good. I have every reason to be happy. My boys are happy and healthy and that's my most important job in this life of mine. I don't need anything else.

It is my prayer that I recognize this every single day.

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us."

Ephesians 3:20

You Are Amazing

All powerful, untamable

Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim

You are amazing, God

You are amazing, God.

I've got less than ten days left here in Tennessee. It's bittersweet, y'all. On one hand, I'm ready to be settled in with our little family of four, surrounded by old comforts like a nursery that is set up, a closet instead of a suitcase, and a place to call home. But the other hand is weighed down and heavy with all the reasons we should stay. Our families are here and it just feels wrong to drive away again.

I'll surely miss the sunrises and sunsets here. They always seem to come at the perfect time. In the mornings I'm frustrated, wanting desperately to still be cozy in the covers yet I'm awake with the youngest so he can eat. I sit down on the couch that faces the large glass panes at the back of the house and struggle to keep my eyes open. Then it happens. Like magic, the sky is a lovely pink and the pretty blue fog of the morning slowly spreads out and up. I look down at my beautiful son as I nourish him and wonder how anyone can think all this is just a fluke.

God is so real to me.

Then the day comes and some place between changing diapers and soothing little cries, I forget what I saw that very morning. There's so much to do and I keep chasing babies until there's no time left. My head is cluttered with lists of chores waiting to be done. Then the sun drops down and begins its descent and I have to stop, grab my eldest boy, and bundle up to go outside and just stand in awe. In that moment, little else matters. It's just me and K, enjoying the beauty God created around us. For once, he doesn't wiggle to get out of my arms. He snuggles closer to me and stares out at the bright yellow sky. Again, I'm reminded of the many blessings that I've been given.

God is so amazing...

and I know He has good things in store for my family this year.

Maternity Photo Shoot

A local photographer asked me to help build up her portfolio by taking some maternity and newborn shots. I was thrilled! Well, initially I wasn't THAT excited about photos of myself as I feel like a big fat cow....

but after promising we wouldn't do any bare belly shots or anything like that, she talked me into posing for her and I'm so glad I did. It was really fun! I got a break from Cray K and some much needed girl time in. It was so nice to have someone new to chat with. I am pleased with the photos she captured, too. Here's a little preview-

If you're in the area, be sure to look up Jaclyn Culver Photography on Facebook.

Anyway, I don't have a lot to say today, but you can find me here if you'd like-

I'm off to enjoy one of my last days as a family of three. Captain J is off work so I'm happy to have this time with him...if he would just quit tickling me!

We'll chat soon.
XOXO,

Great Delight

Top o the mornin' to ya! By 8 o'clock I had the kitchen clean and muffins baking. It's going to be a good day!

Need some morning inspiration? I read this and felt a bit happier:

"The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing." -Zephaniah 3:17

I especially love the part that says He will take great delight in me. Sometimes I tend to forget that God is happy when I'm doing the things I love to do and using my spiritual gifts. It was a sweet reminder this lovely Wednesday morning.

Yesterday was nice.

I got out of the house sans husband and child. No offense, family...but it was glorious... UNTIL My Weekly Insult reared her ugly head. You already know what I'm going to say, don't you?

Let me set the scene:

I just escaped the walls of my house to get into my brand spankin' new under-two-hundred-miles-on-her Jeep to go get my hair cut for the first time in a long time. Looks much better, eh? Anyway, I decided to go to a new hairdresser. If you've been following along long enough, you know my struggle with finding an acceptable one here and every other stinkin' duty station we've been stationed. Just when I find a good one, it's time to move!

I sit down and this lady seems nice enough. But then it happens- the due date conversation.

When I tell her what my projected due date is (Dec. 7) she says, "That can't be right! You're SO BIG!" 

"There goes your tip", I silently say to myself and put on my best southern charmed smile just like my Mama taught me.

The lady continues to talk about my upcoming delivery and when she does, she refers to "the babies" - as in PLURAL, MORE THAN ONE BABY. I correct her only once that I know it must be baffling, but I am not, in fact, pregnant with twins. I suppose that was just too much for her to believe as she continued to talk about the nonexistent twins for the remainder of the appointment.

I know I'm short and I waddle a lot, but I think I look alright for someone who recently had a baby and will soon have another. Cut me some slack, people of Louisiana! That or just don't mention to me how incredibly huge and gross you find me. I'd be just fine if you kept that to yourself. That would be great. Thanks.

(I'm linking up with these lovely ladies today. If you're new (or old!), thanks for stopping by. Pleasure to meet ya!)

If You Could Step Into My Head

I know if I write today, it will be too personal. Yet here I am, typing, looking for something to fill my time besides cleaning up toys and washing dishes. I feel uninspired. Minutes ago, I opened the notes I've collected for the personal memoir I'm writing. I don't know if it's something anyone else will ever read, but I want it for myself. I want to finish for my family. Wouldn't it be neat for my boys to have the story of how their parents met to read when I'm long gone? It's just this passion of mine that has taken a backseat to life.

As I said, I opened the book notes to write a little more but it didn't take long for Baby K to crawl over to me, pull himself up, and begin gnawing on my leg. I don't know how anyone works from home with children. Kudos to you. I've tried. I try to write, but I only manage the words on this blog. It's because I can just hit publish and it doesn't matter if I end my sentences in prepositions because this space is just my voice.

I search for acceptance and a feeling of productivity in other ways, too. It's no secret that I struggle with  that nagging feeling that I don't contribute enough to my family. It's amazing what a paycheck- a visual example of work well done- will do for my mood. But how do I force myself to recognize value in saving money? In taking care of the household? In raising my young son?

I enjoy cloth diapering because I know how much money it saves us every month. Recently, I started making cloth diapers in order to save even more money, but even as I accomplish these tasks it doesn't feel like enough. When I clean the kitchen for the zillionth time, it's only a chore. I don't strap on an apron and a smile and think about how I'm taking care of my growing family.

What does it take to make these things feel more important to my life?

I love that I get to stay at home with my boy. I can't imagine leaving him with someone else, only to get him back in time for bed. It would break my heart. Still, I want to do both. I want to make money with an actual job. I want to write and sell my articles again. I want to type with one hand and sew diapers with the other. I want to be supermom and I'm not her. 

I'm not her at all.

I'm stuck in this house. I'm stuck in this state. I'm stuck in limbo- wanting so desperately to cherish every single moment with Baby K, but also wishing my time away when we're in a different state and out of the Army lifestyle. Today, a wise woman of God posted on my facebook that this was just a season of my life.

And seasons are temporary.

Praise be to God.

Yesterday, PWOC (Protestant Women of the Chapel) started back for our fall semester. I was torn between which class I wanted to take. There are so many that interested me. After writing this, I realized that God has placed me exactly where he wants me. I chose a class called The Resolution for Women. It's supposed to inspire women to resolve to become "purposefully feminine, surprisingly satisfied, and faithfully His."

God is so awesome. His plan is always so much better than my own and I trust Him. Now, that's a good feeling.

Advice For Life

I told you all about reading The Traveler's Gift and how I was enjoying it, but I didn't tell you that it held the possibility of changing my life. Perhaps I should say that it has the potential to alter my attitude, my ways of thinking, and my life if I choose to let it. No promises, y'all. It's only week two. But honestly? I was on fire after reading it. It's not like it holds all these secrets to successful living that no one has ever thought of before. Instead, it's more of a reminder- a pep talk of sorts. If you're looking for a quick read, pick up this book. It ties an interesting fictional plot into a surprisingly applicable advice for life list. I thought I'd share the "decisions" the main character faces with you:

You can find more detailed information about each of these here.

But because this is my blog, I'm going to shed a little light on my struggles with each and what this list means to me.

1. The buck stops here is all about accepting responsibility. My exact position in life right now as a stay-at-home wife and mother of {almost} two is my decision. My unfinished Master's degree is because of my doing or lack thereof. My own decisions have brought me to this place as much as I sometimes place blame or responsibility on the Army, my husband, or the busyness that mothers of infants and toddlers experience. If you've been reading awhile, you know I've got all the excuses in the world, but that has to stop. The things I have or have not done in my life are my own doing! Realizing this was oddly motivating to me.

2. I will seek wisdom talks about surrounding ourselves with people who create positive changes in us. As a blogger who is immersed in social media throughout the day, I find this one difficult. I can't tell you how many "baby mama drama" updates I see on facebook on a daily basis. There are countless status updates calling people out or whatever other small thought that floats through their minds. I spend a lot of time reading these. I know this isn't wisdom by any stretch of the imagination. Seeking wisdom, to me, means connecting with people who share my values, getting to know them personally, and not shying away from deeper, meaningful relationships. It means diving into God's word, committing verses to heart, and practicing trust in God. I will seek wisdom!

3. I am a person of action. This one stands alone. It might have been the most powerful decision of them all for me. You don't like how your life is going? Do something about it. Not satisfied with your job? Look for another. Send out resumes. Apply. Search. Network. Change your life. Being a person of action to me meant sending in a manuscript for a children's book I wrote awhile ago. After finishing The Traveler's Gift, I decided I was going to take action. I want to be a writer, but in order to do that I kinda had to show someone my work. Who'da thunk it? I can't tell you how good it felt to send in a finished work. I hadn't done that in so long (and never a book!) and I felt inspired after hitting "send" instead of feeling discouraged that my chances of getting a break are super low.

4. I have a decided heart is a decision that involves accepting each day as an opportunity for growth and change. It's about envisioning your own future and taking steps in the right direction toward your end goal. This one is hard for me, too. I don't like to think about the future much. I always hated those questions like, "Where do you see yourself in ten years?" Who knows what life will bring my way? I don't want to imagine what it could be like because I've learned over the years that God's plan for me is a lot more rad than anything I could conjure up. I just never would have believed at twenty six years old that I would be married with kids and not working outside of the home. I really didn't see this coming, but these roles have made me so incredibly happy.

5. Today, I will choose to be happy. I think this one stands alone. My mom has been telling me the importance of this for years!

6. I will greet this day with a forgiving spirit. Hands down- hardest one for me. I'm admittedly terrible at forgiving others and even myself. I need to work on this one the most. Could a girl get a class? I don't even know where to start sometimes.

7. I will persist without exception. It means that I am to have my eye on the prize and not let anyone or anything get in the way of what I want (what God wants) for my life. It's the whole idea of- "if at first you don't succeed, try, try again." Right now, I believe God has called me to be a good mother- to teach, guide, and love. Even on trying days, I want to be showing love to my family. I want my children to look back on their childhoods and remember their mother who thought they hung the moon. I want them to remember my good example and forgive me when I fail them. My eye is definitely on the prize; I know raising these children will be the most important thing I ever do.

If you've made it this far, good for you and I hope you've gotten to know me a little better. I just wanted to type this all out as therapy and encouragement for myself. Maybe some of these decisions will bring positive change to your life, too.

Is this post too deep or long for you? Fret not. I'm sure I'll be back with something a little more lighthearted tomorrow! See ya then!

Valleys

How many times have I poured my heart out on this blog? I've been writing publicly since 2009 and when I look back, I see that my posts were so much more personal years ago. I don't know if it's the surge of negative comments and emails I tend to receive when I write about something that matters to me that keeps me from sharing like I used to. In my heart, I feel as if it's more of my own problem as a writer. Despite a loving husband, beautiful child and another on the way, I'm totally uninspired. My spiritual life is lacking. I look at my surroundings and I don't feel a connection to nature anymore. I barely feel unique as everything is slipping away, out of my grasp. My friends, my hobbies, my educational goals, my professional goals- everything is far away.

When I married into the Army I knew it was for better or worse. I put my Master's degree on hold happily as I followed Captain J to Alaska. I needed a little adventure afterall. I had been in school since I was 6 years old. School could wait and love could not.

I begrudgingly said goodbye to my friends knowing we would stay in touch and if we didn't well we weren't that good of friends to begin with. I'm happy to report that those I considered close to me are still there despite seeing me a mere few days out of the year. We still chat occasionally but I know they're just a phone call away if I need them and I hope they know that from my end, too. Still, I mourn them. There's just something about having your best friend around to cry on especially when you know you have no business crying in the first place. There's no judgement. I've been pregnant for two years or close enough and these hormones are no joke. Sometimes I wish I could just have one of them walk through the door so I could have five minutes of feeling like myself again.

Where am I in all of this? I've had pessimistic tendencies in the past, but I just cannot drag myself out of this valley. I never thought I needed any one thing or person to make me happy as long as I had my family and my faith, but now I'm not so sure. Living in this place has reminded me that I experience God the most when I'm in the mountains. Even when I visit beaches, I like to look out at the enormity of it and praise God for His awesomeness. I feel closer to God when I can go out and hike His creation, away from the world as we know it now. But when I went to the beach last week, I just saw people. Busyness. Paradise was paved and stacked up with rides, shopping areas, and clutter. To be in such a beautiful place, it was difficult to appreciate it because I knew what I was going back to- Ft. Polk, LA- the land of tattoo shops, strip joints, and bars. It's depressing. Another blogger wrote about this the other day and I think there's some merit in what she was saying. I think there's a sort of "regional depression" that is settling over our household because I'm letting it. I'm well aware that I choose how to react to my situation, but I also know that not enjoying this location is huge influence, too. And just thinking what all we have to do before we leave here next year is entirely overwhelming. Not only will we be packing up, job searching, and looking for a new home, we will also be smack dab in the newborn stage with the baby on the way. Two babies under two. Christmas. Moving. Stress. Hormones. I feel ill-equipped to handle it all.

God is my provider, though and He has never let me down. I know it will all work out as it should. But this time of transition for me is harder than I thought it might be. In a short period of time, I've changed into this mother- a mother to two- instead of a newlywed graduate student who still wants to make a difference by contributing to people by helping, to her family by earning money, and to her worth by showing she is good at something other than managing a home. I don't feel as if I'm contributing to our family because most days my goal is to make it to nap time or make it to bedtime.

I must remind myself that my son is thriving and we're making precious memories together right now. It's not just my life anymore. And I'll do anything for my children.

But I look forward to some balance. Eventually I'd like to incorportate some of my hobbies back into my life. Scrapbooking. Writing. Tennis. Being active. Anything that will make this sad little woman into the happy woman of God that I know is hiding inside. I know life is full of peaks and valleys and soon I'll have a higher elevation to write from. Until then, thanks for listening (hopefully without judgement).

When The Rain Comes

I don't know why I don't remember the rain.

Alaska is gorgeous 98.9999% of the time, not the weather per se, but the views. Waking up to God's awesome creation every day was a spiritual experience for me. To be able to take the dogs on a walk and see mountains peaks in the distance was a daily blessing.

I recently read a blog from a girl stationed in Fairbanks who complained that it rained all day in the summer and the sun shone at night and she found it some cruel joke...Yes! Yes, it DID rain a lot. Why don't I remember that when I think back on our time there?

The dogs would track mud in constantly.

Cabin fever was ever-present when the rain hit.

I didn't have a car and my only reprieve from two crazy Alaskan huskies was to leash them up and have them drag me across the slick rocks around our house while I felt icy rain hit my face.

After the rain, it usually meant the Northern Lights would not be making an appearance that night.

There was little to look forward to.

It got old- quick.

Not remembering the rain is odd to me. Why do Captain J and I hold our time in Alaska on some pedestal as if it were Heaven on Earth? Perhaps it was because it was just us- our first year of marriage apart from everyone and everything. We had an extended honeymoon that year complete with mountain hiking, starlight camping, halibut fishing, trips to "the big city", and road trips all over the Last Frontier.

All this got me thinking of the figurative rain I sometimes feel in my own life. Some days I'm drenched in moisture from the storms of that day. Baby K was teething. I was sick. J was gone. I felt alone. Miles away from anyone that could help. It certainly feels like a long week of rain has struck me from time to time.

But I wonder how quickly I'll forget all about this rain? I'm sure I'll yearn for the days when Baby K would still crawl into my arms and let me hold him and stroke every last hair on his head. I'll want his infectious baby laugh drifting through our house and soaking into every fiber of my being. I'll think back to those early weeks with him and remember all the dreams I have for my sweet first born.

I'm positive the rain will all be washed away and our time in Louisiana will be full of sun beams warming me.

The time to enjoy life is now. It's just so short and should be treasured in the sunshine as well as the rain.

"Be joyful always; Pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." - 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Church Talk: To Go or Not To Go?

Every Sunday that Captain J isn't here, a gnawing guilt is ever present. I look back to the churches we attended together in Alaska and Georgia and I remember waking up, wanting to go. I looked forward to worship and to the message that I would hear. I almost always took something away from it and it was good to be in the house of the Lord!

As of late, I rarely feel inspired to go here. If J isn't with me, it just sounds like too much of a hassle to get Baby K ready and out the door, just to drop him off in the nursery, sit alone on a pew, awkwardly shake hands with the congregation when the visiting time comes, and have the pastor introduce himself to me as I walk out the door after the message (We've been over to his house! He has been to ours.). He rarely knows who I am if J is not by my side and, well, I'm an army wife. J isn't by my side pretty often. It's embarrassing to have to introduce myself over and over.

And so I don't go.

It's awful, I know. I just don't get much from the service. The people there are so SO nice, though and that's what keeps us going back. I know it's not the best reason to attend a church. We do have some friends there, but on top of that- the people were so incredibly welcoming when we got to town. After visiting the church once, people were bringing over food and baby gifts when we welcomed K into the world last August. This is what makes us want to get more involved and keep trying to enjoy the service there. They try to include us in events and we're thankful for that yet we have little in common with the people there because of an age difference. Normally, that wouldn't matter for us- we're old souls! But it does present a problem when the younger crowd meets up for dinner (age 40 and up!) and their kids are all grown or in high school and can fend for themselves. Meanwhile, K is squirmy, cranky, and ready for bed. We just don't fit in all too well. Captain J is fine with that, but I'm not.

I want to go to church and focus on what I came to do: learn more about my God and Savior and worship Him. I want to get a cup of coffee, close my eyes, and feel God's presence washing over me. I want to feel comfortable going to the altar to pray if I feel lead. I want to feel at home.

And I don't feel at home there. I don't feel at home here in Louisiana. And it's seeping into everything I do.

Miscellany Monday

Why, hello Monday. You're lookin' a lot like Saturday and Sunday to me. It's another day of laundry and baby- watching that just makes me want to say, "I can't wait to blog about today!" Did you detect any sarcasm? You'll have to excuse me. My husband is working a lot more than usual and so I'm in a funk. I do like havin' him around, ya know?

Anyway, I wanted to link up with Carissa today for a Miscellany Monday post-

Because it's just one of those days where there are several things on my brain. I'm taking the moment to blog this morning because I was basically a rockstar in the house today. The kitchen was clean, the diapers were drying, and I made baby food all before 8am this morning. This is my pat on the back for it. I get that, right?

*Louisiana is in bloom! There are lovely flowers galore, muggy weather, and pollen up to my eyeballs. Sometimes, I can sneak out on the porch before a rain and relax on the hammock under a blanket (if it's not too hot). I love those little moments.

 

*I'm accepting Sponsors for the month of April or you can get a deal for three months in advance. The details of my reach can be found by clicking on the image below. Please message me with any questions. I'd love to have you!

 

*I miss my husband. And really? He's not gone that much. It could be so much worse. I guess I've gotten used to his relaxed hours when there's not a rotation here to train. When he does work it's just that much more annoying when he's not here. Boo! I hope he knows how much he's appreciated here at home. And now all you milspouse people who have husbands deployed right now are welcome to throw virtual rocks and tomatoes if you wish. I know, I shouldn't complain.

*Last week, I went to PWOC on post as I usually do. I'm happy to report- that for the first time EVER- Baby K made it in watchcare the entire time. Every single time he has gone before, they've paged me to come get him because they cannot get him calmed down. When I walked in this time, he was smiling, SMILING! I was shocked and so proud. I think he stayed so long because God needed me to hear what we were talking about in our small study group. We were discussing contentment and if you've followed my blog for any significant amount of time, you know that I struggle with being content not making any money for our family. I sometimes feel that if I'm not actually working then I'm not contributing. Lately, when I look in my son's eyes and see how happy he is, I know that I'm actually doing a lot more than I think. God has placed me in this role right now and I will be content with it! I'm so grateful.

I think that's enough randomness for the day on my part. Anything random you'd like to share? I'm all ears.

XOXO,

Mrs. K