Valleys

How many times have I poured my heart out on this blog? I've been writing publicly since 2009 and when I look back, I see that my posts were so much more personal years ago. I don't know if it's the surge of negative comments and emails I tend to receive when I write about something that matters to me that keeps me from sharing like I used to. In my heart, I feel as if it's more of my own problem as a writer. Despite a loving husband, beautiful child and another on the way, I'm totally uninspired. My spiritual life is lacking. I look at my surroundings and I don't feel a connection to nature anymore. I barely feel unique as everything is slipping away, out of my grasp. My friends, my hobbies, my educational goals, my professional goals- everything is far away.

When I married into the Army I knew it was for better or worse. I put my Master's degree on hold happily as I followed Captain J to Alaska. I needed a little adventure afterall. I had been in school since I was 6 years old. School could wait and love could not.

I begrudgingly said goodbye to my friends knowing we would stay in touch and if we didn't well we weren't that good of friends to begin with. I'm happy to report that those I considered close to me are still there despite seeing me a mere few days out of the year. We still chat occasionally but I know they're just a phone call away if I need them and I hope they know that from my end, too. Still, I mourn them. There's just something about having your best friend around to cry on especially when you know you have no business crying in the first place. There's no judgement. I've been pregnant for two years or close enough and these hormones are no joke. Sometimes I wish I could just have one of them walk through the door so I could have five minutes of feeling like myself again.

Where am I in all of this? I've had pessimistic tendencies in the past, but I just cannot drag myself out of this valley. I never thought I needed any one thing or person to make me happy as long as I had my family and my faith, but now I'm not so sure. Living in this place has reminded me that I experience God the most when I'm in the mountains. Even when I visit beaches, I like to look out at the enormity of it and praise God for His awesomeness. I feel closer to God when I can go out and hike His creation, away from the world as we know it now. But when I went to the beach last week, I just saw people. Busyness. Paradise was paved and stacked up with rides, shopping areas, and clutter. To be in such a beautiful place, it was difficult to appreciate it because I knew what I was going back to- Ft. Polk, LA- the land of tattoo shops, strip joints, and bars. It's depressing. Another blogger wrote about this the other day and I think there's some merit in what she was saying. I think there's a sort of "regional depression" that is settling over our household because I'm letting it. I'm well aware that I choose how to react to my situation, but I also know that not enjoying this location is huge influence, too. And just thinking what all we have to do before we leave here next year is entirely overwhelming. Not only will we be packing up, job searching, and looking for a new home, we will also be smack dab in the newborn stage with the baby on the way. Two babies under two. Christmas. Moving. Stress. Hormones. I feel ill-equipped to handle it all.

God is my provider, though and He has never let me down. I know it will all work out as it should. But this time of transition for me is harder than I thought it might be. In a short period of time, I've changed into this mother- a mother to two- instead of a newlywed graduate student who still wants to make a difference by contributing to people by helping, to her family by earning money, and to her worth by showing she is good at something other than managing a home. I don't feel as if I'm contributing to our family because most days my goal is to make it to nap time or make it to bedtime.

I must remind myself that my son is thriving and we're making precious memories together right now. It's not just my life anymore. And I'll do anything for my children.

But I look forward to some balance. Eventually I'd like to incorportate some of my hobbies back into my life. Scrapbooking. Writing. Tennis. Being active. Anything that will make this sad little woman into the happy woman of God that I know is hiding inside. I know life is full of peaks and valleys and soon I'll have a higher elevation to write from. Until then, thanks for listening (hopefully without judgement).