If You Could Step Into My Head

I know if I write today, it will be too personal. Yet here I am, typing, looking for something to fill my time besides cleaning up toys and washing dishes. I feel uninspired. Minutes ago, I opened the notes I've collected for the personal memoir I'm writing. I don't know if it's something anyone else will ever read, but I want it for myself. I want to finish for my family. Wouldn't it be neat for my boys to have the story of how their parents met to read when I'm long gone? It's just this passion of mine that has taken a backseat to life.

As I said, I opened the book notes to write a little more but it didn't take long for Baby K to crawl over to me, pull himself up, and begin gnawing on my leg. I don't know how anyone works from home with children. Kudos to you. I've tried. I try to write, but I only manage the words on this blog. It's because I can just hit publish and it doesn't matter if I end my sentences in prepositions because this space is just my voice.

I search for acceptance and a feeling of productivity in other ways, too. It's no secret that I struggle with  that nagging feeling that I don't contribute enough to my family. It's amazing what a paycheck- a visual example of work well done- will do for my mood. But how do I force myself to recognize value in saving money? In taking care of the household? In raising my young son?

I enjoy cloth diapering because I know how much money it saves us every month. Recently, I started making cloth diapers in order to save even more money, but even as I accomplish these tasks it doesn't feel like enough. When I clean the kitchen for the zillionth time, it's only a chore. I don't strap on an apron and a smile and think about how I'm taking care of my growing family.

What does it take to make these things feel more important to my life?

I love that I get to stay at home with my boy. I can't imagine leaving him with someone else, only to get him back in time for bed. It would break my heart. Still, I want to do both. I want to make money with an actual job. I want to write and sell my articles again. I want to type with one hand and sew diapers with the other. I want to be supermom and I'm not her. 

I'm not her at all.

I'm stuck in this house. I'm stuck in this state. I'm stuck in limbo- wanting so desperately to cherish every single moment with Baby K, but also wishing my time away when we're in a different state and out of the Army lifestyle. Today, a wise woman of God posted on my facebook that this was just a season of my life.

And seasons are temporary.

Praise be to God.

Yesterday, PWOC (Protestant Women of the Chapel) started back for our fall semester. I was torn between which class I wanted to take. There are so many that interested me. After writing this, I realized that God has placed me exactly where he wants me. I chose a class called The Resolution for Women. It's supposed to inspire women to resolve to become "purposefully feminine, surprisingly satisfied, and faithfully His."

God is so awesome. His plan is always so much better than my own and I trust Him. Now, that's a good feeling.