I wasn't going to write today, but I keep sitting down at the computer- staring. I feel compelled to write about nothing really. I just need the release. It hasn't been the greatest of weeks. I'm struggling with something-
In the Internet Age, it's hard not to compare. Facebook and blogging make it so easy! The last few days have been rough on my mama heart. I want so badly to give these two boys the best life I can, but nothing ever seems to play out the way I think it will. For example, why is it when we make the effort to pack up the car, diaper bag, and put little shoes on all the little feet and pitter patter off to the park or some other fun activity, we are re-payed by a whiny-absolutely-bananas toddler? I know toddlers can't reason Oh, Mama made an effort to get me out of the house. I should be pleasant and enjoy it the whole time. But still. It's so frustrating that simple errands or activities done for "fun" are so often the breaking point of my day. I can't be the only one.
But I look around and everyone seems to be carrying on as if their toddler doesn't try to grab their poop every time they change their diaper. They act as if their child doesn't whine at every simple command. It seems like my child is the only one who hits our family dog when he gets mad.
It doesn't stop there. Yesterday I was perusing IG and I saw another four month old standing on his own by simply holding on to an ottoman. The mother told me he has been doing that for awhile. Of course, then I started worrying that I don't work enough with Baby A. He can barely put any pressure on his legs before he buckles in. He doesn't roll over consistently. He hates being unswaddled while he sleeps. His feet turn in from the way he was positioned in the womb and the doctor mentioned that could be a problem. All these worries. All these fears. I don't want to fail these boys.
To make matters worse, I took K to the dermatologist yesterday for a bump he has had on his cheek since he was about five months old. You may have noticed it, you might not have. It looks a lot like a pimple. I used to think it was so I often edited it out of photos until I was looking through pictures on my iphone and realized just how long it has been there. A year later, here we are. I was given a cream to try for a month, but the doctor doesn't think that will work. She referred us to a plastic surgeon. She says it's a cyst that will need to be removed. I can't imagine trusting someone to put my baby to sleep. I'm sick just thinking about it.
Almost daily, I think- I'm going to quit blogging. Quit reading blogs. Quit writing. Delete my facebook app on my phone and just not get on anymore because the comparing is stealing my joy. It's making me worry more.
The truth is- I have a happy life full of interesting quirks and kinks that sometimes cause me to have bad days. I will continue to praise God for the sweet moments and look to Him through the scary ones, too. I don't necessarily think a break from social media is what I need- perhaps just a change of heart.
16 comments:
It's so hard in this day and age of social media NOT to compare yourself and your family to others. I'm constantly worried about Nora because she's not really talking yet and so many other babies her age are. But then I sit back and realize, she communicates with me in her own way and that's ok for now. As far as hitting the dog - Nora does that with Bella and she also tries to ride Bella on a regular basis too. Sending prayers your way that the cream will work and that all will be good!!
I really loved this. Back in CA I did more things with Em. We were constantly at the park, zoo, play dates, shopping, etc. But since moving to NC we don't have nearly as much options except the usual beach, park, play outside and take a walk downtown but that usually ends in a tantrum because I wont buy her anything at the toy store. But these things depend on the weather of course. With living in a very small town and only having one vehicle it's taken me awhile to get over the worrying of not doing enough. I have all my friends back in CA who we used to go on play dates with still doing all the things we used to do and I have guilt. I try not to compare but when my FB and IG are constantly flooded with pictures and statuses it is hard.
I relate so much to this post. I feel the same way about reading message boards or blogs. I hate trying to get everyone ready to go because it feels like a disaster when we are out. My 2 year old is stubborn and strong willed. It makes leaving the house interesting. My 4 month old isn't rolling over yet. I feel bad that I don't do tummy time more. Just remember, you are doing what is best for your family. All families are different. All children are different. You are the best mom you can be, and those boys love you for all you do for them.
I hope you don't leave for long, I do love reading about your boys, and your warm Florida life.
SO sorry that you are going through all of this! :( My niece had plastic surgery on her lip when she was about 6 months old and for me as an Aunt it was awful I couldn't imagine it as a parent. Hugs my friend!
I love your raw honesty.
I can relate so much to this! My friend had a baby 2 weeks after my daughter (so they're all about 4 months too) and she already rolls over and sits and found her feet but my daughter hasn't. I try not to think about it because I know every baby develops differently. It's still hard not to stress.
I hope that writing about it released some of the anxiety you're feeling! While it is so easy to compare to others on the blogosphere, it is so nice to be able to have a release. I hope everything works out and sometimes there is only so much you can do, you have to happy with being the best you and no one else.
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I'm so sorry that's how you're feeling :( I compare my baby to everyone else's ALL the time. And I know people compare with Penny. It's sooo hard.
As for the cyst thing, I get them and I got them! I had surgery on my first in 2nd grade.
Such a lovely and moral-able post...
http://fashionwithfitness.blogspot.com/
Yours is the only blog I read, your father encouraged me and I am hooked. I don't "face" nor "twitter" or any other social networking. My children feel I am out of touch and a dinosaur. I don't feel I am missing out on anything by being a dinosaur. Sometimes I think I am better off not "facing" nor "twittering". Your children are perfectly normal, lovely little boys and you are a perfectly normal, lovely mother. They are blessed to have you as their mom. Try not to fret so much, you will get worry lines. Mine always pitched fits when we did something fun or whined or pouted. I look back now with fondness and a smile on those days.
Thanks for reading along :) Your last two sentences are giving me hope. I'm glad to know it's normal for kids to whine during fun things, too...and that I likely won't focus on that when they're all grown up. I'm sure I'll remember all the fun memories we made instead.
Writing is always cathartic for me! Thanks for responding. Have a good weekend!
Can't tell you how much I love this post. :) I used to wonder why I never heard my mom talk about struggling with things like this, and I realized that we live in a totally different 'mom world' than she did with all this technology. Sometimes it's nice, and sometimes it's maddening!
I didn't read the other comments so this is probably not original, but I wanted to tell you that my son is just like your Cray K. He is what most people would call a "crybaby". I feel like we can't take him anywhere! It is frustrating and hard. I would love to go to a bible study or a work out class, but he cries anytime I leave him anywhere and he cries THE ENTIRE TIME. Seriously! He is 16 months and I just tell myself "this too shall pass". It's hard though. So me and my 3 littles spend a lot of time at home, in our own back yard, or taking walks in our neighborhood. He refused to ride in the stroller or the shopping cart until he was one. He would scream like a banshee and I always felt so judged (maybe I was and maybe I wasn't). My other two kids are laid back and I parented them all the same, but people who don't have "high reactive" children don't always understand. I wonder if Cray K and Caleb would get along? ;)
This is what I think is one of the hardest things for parents of young children. The age range for everything as an infant/toddler is so large that it is hard to pin point when a child should be doing X,Y & Z until they are practically at the far end of the spectrum. Ignore the "my child was walking by 5 months" or "johnny was potty trained by 18 months." Every child is different and it all fits within the norm. If you want to follow anything I'll look through my old ed stuff (i want to anyway for my own sanity) and email you a copy of the "milestone standards" that I have that go through 1st grade. I would be more likely to compare my child to what professional think the standard should be than what everyone else is telling you. I know its hard. I hear it all now being pregnant. people telling me something is wrong because I haven't gained weight or that if i'm not feeling the baby move all day long something isn't right. You will drive yourself crazy listening to what everyone else says. YOu are a great mom. You are doing what is best for your children. Your children are right where they need to be. Right where God intends them to be. Don't doubt yourself because of what others say. Take it for what it is worth. Their child is progressing they way they are supposed to. This may or may not be the way your children are supposed to.
I hate to see such a great parent doubting themselves!
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