Decisions, decisions

I talked to my bestie yesterday for fifty two minutes on the phone. We both found an open window of time, which is rare, and were able to just talk without interruptions. That hasn't happened in a long time. Feeling no time constraints, I found out exactly what was on my mind because I just couldn't shut up. It all came pouring out. All the thoughts, concerns, fears, and expectations of Baby A's upcoming appointments with the specialists at Vanderbilt have flooded my head. I can try to distract myself, but when I attempt it I find myself gravitating toward books or social media which doesn't always help because I am drawn to information about Cochlear Implants (CIs). I end up reading the good and the bad during the little free time I have. The bottom line is that this is a huge decision, one I almost don't feel is mine, but it has to be.

Ultimately, I want God to just sit beside me and tell me what to do. I wish I had step by step instructions from Him. Instead, I hear nothing. Maybe it's because I'm not listening. Maybe it's because I'm not praying enough for His will. My prayers have been full of tearful hope that Cochlear Implants will be the route we take and that he will thrive with them. But should I not be asking that? I don't know. I start thinking about how his sweet, perfect head will be opened up to have something foreign inserted and all I feel is that this should be a personal decision. I am his mother, though. His dad and I will have to make the decision for him and it's so scary.

These CIs are modern miracles. I truly believe that. It's incredible really. Even if they work and Baby A is able to hear with them, there are x number of things that could go wrong. They could stop working. Get infected. Annoy him. Et cetera. The thing is- he will always be deaf. At night, he will take the processors off and it will be silent. When he gets in the pool (unless he has specialized equipment), he won't hear. He'll always be deaf. There's nothing I can do to change that. It's with that knowledge that I want to equip him in any way I can now. The time is just ticking away for oral language learning and sign language and I can't tell you how frustrated that makes me. Professionals will likely tell me not to teach him to sign and to encourage him to focus on the sound (he will hopefully one day hear). But he'll always be deaf. I feel lead to give him something. I might feel differently if he was young, but before I know it he will be two. TWO years behind his peers.Two of the most important years in development. I look at his older brother and how much he has progressed with language and cognition and it makes me so happy for him and just so frustrated for my second born who will have to work doubly as hard as many of his hearing peers.

Yesterday someone with the early intervention program told me to just breathe and to take time to absorb everything. I feel like I can't. I don't want to stop looking for different avenues that could help him. I want to move forward. I don't know which way is forward, though. I'm feeling so lost with all the different appointments and therapies and programs that have been suggested. Needless to say, I'm counting down the days until we can make the trip to Nashville again and find out more about what we might expect down the road. I'm trying to relax and breathe. 

He's alive. He's happy. Thanks be to God.

The Thief of Joy

I wasn't going to write today, but I keep sitting down at the computer- staring. I feel compelled to write about nothing really. I just need the release. It hasn't been the greatest of weeks. I'm struggling with something-

Source: favoredgrace.tumblr.com via Mrs. on Pinterest

In the Internet Age, it's hard not to compare. Facebook and blogging make it so easy! The last few days have been rough on my mama heart. I want so badly to give these two boys the best life I can, but nothing ever seems to play out the way I think it will. For example, why is it when we make the effort to pack up the car, diaper bag, and put little shoes on all the little feet and pitter patter off to the park or some other fun activity, we are re-payed by a whiny-absolutely-bananas toddler? I know toddlers can't reason Oh, Mama made an effort to get me out of the house. I should be pleasant and enjoy it the whole time. But still. It's so frustrating that simple errands or activities done for "fun" are so often the breaking point of my day. I can't be the only one.

But I look around and everyone seems to be carrying on as if their toddler doesn't try to grab their poop every time they change their diaper. They act as if their child doesn't whine at every simple command. It seems like my child is the only one who hits our family dog when he gets mad. 

It doesn't stop there. Yesterday I was perusing IG and I saw another four month old standing on his own by simply holding on to an ottoman. The mother told me he has been doing that for awhile. Of course, then I started worrying that I don't work enough with Baby A. He can barely put any pressure on his legs before he buckles in. He doesn't roll over consistently. He hates being unswaddled while he sleeps.  His feet turn in from the way he was positioned in the womb and the doctor mentioned that could be a problem. All these worries. All these fears. I don't want to fail these boys.

To make matters worse, I took K to the dermatologist yesterday for a bump he has had on his cheek since he was about five months old. You may have noticed it, you might not have. It looks a lot like a pimple. I used to think it was so I often edited it out of photos until I was looking through pictures on my iphone and realized just how long it has been there. A year later, here we are. I was given a cream to try for a month, but the doctor doesn't think that will work. She referred us to a plastic surgeon. She says it's a cyst that will need to be removed. I can't imagine trusting someone to put my baby to sleep. I'm sick just thinking about it.

Almost daily, I think- I'm going to quit blogging. Quit reading blogs. Quit writing. Delete my facebook app on my phone and just not get on anymore because the comparing is stealing my joy. It's making me worry more.

The truth is- I have a happy life full of interesting quirks and kinks that sometimes cause me to have bad days. I will continue to praise God for the sweet moments and look to Him through the scary ones, too. I don't necessarily think a break from social media is what I need- perhaps just a change of heart.

Source: unlockingthebible.org via Mrs. on Pinterest

Overheard At My House

One of my favorite bloggers has a series like this from time to time and I always love reading the sentences uttered around her house. Her boys are talking so that makes it that much funnier- out of the mouths of babes. Meanwhile, I'm continually surprised by what comes out of MY mouth as I spend my days raising our boys at home. Here are just a few phrases I've said in the last few months. Don't judge me.

*"Oh, don't put your paci in the toilet!" Followed closely by, "No! Don't put the paci in your mouth!"

*"You can't get up from this chair until you can act like an adult" - Um? LOL That's going to be awhile, Mrs. K. Great parenting. Not. I actually laughed out loud after I said this because it was so ridiculous to say to an 18 month old.

*"If you break that, I'm breaking your spirit."

*"Is this where you want to be when Jesus comes back?"

*"Don't run Holly over with your train."

*"Please don't play with Holly's teeth."

*"Dear Lord, please get me to nap time."

*"Here, you clean the rest. You made the mess."

Have you said anything funny or surprising to your kids recently? Do tell.

The Calm After the Storm

Thanks for all your kind words with my last post. I seriously felt ridiculous for letting all that stuff upset me, but y'all made me feel so much better and loved! I had the best weekend to make up for the crazy town week I had. I'll tell you all about it in a sec, but first I want you to head on over to Katie's page. I'm guest posting about how the military has impacted me over there today while she's away at Basic Training:

Friday was a good day. Cray K, Baby A, and I packed up and headed across town for a play date. Usually, I have made friends before I get to a place thanks to blogging or online forums. This time? I know no one. Any Jacksonville bloggers out there? I couldn't seem to find any. I only got overwhelmed when I signed on to MeetUp.com. Pay dues every year for friends? Fill out a series of questions to see if you're accepted to the group? Eek. No, thanks. I'd much rather facebook stalk some friends and then meet up with them. Ha! I found a wonderful local group and met up with two very sweet ladies who have children around Cray K's age. It was good for him to be around other children, but I think it was even more beneficial to me to be around adults finally. I really enjoyed it and will hopefully be joining them in all kinds of shenanigans.

Captain J got home late that night and we woke up to a nice little Saturday. We just ran some errands, but it was so good to have him home. He let me sneak out for a couple hours to get my hair done. Then, after we put the boys to bed, we had a little in-house date. We ordered sushi, popped open some red wine and played Mario 3! Fun stuff.

Sunday we skipped church. Actually, we haven't been since Baby A was born. At first, we were just following doctor's orders, but now it's one of those things we're dreading. Not because we don't want to go to church, we really really do. I'm just anxious to attempt it with two babies. As you know, Cray K doesn't do well at childcare. Next week is the week, though. Baby A is now three months old and ready to be introduced to the world! 

Anyway, we woke up craving our old haunt in Alaska, LuLu's Bagel's. Since we can't have those anytime soon, we set out to find some bagels and coffee. I put on my firmoo glasses and a little mascara and headed out the door.

Later that night, J fixed us some delicious tuna and creamy spinach. Yum! 

It was a sweet day with my little family. We are so thrilled to have daddy back for good! Well, until next month that is. 

How was your weekend?

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Thank Heaven For Little Boys

How lucky am I? I look at this photo and that's all I can think about. I'm incredibly blessed and I don't know why I have been. There are so many times throughout the day that I think, "I'm so bored with this." Raising babies, rarely leaving the house. But then I look around and see all these cheeks around to kiss, these perfectly round little heads to pat, and these tiny souls to shower all my love on and my thinking changes to, "This is living!" This is what my life is about now and I don't want it any other way. I want to cherish every moment I have with these boys. As I tell them so often throughout the day, they are my world.

I love the sweet way Baby A smiles up at his toys even when no one is around to prompt him.

I love that K will play peek a boo for an hour straight, laughing louder and louder each time he reveals himself.

I adore A's baby smell and the soft kisses I steal from his head, neck, and hands. I can't get enough.

I adore the way K wants "up" in my arms and gently lays his head down on my shoulder when he's sleepy.

I hope to always remember Baby A's first smiles because his whole face lights up.

I hope to cling to the adorable way K toddles around our house laughing, playing, and exploring every inch.

Most of all, I hope my children can look back and see me trying. I pray they see a woman who loves them fiercely and I hope they look kindly upon me. They deserve nothing but the best. I want to give that to them.

Thank Heaven for little boys.

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Wednesday Walkabout

Random Wednesday

No Paci For Cray K

My sweet little Cray K turned 18 months recently. I can't believe how fast it has all flown. One day he was screaming his precious little head off with colic, the next he was screaming his precious little head off in a toddler tantrum. He isn't all cray cray, though. He's unbelievably sweet as well. He loves his big brother role and rushes to his side anytime Baby A starts to cry. My heart melts at the sweet way he tries to give his brother his paci. He ends up stuffing it in A's eye, nose, and cheeks but it's the thought that counts.

Speaking of pacis...

We took Cray K to the doctor the other day and she casually asked if we still gave him a paci. She was slightly appalled when we answered in the affirmative and she said in her cute Indian accent (my fav!), "You should get rid of that immediately!" I said, "Cold turkey?" She replied, "Absolutely." Then I started going into convulsions just thinking about a trip to the grocery store without one.

But to be honest, we were already limiting his paci usage. He no longer got it while we were at home except for sleepy times. The car, the crib, and out in town? We were all- "Plug the hole!" So the task of getting rid of his paci seemed very daunting.

That night, we couldn't find the paci for bedtime so we just didn't give it to him and he slept all night! 

My friends, we are working on Day Five of No Paci For Cray K and I'm happy to report it has been all business as usual here. I'm so pleased! Not a lot with my eldest boy has been easy and I'm shocked that this seems to be thus far. There's no going back now. My boy isn't a baby anymore.

He has started to talk a little and sign more often. That is such a relief. I see other blogs and facebook posts about how their child is saying this (and this and this!) and it really bothered me for awhile. Now, I'm aware just how different each child can be. Sometimes it just takes time. There's no use in worrying, anyway.

K has added "up" to his repertoire. I love the sweet way he says it. He sounds like Scooby Doo. Other words include: yes, hi guys, mama, dada, uh-oh, and more. He signs milk, all done, more, and no very well. I started to type out an "attempted words" list, but I just don't want to be that blogger today. You're welcome.

The bottom line is, I love this little one more and more every day. Waking up to his happy chatter in the morning makes me realize just how blessed I am. God has given me the world when he brought K and A into mine.

Happy 18 Months to the boy who made me a mother!

1 Month

Dear Baby A,

As I was snapping photos of you today, I was overcome with fear and the thought, "You're going to grow up so fast." I look at your brother and realize it wasn't too long ago that I was positioning him on the couch to take his monthly photos, too. I don't want to think about you growing up too fast. Right now, you want nothing more than for me to hold you, feed you, and love on you. That's all I want to do. You are so so precious.

You're eating and gaining weight like a champ! That's about the only time I hear a peep from you- when you're hungry! Remind me to tell you about the time you gave your Aunt Paige a hickey on her chin when you were extra ravenous. You might not ever live that down.

When we brought you home from the hospital, I kept asking your YaYa, "Is he okay?" because you slept so much. We were prepared for a fussy little one and you have been so pleasant from day one. Thanks for that, little man. Speaking of little man, you make the funniest faces. I could stare at your expressions all day. I love you so much!

I'm so proud to be your mama!

Life Lately

Five more days. That's all that's left in the home that we brought Cray K and Baby A home to. The end of this stint here in Louisiana marks the end of Captain J's career in the U.S. Army. We've lived here just over a year and a half and it has been our longest time spent in the same house since we've been married. You'd think I would have bittersweet thoughts about it, but I'm looking forward to leaving Ft. Polk. It was fine while it lasted but I don't think I'll harbor much regret when I look back. I will miss the few people I've come to know here, though! 

Today I've been busy trying to pack what we'll need for our next step of this journey. We're headed home to Tennessee for a couple months before we move to Jacksonville for J's new job. There's a lot to do as you can imagine. In between packing up boxes, I'm completely absorbed in our new little addition to the family. He is absolutely wonderful, y'all. I have barely heard him cry. He is eating well. He never spits up. He is happy. This is all so new to me. K has always been rather cranky from day one so this behavior was an unexpected blessing. I may or may not be holding my breath, waiting for the bottom to drop out, though.

In the past few days since my mom and sister left, life in our household has been difficult. Cray K has really lived up to his name. I suppose he's all out of whack because of all the changes we've thrown his way this week, but his behavior has been terrible. I feel like I'm failing as a parent. I'm just crossing my fingers that his "terrible twos" started early and this is something that everyone deals with from time to time.

For the most part, K doesn't acknowledge his little brother. Occasionally, he'll saunter over to pull a body part or pat his head. Sometimes he rocks (read: shakes violently) the bassinet, but luckily I'm usually there to swoop in and save my sweet Baby A from his older brother's wrath. I'm definitely looking forward to going home so that K can have some distraction from cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents! I want my sweet little boy back and maybe if there are more people to play with, he'll be happy again.

I want to cry just typing that.

I know this is all just an adjustment period for him and for all of us. I tried to play extra long with K, rock him to sleep, and take care of him just like I would before Baby A came along. It doesn't seem to help. Now, J and I have adopted the approach of divide and conquer- with him caring for K while I watch over A. It's not much fun, but it's working alright.

No matter how hard it is with Cray K, I simply won't wish the days away. I love soaking up all the time I can with A. When K was a newborn, it was really really difficult. Baby A has shown me just how different babies can be. They're both equally precious and I'm so grateful God chose me to be their mama! I certainly don't deserve the role, but I hope I'll figure it all out in time.  Thank you all for your prayers during this tumultuous period in our lives! 

How To Stay Connected After Baby

September 2011

I write a lot about how I miss Alaska, but I wonder if my longing is misplaced. I think I actually miss the freedom that duty station gave us. It was our first year being married and we were miles and miles away from friends and family. We only had each other, really. We could leave the house at the drop of a hat to go out on a date, head to the shooting range, or fish the Chena- all activities that aren't exactly baby friendly. What I think I miss more than anything is being able to spend time alone with my husband. I can count on one hand the number of dates we've had since we've become parents. It's so tough to not live by family when you have children. We're very cautious who we let watch Baby K. He had colic and was extremely fussy as an infant and we simply didn't trust anyone to put up with that for any amount of time. We knew how stressful it was and were terrified that someone might lose their temper or simply be too stressed out to meet his needs. Now, he is so attached to me, I feel bad burdening anyone with watching him because I'm afraid he'll cry the entire time. I can't have a good time anyway, worrying that my baby is wondering where I am. We've really put ourselves in quite the predicament!

Anyway, Captain J and I recognize the importance of staying connected despite our lack of placing an importance on date night. God's word says when two people get married, they become "one flesh" (See Genesis 2:24). When one adds another tiny human to the mix, it's hard to figure out how that one flesh will shift, mold, and change. I'm not saying we have it figured out even with our second child on the way, but below are some suggestions of a good place to start:

1. Communication lines are to stay open! Talk about every little thing whether it seems important or not. You never know when that tiny little thing that gets on your nerves will boil up into a much bigger problem or argument.
2. Don't keep score. Captain J and I tease each other a lot by saying, "It's your turn!" (to change a diaper, wake up early with him, etc) but if you play this game it will get old fast. I try to remember the verse that says, Women are "...to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands..."(Titus 2:5, NIV). Honestly, if we were keeping score, of course I would be winning. I stay at home with him constantly and when J is at work, I have plenty of time to get ahead. This doesn't mean that when he gets off work that he should be doing everything for the baby. 
3. Recognize the little things. Once the baby arrives, you're likely going to cling to the sweet little nothings that we all know equal big somethings in a marriage. When your partner brews you a cup of coffee- thank him (or her). When he offers to give the baby a bath while you unwind, say thank you. Positively reinforcing these types of behaviors will be beneficial for your marriage. On the same note, make an effort to do these small things for him, too.
4. Laugh together. You're going to need that time to get through. You can almost always find something funny, no matter how desperate the situation. 
5. Pray together. No matter how horrid the day felt to me, when I hear my husband ask God for help in guiding our family, I know he is trying and that makes all the difference in the world to me.

The bible also says, "Children are a gift from God, they are a reward from Him" (Psalm 127:3). That means, each child blesses a family immensely. As parents, it's our job to recognize that every single day and value the time that we have with them while also not forgetting the special bond God gave us when He provided a loving spouse for us.

Happy Sunday!

How do YOU spell Support?

{I'm sitting at the computer trying to talk myself out of a chocolate poptart. I want one badly, but I have to take the dreaded glucose test this afternoon and I'm worried that the one little poptart will send me over the edge not the other 3 I had earlier this week. I'm completely irrational, I know. Anyway, this paragraph has nothing to do with the following ones. Let's move on.}

I've been thinking a lot about how I respond to people. Generally, I think I'm a pretty nice person. But recently I've been wondering if I come across the way I think I do. I just think about how sensitive I am and how I interpret seemingly harmless comments as incredibly insulting and upsetting. And I hope I never make anyone feel so small with anything I might say to them. 

I'm on a parenting forum/mommy group on facebook and the other day someone mentioned how they found it really rude when people told them they had their hands full (with several children). Oops! I can't say how many times I've said this, but I totally didn't mean it in a negative way. What I mean to say is that -"wow, you've got a lot on your plate right now but you're handling it so well". Sometimes less is more, but in this case I don't think it was. I should explain and elaborate on touchy subjects such as parenting because now I'm aware how hurtful not explaining can be.

Encouraging parents should be a top priority on our minds. You can study child psychology, parenting practices, and read every book on the planet about taking care of tiny little ones but that doesn't always mean you're ready to be a parent. I don't think anyone ever really is. You just can't anticipate what to expect, you don't know how much you can love, and those pros in child rearing? They're not the ones trying to soothe a tiny collicky newborn. They're not the ones who are at Walmart with a yelling-at-the-top-of-his-lungs toddler and people everywhere are looking on with judging eyes. When it's your own child having problems, it's so difficult to separate yourself from the situation. It feels like you're the only one in the world that this has ever ever happened to and it doesn't matter when people try to one up you on it. Pointing out how a situation can be worse does not equal support. 

I feel so much judgement in the parenting realm. It's everywhere. As parents, we're often embarrassed to admit what works for us because it may go against what is popular right now. Furthermore, people who advocate that "breast is best" or "back is best" (in regard to sleeping) are only pointing out that formula is worse and so is placing a baby to sleep on their tummies. It's demeaning. Obviously, we all know that breast feeding has many benefits and is the best way to feed our young children. That being said, it doesn't always work out and that's okay, too. Stop making people feel like less of a woman or mother because of it. The same is true for those who choose to place their babies on their bellies to sleep. Have you tried to flip a baby back onto their back when they don't want to be in that position over and over each night? The bottom line is, we're all trying to do the very best for our children and many times we have to find our own way in that role. Sometimes advice is helpful. Sometimes it feels like an attack. We should be cognizant of how we approach such subjects. For example, you should probably never say, "Please tell me you never did this or this." You insult my intelligence when you do so. You make me feel like I have no mother's intuition. And frankly, that uppity attitude doesn't really look good on you.

Good intentions often come across the wrong way. Parents aren't always looking for help or advice- we're looking for someone to listen. We're looking for someone to understand or simply say, "You've had a rough day. I'll be praying for you." Prayer support is something I'll take any ole day of the week!

What are some other ways to support parents? Was there one person who stands out in your mind that was extra helpful during stressful times? What did they do for you?

I only ask because I want to get better at this myself.

Much love,