{I'm sitting at the computer trying to talk myself out of a chocolate poptart. I want one badly, but I have to take the dreaded glucose test this afternoon and I'm worried that the one little poptart will send me over the edge not the other 3 I had earlier this week. I'm completely irrational, I know. Anyway, this paragraph has nothing to do with the following ones. Let's move on.}
I've been thinking a lot about how I respond to people. Generally, I think I'm a pretty nice person. But recently I've been wondering if I come across the way I think I do. I just think about how sensitive I am and how I interpret seemingly harmless comments as incredibly insulting and upsetting. And I hope I never make anyone feel so small with anything I might say to them.
I'm on a parenting forum/mommy group on facebook and the other day someone mentioned how they found it really rude when people told them they had their hands full (with several children). Oops! I can't say how many times I've said this, but I totally didn't mean it in a negative way. What I mean to say is that -"wow, you've got a lot on your plate right now but you're handling it so well". Sometimes less is more, but in this case I don't think it was. I should explain and elaborate on touchy subjects such as parenting because now I'm aware how hurtful not explaining can be.
Encouraging parents should be a top priority on our minds. You can study child psychology, parenting practices, and read every book on the planet about taking care of tiny little ones but that doesn't always mean you're ready to be a parent. I don't think anyone ever really is. You just can't anticipate what to expect, you don't know how much you can love, and those pros in child rearing? They're not the ones trying to soothe a tiny collicky newborn. They're not the ones who are at Walmart with a yelling-at-the-top-of-his-lungs toddler and people everywhere are looking on with judging eyes. When it's your own child having problems, it's so difficult to separate yourself from the situation. It feels like you're the only one in the world that this has ever ever happened to and it doesn't matter when people try to one up you on it. Pointing out how a situation can be worse does not equal support.
I feel so much judgement in the parenting realm. It's everywhere. As parents, we're often embarrassed to admit what works for us because it may go against what is popular right now. Furthermore, people who advocate that "breast is best" or "back is best" (in regard to sleeping) are only pointing out that formula is worse and so is placing a baby to sleep on their tummies. It's demeaning. Obviously, we all know that breast feeding has many benefits and is the best way to feed our young children. That being said, it doesn't always work out and that's okay, too. Stop making people feel like less of a woman or mother because of it. The same is true for those who choose to place their babies on their bellies to sleep. Have you tried to flip a baby back onto their back when they don't want to be in that position over and over each night? The bottom line is, we're all trying to do the very best for our children and many times we have to find our own way in that role. Sometimes advice is helpful. Sometimes it feels like an attack. We should be cognizant of how we approach such subjects. For example, you should probably never say, "Please tell me you never did this or this." You insult my intelligence when you do so. You make me feel like I have no mother's intuition. And frankly, that uppity attitude doesn't really look good on you.
Good intentions often come across the wrong way. Parents aren't always looking for help or advice- we're looking for someone to listen. We're looking for someone to understand or simply say, "You've had a rough day. I'll be praying for you." Prayer support is something I'll take any ole day of the week!
What are some other ways to support parents? Was there one person who stands out in your mind that was extra helpful during stressful times? What did they do for you?
I only ask because I want to get better at this myself.
Much love,
8 comments:
I'm so glad I found your blog on Lulu and Sweet Pea! You've got a lot of fun projects that I would love to do! I didn't pass my glucose test...I ate to much that morning, lesson learned for next time though! :) http://moresisterstuff.blogspot.com/
This is a tough one! I found especially with Bennett, when I wasn't so paranoid about everyone else and was more comfortable just to do what works for us, everything was much easier. On the other side, I recently found myself telling a new mom friend who was dealing with the 'baby blues' that all moms feel overwhelmed and experience that, only to find out that it hurt her feelings that non-chalant about it (even though she was okay and realized taht it was normal.) So I need to remember to be sensitive!
I agree with everything you wrote! I think the people who are such big advocates for one way of parenting are often the most closed minded people. It's hard to listen to them bash every other way of thinking just because it's not what they believe. I think the most difficult are the breast is best, baby wearing, and anti vaccine groups. That being said, I know great women who believe these things and don't shove their views down everyone's throats but I find it's those 3 point of views that are most abrasive. Just remember every child is different. Literally what worked for your kid may be the worst possible idea for mine. I wish people remembered that more. I try to be supportive first and give ideas for what worked for us but always try to follow up with the disclaimer that you do whatever works for your family.
Great post! I've definitely been guilty of doing the "it could always be worse" thing, but I try to be aware now and stop it before it happens.
Hope it went okay!!!
So I have to admit something to you. You're either going to be horrified or you'll appreciate it. Perhaps a combo of the two. It has to do with people saying stuff like, "OMG you're HUGE!" :) So first, I used to actually love it when people said that to me. Really (when I was pregnant, haha). I have a very short torso, so I knew I would be all tummy (and oh, I was). I gained 32 lbs, for goodness' sake. But I felt like in my mind, for whatever reason, my big baby belly equated to a big healthy baby. Funny, right? I was so proud of being huge, and I thought it was so beautiful, even after he was born and I had this huge flog of c-section grossness, because it represented that our bodies were connected. So...what I am trying to say is that I am guilty of being one of those "oh my gosh, you're huge!" people (eek, please don't hate me). But what I really mean to say is, "Oh my gosh, you are beautiful, healthy, and radiant. Your belly (and all the rest) represents one of the only and true miracles of life. I am so grateful to be able to see your sweet tummy, full of love and goodness, and it just brought a huge smile to my face."
I flew from London to Chicago alone with a 15-month-old. It was terrible, terrible, terrible. While waiting for our baggage with my hair all over the place and my toddler kicking his shoes off and whining AGAIN, a young woman walked by and said "Way to go, mom! You've made it!" with a smile. Her encouragement was SO appreciated after so many looks of pity from other passengers. It gave me the last boost I needed to get through customs and to the waiting grandpa on the other side of security. I think of her all the time.
Well said! Another group is the co-sleeping advocates. Actually, both sides are pretty passionate about why we should or should not sleep with our babies. It's frustrating!
Same here. I don't want to point that out to anyone- let them figure it out for themselves! :)
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