How To Parent?

Go here. Do this. Don't sleep because the heartburn is so bad. Clean up. Repeat.

My life has been a series of this lately. Over the past six months, Abel has had appointment after appointment. At first they were trying to figure out why he wasn't talking. At first, there were primary care doctors and developmental specialists. Then there were audiologist and ENTs. Now that we know he's deaf, there are all of thee above and then some. After we found out the news, he was added to an early intervention program and I mindlessly signed paper after paper thinking I was doing something that he needed. They pay when our insurance won't so it certainly is beneficial, but there are some aspects of the program that I didn't understand what I was getting us into.

Once a week (which is a lot when he also has speech once a week and I have a doctor appointment weekly, too), someone comes into our home and...tells me how to parent? I don't know. I still haven't figured out her role. In the beginning stages, I thought she would be there to encourage speech development, educational play, or help him with his sign language. We sat down and developed overall family goals that left me feeling like this was some sort of program to help parents who have no idea what they're doing. While it may very well be the case that I'm super overwhelmed by having (soon to be) three kids in diapers, I am also not readily accepting of having someone come in and offering additional advice. The truth is, unless you've been in these shoes, I don't think you quite understand how my day is. Many days, I'm barely making it. If your kids were spaced years apart, if you had a full time job, if your family lived right down the road as you parented--these make one's journey very different. Couple that with not knowing the stress that comes along with having a child who has special needs, it makes it difficult for me to relate. I know people have helpful advice, but I often have a hard time taking it to heart. I know how that makes me sound.
I feel as if the last thing I have time for is to sit down for an hour with someone and take suggestions on how to run my household and family. This woman is sweet...and honestly, I love having another adult to talk to throughout the day. At the same time, these home visits add more stress to me. The house will be perfectly clean and she walks in and suddenly the kids are throwing stuff everywhere. Last time she was here, Abel climbed up on the porch table and threw off all the place mats while Kinley stuffed his head in a plastic bag. It's really no wonder they think I need assistance with motherhood.
And really, the program is voluntary. I just didn't understand that when I first started the program. Now, I feel like I have to do it because I took up the case worker's time and the woman's time by developing these goals and meeting up to sign papers, etc. Last time she was here she asked me to think of some things I wanted to work on next time. I thought all week and couldn't come up with anything that I think she can help me with. I mean, what would make my life easier? Well, for starters, it'd be easier if Abel could hear. This would make trips to the park a lot better because I wouldn't have to be directly in front of him to talk to him while I attempt to wrangle the other toddler out of harm's way in the parking lot. It would be helpful if I could breathe normally whilst doing this. It would be great if I wasn't waddling and feeling as if I'm about to pass out in the heat while we're there. These are things no one can fix right now. I'm okay with that. These are things throughout the day that you just figure out. Unless you're going to grab a kid when he's about to topple off the highest level of the playground out of sheer joy to be outside, I don't think advice will help the situation. Unless you want to push one in the swing while I take off toward the other to encourage him to share the sand toys instead of hoarding them all then I don't quite have time to think about how YOU would have handled the situation. Remember, I'm barely making it.
I can't even focus on what is being said in these sessions because I'm busy parenting. These kids require constant attention. Don't climb that. Don't eat that. Take your fingers out of the toilet. Please find an inside voice BEFORE MAMA GOES ABSOLUTELY NUTS.
I racked my brain, but I just couldn't come up with something for her to help me with. I probably offended her, but I told her I didn't have any goals for her and I wasn't sure where to go from here. She sent me a text and then called suggesting we put off our meetings until after I have the baby and Abel gets his cochlear implants because life will "slow down". I don't think that's entirely true. There will be more audiology and speech appointments. There will be postpartum appointments. There will be new baby appointments. I will have a baby attached to my breast for about a year. Life is not going to slow down. I fear I made her mad when I suggested any of these feelings. It was not my intention. My intention is to make my house as pleasant at possible. I want to parent in a way that I'm proud of, a way that would make my Father in Heaven proud. I want to give my kids a happy childhood. I want to challenge Abel and the rest of my children to be the best people they can be despite any hurdles that might be in their way. I want the walls of this house to be accustomed to laughter and not yelling. Magic not stress. Happiness not worry. And I'm still trying to figure out how to accomplish this. Aren't we all?