unbearably

There's just something about certain smells that can send one into an unwanted time warp back to times past. Sure, most people smell warm, moist brownies baking and think of grandma's kitchen, but not me. I'm a glutton for punishment.

I made the mistake of thoroughly cleaning out J's truck. I tackled it with leather cleaner, windex, car fabreeze, and a little elbow grease. While I'm enjoying being in a (semi) clean truck again, every time I step inside I'm swooped back to almost a year ago. It was an exciting time in my life, but it was also the end of the deployment, well almost (key word there!).

When I arrived in AK and saw the state his truck was in, I vowed to clean it and never let it return to its former state of messiness. Caked on mud that had time to really set in can be a real beast trying to clean! As you may imagine, I used several different cleaners on that baby!

With fumes overwhelming me, it isn't difficult to see why I'm taken back each time. Such powerful chemicals, such a powerful remembrance of the lonliness. The bitter lonliness.

I was so tired of missing him. I just needed him close by.

And you know, what? I feel that way right now, too. I love sharing my life with Captain J...that's why I married him! I know his duty to his job and country can sometimes go beyond what I want or need from him. I know he has to go, but no matter how short the time period he's gone is, I miss him just the same.

A year ago, I wrote this in my journal-

"The end is so hard on us--mostly because we can't wait for the beginning of us."

I'm just grateful I feel the same way today as I did then-

I simply cannot wait until he gets home so I won't have to miss a single second without him that I don't have to. 200 some odd days into this marriage. You'd think I'd want a day or two to myself! I don't, though. Not really. His side of the bed looks unbearably big tonight. I think the couch is calling my name.