Baby Mama Drama

Just a warning: If you're a dude currently reading this, you might want to evacuate. I'm about to talk about breasts... Not mine in particular, but breasts just the same. And I promise it won't be a pleasant conversation for you.

Ok, now that we've weeded out some people, I'll continue with my regularly scheduled post.

Breast pumps. Storage Bags. Trays. Milk Collector/Saver. Car adapter. Breast shield. Membranes. Valves.

Independently, I'm comfortable with my definitions of each of the above words. When they're all used in a paragraph or one isolated conversation, I begin to freak. I don't know what these are and/or I don't know what to do with them if I figured it out.

In short, I know nothing about trying to take care of a baby. I have one single box that contains all of Baby K's belongings. Most of its contents were lovingly passed down, some were purchased new by thoughtful friends and family. The point is- His need to be clothed will definitely be taken care of. His other needs? Ya know, the really important ones? Food, Shelter. And how bout the need for knowledgeable parents? Those are still up in the air.

I'm trying not to be all baby mama drama on you, but it is worth noting that I'm worried. I'm worried that we don't have a house in LA yet. I'm worried about the move. I'm worried about the transition. I'm worried that I'll have this beautiful baby boy, but I won't know how to make him happy. Will I feed him when he really just has gas? Will I miss a wet diaper because I'm too busy writing papers for school? What if I am so tired throughout the day that I neglect my husband at night? What if I'm a terrible parent?

Some people just don't have that natural ability to care for a newborn. I'm afraid I'll be that girl.

I think it's only my fear of breast pumps and delivery...you know- the unknown- that is freaking me out. I like to know what I'm getting into and right now I feel pretty clueless. Trips to the labor and delivery wing of the hospital may calm me. Classes to practice breathing techniques and study breast feeding strategies might make me feel better. But sadly, I can't participate in any of these until we move. Then, will it be too late?

Oh, be still my heart. I can't wait for Baby K, but I know how unprepared I feel, too.

Motherhood 101?

I'm having a minor freak out moment about motherhood (and not for the first time).

I know I can't possibly know what it's like to be a mother. Mothers are selfless, mothers are giving when it feels like there's nothing left to give. I couldn't possibly be a mother.

As I lay in bed, sick as a dog, I keep rubbing my tummy in soft circular motions because I heard that growing babies like that. But I'm also wondering, how the heck am I going to do this?

I feel terrible. I've barely made it out of the bed or off the couch all day today. What will I do when I have a baby to take care of? I already feel as if I'm neglecting my pets. How much worse will this guilt be when I have a baby screaming for my attention? There must be some force, deep down that mothers hold on to, that makes them get out of bed and tend to their children. I'm just wondering how I go about getting a piece of that.

Does the act of mothering come somewhat natural in the delivery room when the nurse hands over the baby? Will my world as I know it cease to exist and a new world form around this tiny, breathing life? God, I hope so.

Because right now, I feel like I don't know what I'm doing.

I'm realizing that I have about five months left to prepare. In those five months, I'll be starting school again, packing up our home here, moving to Louisiana, trying to find a place to live there, and juggling the responsibilities of being a wife to my very deserving husband. He will be starting a new job where I will likely only see him two weeks out of each month, which means I'll be a single parent, going to school full time for two weeks out of each month. I'm not overwhelmed by these thoughts and that's what makes me think they all might take me by surprise.

Starting something new is always scary and I like to be prepared.

But how does one prepare themselves for motherhood?

I don't know that anyone can. I'm just hoping and praying that somehow I'll figure it all out. I want to be the best Mom I can be to this little one inside me. This precious life deserves that. Now, how in the world do I go about doing that?

Can a girl get a class on it, or what?!