Little man is almost completely weaned from me. It has been awhile since he has nursed and I have mixed emotions. On one hand, I feel free. I can leave for longer than three hours without having to make sure I've pumped enough milk to sustain him through my absence. I feel like my body is a little bit more my own again. For the first time in years, I'm not sharing my body with a tiny baby in my womb or solely providing his source of nutrition on the outside. It's liberating, but it's also creating a sadness in my heart. My baby is growing up.
To add to the guilt I feel for weaning him, there's the presence of a nasty virus. Croup, to be exact. I took him to the doctor this morning after noticing his coughing and breathing getting worse through the night. I can't help but to feel responsible for not giving him breast milk very much over the last few weeks. I wasn't able to build up much of a supply for him so when he stopped being interested in nursing from me, that's when I started to realize our breastfeeding days were coming to an end. With all the people in and out of this home lately, he probably would have gotten sick anyway but I just keep thinking that I should have protected him better.
My sadness doesn't stop there. I feel a sort of longing to have a baby in my life. My soon to be one year old feels less and less like a baby these days. He's trying to walk. He interacts and even plays with his older brother, pushing toy trucks back and forth and giggling uncontrollably. I can't believe how fast these years have gone. I just want to soak these little boys up. I want to bottle their laughs, their smiles, and the funny things they do. I want to keep them with me forever.
What a beautifully messy, amazing time in our lives.
I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.
Thanks be to God.
8 comments:
When Maddie weans from me I'll probably cry.
I feel the same way! Except my two girls have a three year gap between me, and my youngest just turned two. My Husband and I have just recently decided that when Shark Week ends, we will try for another little one. I am excited for the baby years again, but kind of nervous... it's the baby years! lol. It is great how long he stayed attached to you. I have really large ummm milk producers and yet some how they barely make enough milk. Both my girls were done by 4 months old, because I wasn't producing much. I hope this time around I get it down.
What a lucky boy to have had such wonderful nutrition from his Momma for almost a year! You are amazing!! When H stopped breastfeeding, I cried and cried. Oh, that was rough. I am convinced that I had late "baby blues" after that. But having that freedom...It's good stuff, too :)
A is in our prayers for a quick recovery. I know you aren't sleeping, listening to that kind of breathing.
I never thought I would feel the way I do today, reading this. I formula-fed Ethan. You may know this. I didn't understand the bond with nursing, and now, I'm nursing Gabe for going on 8 months. Thinking of it ending some day makes me sad. Heck, reading your post made me sad for you! It will be such a bittersweet day, as you stated, but for now? I just dread it. As for having a little baby around, I DO have a baby around, but he's not so little any more -- he's trying to crawl, to stand up on his own...and I ALREADY find myself missing the little, little baby stage. T-R-O-U-B-L-E. ;) Don't tell my husband. Haha!
Weaning can be very bittersweet. We're not even close, it seems, but I do have more freedom now that she's older. Around Penny's first birthday, I was feeling a bit of baby fever! That first birthday really means they aren't a baby anymore.
Sweet baby. Hope he's feeling better.
awwww poor baby and mama. It will get better. Prayers.
awe I hope he feels better! I'm sorry this is such a bittersweet time for you.
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