Testify

I mentioned some of the struggles that have been filling our house lately, but those are really all small potatoes. Everyone, I've come to find out, struggles with parenthood at some point in their journeys. I'm no different, but I do know there are good days and bad and that I'm going to be okay. 

Parenting woes are not the only stress factor, though. Weeks ago, my former Army Captain linked in to a conference call from his company to hear that they are downsizing. Big time. He is one of the newest employees. We just bought a big ole house. You know where our minds automatically went. But in addition to the worries that crossed our mind was this unexplainable sense of peace. Faith.

I'm not one to not flip out over the smallest issue that feels huge to me. For example, I once thought someone stole our dog because I heard a car take off and simultaneously couldn't find the dog so I jumped to conclusions and shouted to J, "Aren't you gonna dooooo something?" I wanted him to hop in the car and run after the culprits. Instead, he quietly pieced together the situation and Drifter came home wagging his tail a bit later. He was calm. I was a basket case. That is what's typical.

This time, though, there was a comfort that said, "I have plans to prosper you and not to harm you" (Jeremiah 29:11). We spent the next few days talking about it realistically. We would lose our insurance. I'm pregnant. What would we do? Put the house on the market? Dip into more savings to try to make the mortgage while job searching? Sell the house for way less than we bought it for to save our credit? But all these lingering questions didn't matter much. You might call it irresponsible, but I honestly think this feeling is a direct result of knowing the Prince of Peace. He's guiding us. He knows what's best for our family. He brought us to Tennessee for a reason and we are following his will as best we can.

On Sunday, the pastor mentioned Hebrews 11:6

"And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him."

And that was it for me. It's all going to be just fine. If he keeps his job, if he loses it- It's all part of the plan and we're going to be okay.

And you know what's more than okay with me? Today is a snow day...finally. I think this is the first time I've seen any substantial amount of snow since we left Alaska. For some reason, our little neck of the woods here hasn't seen hardly any and none of it stuck around. It's still snowing and the roads are covered and this gal is HAPPY! K and I are hoping for a couple inches so we can go play in it while Baby A naps this afternoon.

No worries here.

Love,

Mega Update!

Those of us who stay at home, who pour our words into this space on the Internet, who otherwise would only be celebrating surviving until nap time can understand my excitement that this very post is my 1,000th one on this blog. I'm glad I have this space that I can come to when I'm happy, when I'm frustrated, or when I just need to connect with someone outside of the walls of this home and it means a lot to me that you come by and chat with me.

Today isn't anything special. I just wanted to write without thinking. I'll update you on what's going on in our world as much as I can.

We'll start with this one:

He is a handful. Lately, he has me questioning everything. I suppose that's what kids do, though. They keep you on your toes, but as my peers talk about how life is getting easier with their toddler/preschool aged kiddo I just keep thinking how true that isn't for me. There's lots of grunting, screaming, fit pitching, and whining going on around here. And forget playing nicely with the little bro! It ain't happening. K is frustrated by the babe more often than not. He doesn't enjoy the attention Baby A gets when he walks a long way. He doesn't like sharing his toys with him and he really doesn't like when he doesn't get his way. I know this is all par for the course, but day in and day out of it and it wears on me. I feel that I'm not being an effective parent and it scares me.
We are potty training, too. That is also not going so well. I've tried just about everything, but I don't think he cares anything about being a big boy. He wants me to change his diapers forever*. He's sweet, though too. This morning, as we were sitting in the bathroom hoping for a success, I told him, "You need to start going to potty in the big boy potty. You are not a baby anymore and I know you can do it!" He just looked at me and said, "I'm sorry, Money (that's what he calls me for some reason)". Perhaps he's not ready, but again I just don't know what I'm doing here. On top of it all, he won't nap anymore.
It's not all bad, though. He's finally sitting at an adult spot at our table and using his utensils frequently. He also got a haircut (and was an angel) and he looks like a college boy. He's growing up before my eyes and half the time I'm wishing to soak in every time he asks me to play trains or read him a story. The other half of the time, I'm trying not to pull out every hair on my head as the other baby boy gives me a run for my money.

He's a pill, too.

We're struggling with him. You probably know by now about his hearing and/or developmental delay. We are still trying to get that sorted out. It's a long, boring story but the hearing test has been pushed back more times than I can count. Supposedly, we will be seeing a new doctor on the 29th and he will have the test then. I have a sense of peace about it. Whatever it is, it will be just fine. That doesn't make life any easier here, though. His shrieks are almost constant. Screaming to talk, screaming for food, screaming for attention, screaming for no apparent reason at all. It wears on me. As an introvert, I enjoy quiet moments to myself while physical closeness drains me. Baby A has become very needy and is always hanging on me, begging to be heard. I think that's why he screams so much because he can't talk and he wants to communicate so badly. It is hard on us. K starts screaming right back and they have their own little angry language. I end up going a little crazy more and more everyday.

He's precious, though. I'll knock on wood as I say this, but he does still take a good nap and sleeps pretty good at nighttime. I'm so thankful for that. He still loves to eat anything you put on his plate. He has also grown two inches in the last two months. Sometimes I look at him and can't believe how tall he is. It seems like he's still my baby, but he's not. He has moved to the role of big brother already!

I love my boys very much. As you can see, they're my life.

I do try to have a life outside of them as much as time doesn't really allow that. When given the opportunity, I try to keep up with my fitness goals. I also attempt to write on some of my projects, but as you can imagine those have come to a standstill. With no glorious nap time to be productive, I have all but given up on writing for awhile. That's okay.

Recently, I joined a group of ladies who are starting a new bible study on marriage. I'm thankful to have that time away and I know it will be something I look forward to each week. In addition, I think J and I are going to start attending a bible study together on Wednesday evenings as well.

It's a start in finding time away from the kids for a few minutes as we spend time together.

I spend my days asking God to have me die to myself and start living for Him, for these boys and their dad. I knew when I got pregnant the first time that the thing I would struggle with most would be selfishness. Three kids later and I am still struggling. I just want to encourage you if you're feeling the same way. It's okay to enjoy a routine and thrive off of quiet, reflective time. Kids throw that out of whack so much, but it's only normal. It will get easier. I just know it.

(*only slightly dramatic)

10 Week Bumpdate

I have had absolutely zero desire to document this pregnancy process. The only thing in the back of my mind was that I had faithfully posted photos and info with K & A and I was going to leave this poor little one out? Ugh. I guess I can't do that. Plus lots of people said they "couldn't wait" for my weekly posts to start about the baby on my blog. If that was you and you were being sarcastic- ha! Joke's on you because I sorta believed you. I'm sorry. Anyway, I assure you these won't happen every week because I can't stick to that sort of commitment. It's too much pressure. I shall update you as I see fit...and ten weeks felt like a good place to start!

Baby is the size of: a prune

Weight: 118 (+0)

Symptoms: I have been so sick. Some days, I can't drag myself off the couch longer to make food for the kids and change their stinky diapered bottoms. I have had a few gloriously mostly sick-free days lately and so I'm hoping the all day sickness is on its way out of my life.
I also have headaches, shortness of breath, racing heart, and backaches, in case you were wondering.
Cravings: Lucky Charms (and yes, I totally indulged)

Boy/Girl: We don't know what this little one is obviously, but when I ask K what he thinks he usually says "Baby Sister". I will be happy to just be a boy mom, but I know I'll be thrilled to hear I'm having a girl, too. I guess we will find out in about 6-10 weeks. At my first ultrasound, the doctor's first words were, "Well, there's only one" and I was thanking the good Lord for that!

Exercise: On my good days, I've been getting active. I haven't modified many of my workouts, although when I go for a run and I am much slower than I was. I also don't run as far. Typically, I run a 5k and call it a day. As far as other workout days? I've been doing T25 and lots of pinterest workouts + cardio.

New Things: Last week, I just looked like I had a few too many cheeseburgers. This week, I definitely popped out a bit. I look pregnant now. I always seem to show early, though. I'll spare you the picture. I'm still embracing the changes my body is going to go through again and until then...black is my friend.

Guard Your Heart

I try to make it a point to read scripture to our kids in whatever capacity I can. Sometimes it's a few words from a toddler bible with stories broken down into the simplest form. Other times, the boys are listening in as J and I do our morning bible study. I just want them to hear and see us trying to learn more because I'm hoping something like that will stick in their brains that Mama and Daddy want God's will in their lives...because honestly, I don't know that I'm ever much of a good example to that in my actions. I'm frustrated daily as I'm supposed to be serving my husband and kids, but all I can think about is how exhausted my body and mind is from this pregnancy and all the other roles I'm trying to carry. So today when K brought my prayer journal over and enthusiastically said, "Read it", I flipped to a page and wearily started to talk. But what we opened it up to was a beautiful reminder for both of us and I thought, "It's never too early to teach this."

In Proverbs 4:23 it says:

"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."

The condition of our hearts is of utmost importance because it's constantly affecting those around us. The term wellspring suggests that the heart is a water source of life that is continually flowing out and reaching other people. If I am affecting these sweet boys with the words I say, my attitude, et cetera then I had better guard my heart, watching carefully that it is filled with good and holy things. They are soaking up everything right now. Everything. And that is a little terrifying to me. I want them to be better than I find myself being.

I want to work on keeping my heart with all vigilance...and somehow relay that to my kids, as well.

Seriously, where's this kids' handbook? I need one because this mothering business is hard work. Anyway, in keeping with trying to avoid polluting my heart with negative influences, I wanted to share with you this video I watched today that made me happy. God is faithful. Enjoy.

Bullet Points

Quick! Someone think of a job I could do (B.S. in Psychology + unfinished M.S. in Marriage & Family Therapy= basically useless) that will earn enough money to put both the kids in daycare AND who will hire a pregnant gal.

*cricket

Ya, I've got nothin' either.

I try to come up with it almost every day yet I know I'll look back on these times with my kids and I'll miss them.

Just as an update:
* Baby A's appointment for a hearing test was pushed back and now it is tomorrow. Thanks to many of you who sent encouraging words and prayers, I have a sense of peace about it all. I was overwhelmed by all the kind words sent on the blog, via facebook, and texts and calls. Thanks so much! I will keep you updated on little man.

*I fear #mrskgetsfit is on hold. Baby number three is not making it easy on Mama. I feel sick most days. Couple that with the fact that my oldest has decided he no longer naps, I'm about to go crazy. I was just saying today that I NEED exercise in my life, but I just haven't made the time lately. I have a small window of time when I feel productive in the early evening, but housework usually takes up that time. Where has my motivation gone? My last run was over a week ago:

*All this couch sitting has me indulging in my favorite reality shows of the season. Of course, I'm following along with Juan in his search for love on The Bachelor. And I'm loving all the transformation on The Biggest Loser. How sad is it that this is what I look forward to during the week?

*This is possibly the best bullet point of them all. I think we found a church we like yesterday. Finally! Perhaps Sundays will return to the position of what I look forward to each week.

*Speaking of fantastic things, I spent almost an entire Saturday with my bestie doing absolutely nothing and it was just what the doctor ordered. We went to her niece's basketball game, grabbed a bite to eat, went antique perusing, and hiked around a tiny bit. It was perfection!

*Also, the Captain and I celebrated our four year anniversary recently. Hoping and praying for many more to come!

*Yesterday, I realized it has been a whole year since I've shot a gun. Not cool.

*Bullet point blog posts-- the way to go.

Until next time,

my secret

There's been this little secret, one I hardly talk about on here. I mention it to friends and family, but I've never really talked about it here because that makes it real. It's out there and then everyone knows what consumes even the smallest corners of my brain. It's about this little cutie:

He isn't talking. Not at all.

Everyone always anxiously awaits those moments when their baby starts to babble or coo. Recording devices are brought out and pretty soon social media is up to date on the tiny baby who is making language sounds at just a few months old. It's incredible really. That's why when Baby A wasn't doing those things, I pushed it to the back of my mind knowing that both my boys typically hit their suggested milestones just a little later than most. He'd be okay.
He's 13 months now. Still, the only sound I've ever heard from him are cries and screams (and the best laughs you've ever heard). He doesn't say ma, da, ba, la much less "mama" or "dada". It makes me sad for him, but even more than that it makes me irritated on a daily basis which in turn makes me feel awful for feeling that way. The poor child can't tell me what he wants. I know his peers are leaps and bounds ahead of him in that department. I suppose we should start diligently teaching sign language. It's not just me that it bothers. His brother is frustrated daily with him because some days all he does is scream over and over. He wants to talk so badly but he just can't. I don't even know where to start.
We are starting, though. I mentioned to the doctor (again) his issue in development and he seemed pretty alarmed. We've switched doctors so many times as we moved that I don't think he quite understood when I mentioned it the first few times to him. There were other issues to attend to. His docs before that continued to tell me to keep an eye on it. Well, I have and what I've noticed is zero improvement. After speaking with the pediatrician at his one year well baby appointment, I got some other appointments set up. The first step is to check his hearing. Friday we went to an ear, nose, and throat guy for five minutes just for him to tell me that he couldn't check his hearing because of ear wax build up.
The kid has always had a lot of ear wax.
This is getting gross, isn't it?
Anyway, we are painfully dropping in medicine to those sweet little ears every night to flush them out for his next attempt at a hearing test on Wednesday. I'm trying not to be worried.
If it's not his hearing that is the problem, then we are all set to see a developmental specialist for a complete review.
I was talking to my aunt about it over Christmas and she said something that I'm trying to focus on. I'm paraphrasing here, but it was along the lines of:

God made him who he is. It doesn't matter if there's something "wrong" in our eyes. He's still perfect the way he was made.

And so I'm embracing her words. I'm lucky to have her wisdom in my life and I'm trying to change my thoughts toward positivity. I know it will all be okay...

because really? He is perfect.

Wanderlust

I felt in my heart that our adventures were over when we left the Army. No more moving around from place to place. No more immediate friendships formed simply because of similar circumstance. It's all sinking in on this cold, dreary Monday as I look outside my house at the temperature: 17 degrees. That's probably pretty warm to most of you across the country. To me, it's just a nuisance. It's cold yet there's no blanketing snow covering a picture perfect backyard. It's just biting and depressing. It makes me miss Alaska and her snow covered mountains year-round. Only yesterday was I missing the sunny warmth of our home in Florida. I suppose the grass is always greener. I don't want to move away, especially as we get ready to welcome another baby into our lives, but I do miss that sense of adventure that the Captain and I used to have. For fun, we packed up the car for days of hiking, fishing, and hunting in the Alaskan wilderness. We drove 6+ hours just to get to the next big town and explore what it had to offer. We went swimming in 20 below zero temps. We picked fresh blueberries in Denali National Park. We gazed at the Northern Lights and wondered how we could be so lucky to get to experience something so amazing. Our adventures there were endless.

I'm suffering from wanderlust as we go into the new year. Our plans for travel have fallen through. We had to cancel a trip to Puerto Rico over Christmas. Then, we wanted to take a trip to celebrate our anniversary, but with buying the house recently the funds just aren't there. So this is what you're left with- a blogger who can't seem to drag herself out of the past. Those adventures are done for now. They'll have to wait. Reality calls....

but hey! At least it's naptime ;)