Bedroom of my Youth

As I write this, I only know one thing for sure: I don't know what will spill out of me. I just know that I need to write. I tell myself that no thought, no feeling is off limits tonight. I need the catharsis that writing brings me.

Self reflection is easy when one is placed in the very bedroom of their youth. Surrounded by an old t.v. that no longer serves a purpose, a closet and drawers full of clothes from my past, and various other knick-knacks that Ive accumulated over my twenty four years, causes me to think. I think about how completely my life has changed and I wonder what it all means. I feel as if I"m two very different people and that doesn't sit well with me. The life that Captain J and I have built together in Alaska will soon come to an end. I wonder how we'll fit back into the social circles here. How will these worlds of ours combine? Part of me wishes to take the bubble that is our life in the Last Frontier and preserve it in my hand always. The other part knows we'll smoothly transition into a life where we can have both our families and each other. Still I worry.

I see him in everything. The bouqet I held at our wedding serves as a beautiful reminder of the day I married my best friend. It is displayed in my old bedroom and I can't stop staring. I can't stop remembering. I recall thinking to myself, "I can't believe he wants to marry me." Now, several months have gone by and those same sentiments haven't changed. He'll always be too good for me in my eyes. He's such an honest and good natured man and most of the time I feel as if I don't deserve him. God really blessed me when he put my husband in my life.

I think of things throughout the day that I want to tell J about and then it hits me that I won't be talking with him anytime soon. I especially miss him on nights like tonight when the rest of the house is sleeping and I"m wide awake wondering how he's doing and how I'm going to make it the next few weeks without so much as a peep from my other half.

In this bedroom of my youth, there's only one consistent thought and that is J. He's my past, present, and future and that has seeped in completely in my heart. Little else matters. I look around and I know where my heart belongs, where it will always belong- with the man in ACUs who had me from hello.

Past. Present. Future.