I recently read a post regarding the task of being a stay at home mother (SAHM) and I decided to add my thoughts on this topic here so that I may revisit them later after our first child is born and decide whether I feel the same way!
I'm mad. I'll just say it.
The particular post I referred to told of a time when the blogger's "friend" on facebook sent her a nasty message saying how disappointed she was in what the blogger's life had become. The friend suggested that instead of using her education in the workforce, she was wasting it staying at home with her two children. You can imagine how this person felt while reading this message. Livid. Hurt. Anger. Confusion. Her misfortune sparked these SAHM thoughts in my own brain. What's my opinion on all this?
I've told you all before that I never imagined this is the path my life would take. After graduating college, my next step was graduate school. Having a family was in the back of my mind, but I knew that could wait until after I had established myself in a good counseling job. I couldn't even imagine getting married and having children. Then, BAM! I met Captain J and all of my goals in life started to shift. I wanted something other than a career.
Now, I've heard people suggest to me in not so many words that if I think motherhood is difficult already just imagine what it would be like having a job on top of all that. Maybe they're right. I'm not one to compare tragedies, but I will say that this particular opinion doesn't really sit well with me.
I'm not even a mother yet and I'm offended by the suggestions of others that "so and so doesn't have a job. She's just another stay at home mom". Baloney! I won't suggest that either the working mom or the one who stays home has a more difficult job because each has perks and trials of their own. Their "jobs" are most definitely equal, though. I'll stand by that!
I was speaking to my aunt on this very topic a few weeks ago. She is a wise woman who I admire very much and I always enjoy soaking up any advice she offers me. She asked me my plans for this baby in regard to care taking. Would I find a daycare and return to school or work? Or would I care for the child myself while J brought home the bacon? My response was that I would likely stay at home with the child until they are able to start kindergarten and then I would focus on me for awhile. My aunt is a hardworking woman! With a degree in law and teaching, she smiled and said, "I wish that was something I could have done." And that's what it comes down to right there. I feel blessed beyond belief to be able to afford to not work and stay at home with our child(ren)! Like my aunt, I look at it as a positive. Hearing that I am likely to be written off in others' eyes because "that's all (I) do" really is a slap in the face and, I might add, the epitome of ignorance.
What better job do we have as human beings than to raise up a child? With each little person, our futures are shaped. Spending day in and day out with my child will allow me a better understanding of what's going on in his or her own little life. What went into that mouth today? What words came out of it? What could he or she have overheard that might get repeated at the worst possible time? What are the struggles? What triumphs happened in this little life today? Hopefully, I'll be able to answer these questions extensively each day. THAT makes me glad.
My background in psychology will most definitely not be wasted on my child.
And who knows? I might just use my degree again when the school bell rings and little feet skip off to class. Or I might take a different avenue. Either way, I will take pride in knowing that I tried my very best at parenting, the most difficult job in the world!
In Ezekiel 16:44, Jesus says:
"People will use this proverb about you- 'like mother, like daughter.' "
If people are to say that then I want to be the best possible mother I can be to this child. If anything, I'd wish for my child to be a better Christian example than me, but because this verse hints that most will compare mother and child one in the same then I want to make sure to better myself before this child arrives so I can do the very best I can for them in this life. If children are no better than we are, what does the future of this world look like? It's just something to ponder. I truly think my diligence in parenting will be supported by my staying home. I know this isn't a setup that works for all parents nor do I believe that is what is best for every family. I'm only stating that the flames of this 'lazy mother stereotype' need to be stomped out.
*I'd love to hear your respectful thoughts on the matter. Are you a working mom? Are you a SAHM? Do you enjoy your role? How do you make it work for your family?
10 comments:
I think it is wonderful that you can stay home. I stayed home for a short period of time with you and Paige but I would have done it full time if finances would have allowed it. Not everyone is cut out to be a stay at home mom and some mom's do more for their children by getting out of the house during the day..to each her own but motherhood....is a tough job but an important one. Most mom's would be envious of you for being able to swing it.....don't you dare let anyone tell you any different or make you feel less about yourself. Motherhood is THE most important job and the highest paying job you can have...because what you have to show for it in the end....is worth the work . Love, Mom.
Having done both.... neither are easy and you are never completely comfortable with either option! Being at home I would feel guilty that we would have more and could do more if I went to work, but when I worked I felt guilty about the time I was missing with Macy. I stayed at home full time until she was two and I loved every second- wouldn't trade if for the world. However, by two I felt ready and felt like it benefited her to go to a Mother's Day Out Program a few days a week. It helped her socialization and she was able to gain some independence, and I used those days to go back to school. It was the best of both worlds. I already dread having to work when Mia is little, but very,very few are fortunate enough to be able to have a one income family anymore. Staying at home is not for everyone, but I loved it and if you have the opportunity and desire to do so- it is wonderful.
I will add that for me, both were equally difficult for different reasons. You NEVER get a break staying at home. Some days it feels like the walls are caving in, and that you are incapable of talking about anything other than poop or Nick Jr. I can't recall the last time I went to the bathroom alone... well, it was probably about four years ago! I was starting to feel a little brain dead after two years at home. It didn't help that very few of my friends had kids at the time, so they had very little to say to me! I felt very excluded from the outside world. Playdates are a SAHM's best friend- we all need human interaction! Working was difficult because I was tired and my nerves were taxed by the end of the day after dealing with other people's children all day. On days I had class it was like a break. Sitting in a quiet room with no Yo Gabba Gabba blaring (talk about nerves being taxed... flip over to Nick Jr. one day and imagine sitting through a few episodes of THAT)exercising my brain, and accomplishing something... yes please! If I could work part time and stay home part time.... it would be a perfect world!
Being a stay at home is different for many woman. I think this, because there are so many women in my church that is a stay at home mom. For me, it's the HARDEST job i've ever had. It has it's ups and down's. It can be fun, overwhelming, chaotic, etc. At the end of the day, just like you mentioned. You know what went in that mouch and came out. You know why they have a bo-bo on their elbow and who did it, and so on. People tend to over look how demanding children can be. Their's mouth's to feed, butt's to wipe, throw up to clean up, emotion's to conquor. On top of that they must forget about the shower's that get's scrubbed, dish's that had to be done, dinner waiting on your husband when he arrive's home from work and much much much more. Even errand's that had to be ran, bill's that needed to get paid (all of the mentioned doesn't alway's get done) but that's part of being a stay at home mom. Everything you do and all the job's that have to do with your kid's and home are a never ending task. Not gonna lie, sometime's I tend to lose it and cry wanting to go back to work, then when it's all over with and their asleep and being angel's. It all goes away and you couldn't imagine leaving them with complete stranger's. (something i also never did with Elijah). So, for the people who think staying at home is "lame" and "that's it" they should take all this in mind and be envious of us who do get to spend all day with our kid's, cause you probably wouldn't last a month in our shoe's. Also, when that person is going off on the day care because their child was beat up, crapped on themselve's cause they refused to let the child up to potty, or sitting at home digging thru their child's hair with a comb because the "case of lice" is going around. Just remember. We're not. :) Nuff said. lol
I guess I may be the best of both worlds that Allyson was talking about. When I had Rylie, I got to stay home from work for 7 weeks, then I went back to work for just 3 weeks and then I was off for 8 more weeks of the summer. Once school started back, my life got very busy, but I must admit, I really do have the best of both worlds. I am an athletic trainer so my day can't start until the athletes are out of school. So a normal day doesn't start until 3:30pm which means I don't leave my house until about 2:45. I get to spend my day playing and spending time with my little girl. Then I spend my evening taking care of other peoples kids. Most days I am home by 7, but game days can go much later. I love my job and I love staying at home. Both jobs are hard and get very difficult from time to time. Football season is hard because it's long nights on weekends that I have to be away from my family. Staying at home is hard because you don't get a break. It's not like you can clock out and go to lunch...or shut yourself in a room for 5 minutes of alone time. That's not possible. I appreciate the time I get to spend with my baby, but I also think for me, I would go stir crazy staying at home ALL the time. I definitely think it is a personal choice and you won't know your preference until you have that sweet baby in your arms and experience it for yourself. I always told myself that I would jump right back into work and still want to travel in the off season to do contract work at camps and stuff like that. Now I know that there is no way I want to pick up and leave my baby longer than I have to. I also think though that the time away makes me cherish my time with her so much more. Who would have thought I would be waking up the morning after she's had a sleepover with my parents and rushing to get ready so I can go see her? Not me!
Here's my thoughts on the subject. I think if you can stay home with your little ones and give them a good foundation, then do it. Those years are so precious and fleeting believe me. Personally, I was thankful that I could work part- time and get out of the house some and earn a decent wage . I don't think my kids suffered to much over it. Although we missed a few big lessons like " pick up your toys" which I fear Ms Kacy your reaping the benefit (?) of today. LOL! My mom was always my role model and hero, she always worked in some capacity all thru our lives and taught us the value of hard work and joy in a profession. When my Dad passed at a young age, she went back to work 2 weeks after his death. Not because she wanted to, but because she had 3 kids under the age of 15 still at home to raise. When I think about how hard that must of been , I'm humbled by her perseverance, in such a tough time. I guess my message there ( and only because it has been my life lesson, is that it is always good to have skills to fall back on . I sure hope I never convey to you that I think you should work outside the home vs stay at home with the kids. It's really a personal choice and I would respect you no matter what you decided ( and try to help you as well too) Laura
Thank you SO much for this! I am from a family of very hard-working, independent (stubborn) southern women, and I felt very much the same way as you at first. I have also heard...How am I gonna spend 5 years in college and spend nearly $40k to earn a degree "just" to be a stay at home mom? My career WAS important. However, like you, my priorities shifted when I fell in love and wanted to have a family, and it certainly is different for those of us that have married a man in the military. It is more difficult (although, not impossible) to have a career since we move around so much. However, we are blessed in knowing that our spouses have a stable job in this crazy economy and are not going to be layed off. We know that our housing is covered, and that we have amazing medical benefits. Therefore, I feel that we are very fortunate to have the opportunity to be able to stay at home with our children if we wish. I personally have found it to be the most difficult, yet most rewarding job I have EVER had. It is not a job that you can ever call in sick for, or take a vacation from. It is not a job that gets the recognition or pay that is entitled, and it is certainly a mentally and physically exhausting job that lasts well beyond sundown. Many times, a military wife is the sole caregiver for the children when the husbands are deployed, and not only that, but we also have the responsibility of keeping a clean house, keeping the family fed, managing the bills, planning the birthday parties, keeping up with appointments, taking care of the pets, etc, etc, etc. Of course, working moms do these things too, but I will admit, there have been plenty of times that I have wished that I could trade places with my hubby for a day just so I could have a break from changing diapers and singing along to Dora and Mickey Mouse. =) At the end of a long, tiring day, though, I would not change a thing. I encourage you to do whatever you feel that you need to do, but I know that you will be amazing as a stay at home mother, and you're right, teaching and shaping a child is THE most important job you will ever have and this time passes by SO quickly, so enjoy it!
Wow! I obviously can't say that I know all of the pros and cons yet of a SAHM or working mother, but I can say that I have been blesses by reading all of these responses!! God made us all different for a reason, and we all make our own choices. I will be a working mother, unless God shows that he has a different plan for us soon, but I would also say that it would be an honor to be able to stay home with my baby. I think no matter if you are a SAHM or working mom, you deserve all of the respect that a person can get. No matter what, God gave you the most important job that a person can be trusted with...being responsible for one of his children. Gosh, I am getting all emotional just thinking about it!
You have no idea how much I needed this today. Thank you.
Unfortunately/fortunately you have been my ear when I get frustrated being at home all the time with Izzy. She is a wonderful child, but this is really tough. As a 1-1/2 and under, it wasn't too bad, but as a 2 year old, she is desperately in need of some child interaction, especially with her energy level. I wasn't built to be a stay at home mom. I love working, and always have. Although I know that working brings on new challenges/frustrations/difficulties it is something that will ultimately be better for me and for Izzy (or so I believe at this point ;) ) But to each his/her own. Every child has different needs, just as every mother does. I feel like those parents who work and look down at those mom's who don't really are just jealous that they weren't so fortunate. I can't imagine giving back the 2 years that I have spent with Izzy. I hope with whatever you decide to do, that you are happy with your decision. Never let anyone make you feel like you're making the wrong choice.
Oh, and I'm really excited about this little Kacy/Captain J baby!
What used to be the norm for women is now so hard. Why? Was the struggle just not something women talked about or has society changed to give women a whole new sense of guilt?
Having been a working mom to recently staying home - I've had a few of the darkest months. It's tough and often unrewarding. But I find myself to be blessed and lucky. It's a job with purpose. Molding lives of the future.
Thanks for the comments Mrs K! Love your blog and enjoyed getting a glimpse into your world!
- Melissa
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