Yesterday was evil for several reasons. I told you I was missing my family, but that was not the half of it. I tried to talk myself out of a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day but I just didn't. I didn't succeed; I failed miserably. For one thing, my dog (I'll let you guess which one) whined almost the entire day. He wants to run and jump and play, but we don't have a fenced in yard that will allow him to do so. I couldn't go to the dog park because obviously I don't have a car. I'm not going to go into this any further because you've all heard it from me over and over again. I decided I would spend my day in the future and try to find out some information on various schools in the Columbus, GA area since we will likely be PCSing soon (Still no orders in hand, though!). I googled, perused various universities, and became frustrated because I couldn't find what I was looking for. I think if I had just found some glimmer of hope that there was a feasible way to enter a program that I would like when we arrive at Ft. Benning then my day would have turned around. That didn't happen, though and I ended up taking it out on my husband.
Stress is at a high level when one has been at home for a year with absolutely no independence. I've been useless- I'm not in school working towards a goal. I'm not working and helping our little family financially. I'm not taking care of our (nonexistent) children. What is my purpose? I'm sure I'll find out eventually, but this is just how I'm feeling right now. A fellow blogger friend recently wrote about this, too<---If you read her post, I'm "Al" in the situation. She explained this better than I can.
Anyway, Captain J came home and we started playing Wii, which was fun until he turned it off without saving our progress. Ha! I decided after dinner that I would like to make some cookies. I haven't mentioned this but our oven is a piece! A couple months ago, it just went ca-put. I have no idea what the deal is, but we've always had problems with it. When we first moved into this house, the oven took about 3 hours to heat up. Talk about frustrating! Anyway, I decided I would try to make these cookies despite our broken kitchen appliance. Big mistake. If I had known what would happen, I would have eaten every single last block of raw cookie dough . After 6 minutes, this is what I came downstairs to:
I just knew something sweet would cure my bad day and now I will never know. I was annoyed, but I hadn't completely fallen apart yet. After turning off the oven and going about my business around the house, Captain J begins to smell the monstrosity in the kitchen and starts asking all these questions about what was going on. It just wasn't the time to reprimand me about baking. Poor guy!
Later, I started talking about grad school to him. I was excitedly explaining various plans when he interrupted with "it's expensive." I just lost it. I cried and cursed and acted like a buffoon. It was ridiculous for me to go off on him like I did. He didn't see it coming and it wasn't fair. I was just spent. That's all I can say to describe it. I think my dogs have given me PTSD- every time they bark all these terrible situations involving them come flooding back (lol). Dealing with that on top of feeling utterly useless and idle, brought me to a breaking point.
I know people have it way worse than me so for that reason I don't ask for your sympathy (otherwise I'd be lapping it up!). I have a wonderful life here in Alaska with the best man that I could ever ask for. I love him and I love the life we've built here. I'm thankful for all the opportunities that have been alloted to me. Despite all this, sometimes I just can't get away from the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.
13 comments:
I totally understand where you're coming from with feeling like you're not contributing. I've done my best to get involved and volunteer in the mean time, but I'd be lying if I said my husband has been super supportive of that idea. He's said that I don't need to work -- that it is up to me -- but he feels [and he is correct] that I would be happiest if I were working. He does not see volunteering as being productive, however, which I find frustrating. If I'm going to be unemployed, I'd rather be doing *something* while I'm job searching! :) He's coming around to the idea, but it has definitely been a source of frustration!
Bless your sweet heart...those cookies are charred! Stupid oven...it took me months to get used to the one in our apartment here. it's my first time ever cooking with a gas stove. J came through like a champ though...eating my burnt up meals every day for weeks!
Hope your tomorrow is better!
PS -- Fuel!? I L-O-V-E-D them back in the day! Shimmer was pretty much my favorite song all through high school and even into college. <3
The waiting game is so frustrating. I feel like I'm waiting for my life to start again, too. Not quite the same thing you're going through, but I can still empathize (which is very different than feeling sorry for you!). I hope you have a better day tomorrow.
P.S. I just had to laugh when I saw the picture of those cookies. My oven always UNDERcooks things. Then they get crusty on the edges and gooey in the middle. Arg!
=( that sucks. I hope you feel better tommorrow. I know how your feeling. It will all work out for you tho no worries.
Oh sweetie I'm sorry!
Oye Vay! When you hurt, I hurt. Love you!
Those cookies aren't burnt. They're crispy!! That is what Captain J's grandma always said when she burnt toast or cookies.
Oh no! How awful. I hate bad days. And burnt cookies. Haha.
But seriously, do not feel like you are alone! Even if you were in school or had a job, you might be feeling exactly the same with the direction of your life. I think it's a rite of passage for people our age. I hate it. Can't stand it at all. But bonding with friends who are in the same boat definitely helps ease some of the confusion and feelings of "useless-ness."
Hope your days are getting better ^_^
Oh my gosh! Six minutes, and that's what you got? I'm sorry that I'm not there to help turn a bad line up into something to laugh about. I would take you to the dog park! I MISS YOU! Anyways, we'll see eachother once you get to Benning, I just know it! ;) I hope your days start to look up, and feel better my dear!
And I thought I had a bad week! Compared to your day my entire week has been amazing! I hope tomorrow is better for you!
Hey pretty lady, Have you thought of online schooling? I know I sound like an infomercial right now but Liberty university offers $250 per grad credit for military members and their spouses. That's what I'm planning on doing for grad school anyway.
I'm glad your feeling better, but I had to comment on this post! The other day I was making cookies and I the first batch came out terrible! They were stuck to the pan and dark brown and had no shape. Graham said, "Did you remember to add the flour? I forgot once and that's what they looked like." Palm to forehead. I've never messed up cookies before! You, me, and Nicole should start up a kitchen disasters club! lol. except she and I can't blame it on the oven ;-)
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