My One Inch Window

One inch windows. Have you heard of this notion? It's the suggestion made by Anne Lamont that writing can be done within the confines of what can be seen out of a one inch window. Imagine cutting out a one inch window from a piece of paper and carrying it with you on all the experiences you can't wait to write home about. You may want to gush and gush on every minor detail in hopes of preserving it in your own mind or enlightening those around you, but you can't. You may only choose to describe what shines through the tee-tiny space. What would you write about?

I was pondering this while I was perched on my couch with a bird's eye view of my puppy sleeping down below. I had been tip toeing around that hyper dog all day long trying to get some chores around the house accomplished. I was annoyed- No, not at him but at my situation. You see, I'm just another one of those twenty something year olds who have no idea what they want to do with themselves. Daily I wonder how my life would have been different if I had continued my education and finished up my Master's. I wonder if when we do start a family if I'll still have the desire to be a stay at home mom that I have now. Then, I think, what's next? I'll send the hypothetical kid(s) off to kindergarten and then where will I be?

I yearn for productivity. I want to be helpful financially in my marriage, but I also want to be happy (which I am!). I know working a mediocre job that I do not enjoy will only make me miserable. A couple years ago, I had this job that seemed like it should be an awesome experience. I was working in my field (psychology) and I was helping people. Who doesn't want to do that? But it turns out, helping people is much harder than it looks. Especially when the people I was supposed to help didn't want to help themselves. After much debate, I ended my employment there and never looked back. I went off to grad school to ensure that I would never have a crappy job again. It turns out, that's probably a pipe dream.

This brings me to where I am today. If not counseling, then what? I realize now is the time for school. Now is the time to be saving for our future. We are saving, but I know I should be helping now but I just don't know what I want to do. I don't mind getting a part time job that I'm less than interested in because I know it will only be temporary and I want to contribute. But as far as school goes, I don't know what I would want to study now. In addition to that, I don't know if finishing my Master's is a goal because I feel like I NEED it or if I hate that I started something and never finished.

I will never regret taking time off from school to come up to Alaska with Captain J. Never. I know this is where I'm supposed to be right now and I am content in my present. It's my fear of the unknown, of my future that really sends me into a frenzy. Oh, to be one of those individuals who are completely free, living in the moment.

As far as my one inch window of today, I look out and see green trees blowing in the wind. The window is opened slightly and the fresh Alaskan air is blowing in. Candles are neatly placed on the sill and below this there's a comfy place to read. I have a wonderful life with my silly Drifter and the best husband I could ever ask for. There's no point in dwelling on concerns for tomorrow. Life is good today.

Love,