Warning: Self Reflection

"You are just as beautiful as your thoughts and acts make you." ~L.A. Mallory

Whoa. Now, there's some room for reflection. Most of the time, I'm constantly feeling as if I don't measure up. I've been blessed beyond what I deserve and I sometimes wonder when it's all going to come caving in. I wonder when the universe is going to right itself and rain down with what I deserve. Before you start X-ing out of this blog entry for lack of cheer, I will promise some can be found a little later on down the page.

When I think about some of my thoughts and my actions, beautiful isn't a word that comes to mind. It's more like shame, regret, confusion, laziness, sloth. I wonder, what do I do with my days? If I'm really honest with myself, it's nothing worth mentioning. I rarely make it a point to make someone's day. I'm not working towards anything career-wise therefore I'm not contributing at all to our bank account. I'm not a phone talker so I haven't stayed in contact with friends and I've assumed that most of them feel the same way. We'd all much rather gather together and talk until we're blue in the face than pick up the cell for a transcontinental phone call. What if it's not that way, though? What if I'm pushing my friends away by being so far away?

I've been called a bad friend. Not directly, of course. Women rarely say things directly to me regarding that sort of thing. But I had this best friend for years. I mean, years. We were peas and carrots. :) Then one day it was as if she was just through with me. No explanation, nothing. She stopped answering my phone calls, texts, and messages. To this day, I haven't talked to her since. I've only heard from mutual friends that she had said several things about me. It has been over two years now and I'm still completely clueless as to why she quit talking to me. I have my theories, but I just can't bring myself to believe that they're true because I knew this girl- she couldn't do that. I thought I knew her anyway.

While this mystery of my life remains unresolved (along with several others), I sometimes feel the need to "fix" it. I am aware that I've already tried, though and any efforts to make contact would likely put that nervous, sick, and full of worry feeling in my stomach again and all for nothing because I don't think she'd give me the time of day. Most of the time, I'm fine with this. I can go about my day completely content, yet there are times when I remember what the bible says about forgiveness and it fills me with remorse. Then I wonder, what if there's something I need to apologize for? I just honestly have no idea what it is. As you can see, my conscience is in limbo a lot.

What I do know about life, is that it's too short to dwell on things that cannot be changed. No matter what happens with that relationship in the future, I can learn from it now. Truth is, I've often let it hinder me from making more girl friends. I'm slowly beginning to realize that friendship isn't a certain sex, male or female. Friendship is about listening, working through problems, understanding, fun, and loyalty among other things. I'm going to start making it a point to let people in. I don't want to go through life feeling as if I only truly connected with a handful of people. I want what the pastor at the church we attend talked about last week, a family of God, of friends that can really relate to each others struggles and approach them with a Christian attitude. I want friends who challenge my ideas and accept (nonjudgementally) my own.

We all search for a deeper connection to others in life. I've been focusing on doing that with my husband and with my savior, but I may have neglected many other relationships. I don't want that. I don't want negative thoughts floating through my mind anymore. I don't want to go about my day and not try to impact anyone anymore. My thoughts and my acts prove that I'm simply a work in progress, like everyone else. I'm okay with that, but at the same time, I'm ready to change.

The good news is that the universe isn't in control of my future- God is. And he doesn't treat us as our sins deserve (Psalm 103:10). I think that's pretty awesome. No matter what I've done or haven't done, God hasn't left me when others have. And today when I felt incredibly sad about nothing in particular, He was the one who was there for me and always will be. That really gives me hope, ya know?

I'm not beautiful yet, but I'm workin' on it! Ha ;)