This was our last date.
It was about 6 months ago.
I often tell Captain J that I feel like I'm losing myself a bit when all I do is stay at home with the babe. I don't really have an opportunity to go out with friends sans child. I definitely don't ever get to go out with my love and stare into his eyes and talk about what Baby K did today us, our future, and have the chance to reconnect.
I know that my children are my responsibility, but at the same time- so is my marriage and it seems as if we place that on the back burner because there's no time to focus on us. We don't have a reliable babysitter in the area therefore we do not spend time alone together. Lately, I've read countless articles on the importance of having people around to help when your children are young. We've done a poor job at building that sort of community here at Ft. Polk. I suppose we're both at fault, though. We don't want just anyone watching our entire world. Even when we do have the rare chance to go on a date, we worry most of the time. Is he screaming his little head off, wondering where we are? Is he driving the sitter crazy? The thoughts are endless and we usually end up coming home a lot sooner than expected.
I wonder if we'll be a little more relaxed when Baby A comes along. It doesn't feel like it now. It feels like the obsessive worry will just creep right back in and stay for at least another year- until A is one. Baby K is 15 months now and still I hate to leave him.
Once a week, I have a bible study group I go to...except I haven't been in almost a month because K yells and yells and yells when I drop him off at the watchcare. After about 20 minutes, the watchcare workers come get me to collect him because he's so upset and inconsolable. My heart starts racing and I feel so overwhelmed, thinking that I am raising a child who isn't well adjusted.
I've studied psychology. I know about child development. With terms and theories floating through my brain, I feel as if I'm failing him. Writing that out just now, I know I'm not yet in the moment, that's all I can think about.
It might not make sense to you, but I miss my husband. Sure, I love our evenings together after the babe has gone to bed...but I want to go out and have dinner like we used to. See a movie. Or (gasp!) both. This isn't feasible right now, but we're hoping that our upcoming move will bring with it more time for us. I will make it a priority to find someone in the area that I can trust with my child. And if not, I guess I'll just never leave the walls of that house, either.
How do you find a good sitter? We don't have the option of having family to keep him so that's out. What's your criteria? I know this is nuts, but sometimes I think that I'll only allow people that have children themselves watch him...or people who have gone to school to study child development, been around kids a lot, and want to watch him instead of being motivated by money or a feeling of- I should do this for them. See? I'm crazy. I have too many rules...and honestly I could go on.
Yesterday, Captain J said, "Maybe when A is a year old, we can take a vacation together. We need that." I nearly cried. We do. But even now as I daydream about it, I know it will never happen. That makes me a little sad.
He's here...a lot...but I still miss him. I miss us.
12 comments:
I hear ya, girl. I feel that while there are many MANY upsides to having babies this close in age, this is one of the downsides. And when there isn't family nearby, it makes it that much harder to drop everything and go out for dinner or hell, even run to the grocery store without babies in tow.
I was the same way as you when it came to leaving Sam alone with someone. Before Sarah entered our world (cue choirs of angels singing), I would feel comfortable leaving him with a lady who he is familiar with from the nursery at church. That didn't happen overnight though, trust me. Now I am much more likely to leave Sam with someone so I can get out (hence, preschool), even if it's still with Molly. Maybe when you move, you could find a good church preschool and he would have an easier time getting along without you for a few hours. Lord knows you'll need a break every so often too. Obviously I am just suggesting things that have worked for me (lol) so who knows how it will all work for you, but I am now a big preschool advocate. Plus, if he cries at drop-off, the teachers are totally used to that and know all the ways to distract him into having fun. Ok, I'll quit talking about preschool (do it! do it!). And for the record, I didn't know a SOUL at his preschool before he started going there. But those ladies are GOLD and I do think that God will direct you to the right people and place for K. Ok, seriously now I'll stop talking about preschool.
Hopefully this novel I wrote for you was semi-helpful. ;)
My munchkin is only 4 months but I've let some friends from church watch her. I have a list of about 3 or 4 couples that I'm comfortable leaving her with. They are also my friends and all have.kids older than mine, so that helps too:) Hope you figure out a solution!
Oh I know how you feel. We have family in the area and a good babysitter, but my husband and I rarely make time for our relationship and I miss him greatly. We had a falling out with my husband's side of the family so we lost them for babysitters and thus had to find someone else to step in when needed while he was deployed. I ended up using Care.com and found a number of people I thought would work, I met with each one then, if I liked them I set up a short watch time during the day, like 1-2 hours to see how everything went. I found that looking for someone who either has had kids, or works with kids or was a nurse helped make me feel more comfortable. I was also a part of Sittercity.com when I was younger and that is a good website to use to find a babysitter. You just have to listen to your gut when meeting someone new.
I have to agree with Jen, preschool is AMAZING! It gets the kids used to someone else, gives you a break and gives the child interactions with other kids. I'm a teacher, so I'm a huge fan of preschools. I think they are amazing for social adjustments and for the sanity of the parents. It doesn't have to be all day, just a couple of hours. I know some of our churches around here offer a mom's morning out. They offer free care for the child for a few hours two days a week. That is something to look into.
My son has major abandonment issues due to my husband leaving all of the time for the Army and would cry when I dropped him off. I talked to him about it each time and always told him "mommy will come back for you", "mommy always comes back". Eventually the crying stopped and now I sometimes cannot get him to leave.
You have to find what works best for your family and it is hard on the mother's nerves at first, but once you get over that hump, you will find the peace you and your husband need.
I hope this helps. Please feel free to ask me any other questions you might have. I'm here for you and know how hard it can be to leave a child, especailly when they are screaming. But if you don't start somewhere, you might not ever be able to leave them with someone else.
Keep your chin up. You will find what you need, you just might have to look and trust. :)
We were lucky to find a good sitter on SitterCity who was recommended by my neighbors. Then again, she's only watched Penny a few times. It's so hard with breastfeeding to plan a date, and with Brandon's schedule, it's hard to do anything. It's been CRAZY since the baby was born and we've had some chats about our relationship when it starts to get bad. It's a hard thing to work on with a baby in the mix.
I hear ya. Thankfully, we have parents close who love taking Ethan, but even so, we don't take advantage of it as often as even THEY would like, I don't think. Because we have them, we have never needed another sitter. Until this upcoming weekend, and even then, it's my great aunt watching him for a little. But alone time with the hubby is rare...and when we do get it, it's 2 hours or so, out to dinner, and we're back at it again. I get the "I miss my husband" part a lot.
I COMPLETELY understand how you feel - it's hard not having parents or other relatives around to help out. I'm so looking forward to our move in June when we will be in the same city as my parents. As far as babysitters go - we ask friends who have kids to watch Nora, we sort of do a trade off - we watch their kids, they watch Nora. And a young girl from our church has watched Nora twice for us. Nora really liked her because she had longer hair (Nora's newest obsession). I've found that Paul and I don't have a lot of "us" time, especially since I got pregnant again and feel sick so much lol. You never know, that vacation might just happen :)
I know how it goes with child care. I don't have any family around either. Luckily, the town I live in is small enough that most of the military families live in the same apartment complex, and so we get to know each other. I have used them on occasion. Usually though my husband and I just don't go out by ourselves. It is pretty tough on the relationship when you don't get any adult time. The CDC here does a Kid's Night Out every few months where you can drop your kids off for 5 hours on a Friday night. That is about the only chance we really take. Since my daughter has the same issue as Baby K when it comes to leaving her, I don't do it much.
I know some moms around here use Sitter City, and have had success. I have never used them so I am not sure what the process is like.
Someone very soon needs to call me to let me watch the little one while you have a date night. I expect a call one day very soon!!!!
I feel ya, girlie! Finding a balance is NOT easy! It's something David and I still struggle with! I'm more okay with leaving Fin and Maddie with someone because they've gone to school and daycare and hourly care but Owen.... he's still my baby! He's still a baby!! We took him with us a few times to get out and about! We had an amazing sitter but I didn't want Owen to be too much for her since he was so little.
Don't stress it too much, you guys will find that balance! It will come and go but you'll always get right back to it. And a vacation would be nice!
Just remember, as stressful as it it at times, they do grow up too fast and before you know it they'll be in school and you'll basically be bored out of your mind.
I swear, we're never prepared to be moms, and you never fully understand what people are talking about until you become a mom and go through it all yourself.
Ps, this is precoffee so if it makes not much sense, that's why. :)
Aw. I wish I had some good advice for you! All I can think is...you're moving soon and you'll hopefully enjoy the next assignment location better which will allow you to get out the house more often. And I am sure with the addition of Baby A, Baby K will be more open to other kids and people. Siblings help with that ^_^ I'd say, just hang in there. You've got so many blessings all around you and so many more to come!
I didn't leave Eva either until a couple months ago (around 2.5). Now she can talk and is potty trained and is HAPPY to play with her sitter. I still have only left her a few times but, it is amazing. You'll get there.... some day :)
PS- where/when are you guys going?
The best way to find a reliable sitter is to use Care.com or SitterCity. I've always gotten my jobs through Care.com and you can even ask for a background check on anyone who applies to your post. I highly recommend it.
If you need anything, let me know. :)
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