Selfishness

Sometimes I wonder if you, too, leave your kid to scream while you're eating. It's almost a dirty word in the parenting world- crying it out. If I didn't, I would never eat. I wouldn't shower, either because sometimes naps just don't happen. Maybe you're a supermom and if you are I don't want to hear about it today. Perhaps your child is an "easy baby", if those even exist. My little one is teething today and in this moment, it feels as if it's hurting me worse than it is him.

*Whew- he stopped crying in the time it took me to make a salad and type the above paragraph.

He's sleeping peacefully and my heart is beating a million miles a minute. Anxiety? Pregnancy symptom? Both? I don't know. But as I tweeted earlier, sometimes I feel like I'm too selfish to be entrusted with one (and a half) beautiful, innocent babies. If there's any one person in the world that I'll do anything for it's my Baby K. I think he feels it- I think he knows I'll always be there and that I love him more than anything. Still, there are times throughout the day that I miss sleep. I miss hopping in the car to go to the post office and not have to pack a zillion items just in case or buckle another little body into the car, then into the baby carrier, and then into the car again. Then I feel guilty for thinking how easy it used to be.

I wouldn't trade my role as a mother for anything, but having another one and so soon is really scaring me. I feel drastically unprepared physically and emotionally. How can I expand my bubble of efficiently and lovingly caring for two children instead of just one? I can't believe God has deemed me capable of such blessings in my life. I'm grateful every day.

While I don't let Baby K cry longer than ten minutes at a time, it still makes me feel terribly hopeless because in that moment there's nothing else I can do for him. He doesn't want to be held. He doesn't want to play. All he wants is to fall off into a blissful sleep and I can't say that I blame him. That's all I want today, too.